Could I have D.I.D.?

I've always read everyone's posts in this forum since I find myself very intrigued by it since I find my symptoms to be very similar to what you guys live through day by day. I admire you guys for coping with this every day. Now about me, I'm currently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder which I am now believing is wrong for many reasons. I am not entirely sure of what I think I have but I know for sure that I have at least one presence inside me that isn't quite "me". I know I'm not possessed and/or have a telepathic link to somebody since that is just proposterous. This presence can control my limbs and facial expression somehow, all while I'm conscious. I know it sounds weird, but if you've seen the incredibly stupid movie Me, Myself, and Irene, which I know is a BS representation of D.I.D., Jim Carrey's alter seems to be able to control him somewhat even though Jim Carrey's host is conscious. If I do have D.I.D., this is the case for me because this presence in my head is female and can control my facial expression and my limbs while I'm conscious. I have a problem with automatic writing and drawing due to this. I posted something about that in this forum before. I know it sounds weird, but I do have a problem with my limbs moving like somebody else is controlling them. They move and speak to me in this innate "sign language" which I have learned to understand. Every single symptom I have seen of D.I.D. applies to me, except for the actual presence of alters (which I'm entirely convinced I have at least one. I just have no evidence of it). Everything from the dyslexia to the alienation of oneself are symptoms I have in common with this disorder. I was badly abused as a child. I know that if I do have this disorder, I have at least 1 alter. This female presence in my head is very strong and can take control of me while I'm conscious which is very bizarre. I have blacked out before in which I said and did things of which I have no recollection. These situations have been few and far in between but significant enough for me to remember. When this happened around other people they thought I was sleepwalking/talking. The medication I'm taking has calmed everything down but it has turned me into a zombie. I feel like there's a living breathing world in my head, with realistic weather patterns and day/night cycles. My nightmares are horrible to say the least. They make no sense whatsoever. I keep seeing this female presence in my head walking through hallway after hallway of locked doors. Could these be signs of a subconscious reminder of repressed memories? I admit, I am a bit delusional, but during every episode I felt like I was dreaming while awake. Every single hallucination of mine has been internal. I feel like there's presences right next to me even though I don't hallucinate a actual presence next to me. I call them invisible hallucinations. These hallucinations are very macabre and violent which is very frightening at times. They all seem to have occult themes to them in one way or another. I hear many different internal voices. They each have their own way of acting, they're quite complex which convinced me I have this disorder. I feel like there's other people in my head but I just can't find a way to find out if I do. I know for sure that if I do have D.I.D. I have a female presence in my head. She seems to be some sort of mediator between my subconscious mind and I. Anyways, I actually named each one of these voices since they seem to have their own collective. They are very frightening to me for the reason that there seems to be some underlying occult schemes to them. I have had many internal hallucinations based on what these hallucinations look like and it's frightening what they look like. I know that I most likely do not have D.I.D. since it's a very rare disorder from what I hear. I actually feel like I'm delusional and just convinced that I have this disorder due to some hypochondria. There are some other things I'd like to . I would especially like to know that if an alter is present, can said alter control you while you're conscious? There are many other things I'd like to discuss, but this post has gotten very long. It took a lot of courage to post this, but I'm glad I did. I would like opinions from all of you, if that's possible. I feel like I've always had this disorder, I just have no evidence of it. In some parts of this post I think I contradicted myself a couple of times, that is normal for me to do that. Anyways, I would like the opinion of those afflicted by D.I.D. instead of a doctor's since they don't know what it's like to suffer. Anyways, my doctor would just take it as a delusion and completely discard the notion of a dissociative disorder because I'm diagnosed as delusional. I am tremendously sorry about such a long post. Thank you in advance for any replies.

A lot of the things you describe are recognisable to me. I know exactly what my alters look like, and what the world they live in (with own climate(s), day/night cycles, surroundings..) looks like. At times I black out when taken over by alters, at other times I remain conscious. Both is possible, some people with DID always black out when alters are there, some never do or only did during the abuse, and then there are a lot who're familiar with both experiences. I can't speak for you or go into your head to see what your experiences are like exactly, so I can never say into which category you really fit, but internal voices, internal hallucinations.. especially because you experience everything as internal it does come off as dissociative to me. Maybe you can request a test regarding dissociative disorders? Take care and good luck.

I award you the Longest Intro Award... kidding! Kidding! Hmm, based on what I skimmed through (sorry, I'm a really impatient person), I would say yes. My first advice, stop taking zombie pills. Second, see a psychOLOGIST, not a psychIATRIST. You need to speak to someone who will actually will talk to you, not just slap a label on you and send you off on your merry way with a prescription. Go through a listing of psychologists in your area, look for someone who specializes in Dissociative Disorders. Also, have you tried speaking to this girl of yours? Or leaving letters?

Pain Killer,

You've outlined (as has Dimensional) some experiences I have had with DID. I have to agree with Mr Bates and say "get off the zombie medication". Sounds like you're seeing the wrong doctors right now and you need to shop around for a sympathetic psychologist with whom you can thoroughly explore the possibility of having been misdiagnosed.

What meds are you on? Whatever they are, they sound too overpowering to be doing any good. We've recently agreed to some temporary meds in the form of 5mg Lexapro because some of us were suffering anxiety attacks that were threatening the well being of the Augmented one. It's not forever, and it's definitely not creating waves for us. We just need time to smooth out a little.

Under our previous doctor, we were inflicted with Mirtazapine and we thought we were all doomed ~ although at times that was appealing! The Augmented one insisted on seeking psychological counselling, who recommended a sympathetic doctor, and a sympathetic psychiatrist. The three of them work well with us now, and even the psychiatrist is using psychotherapy as her preferred therapy.

Sure hoping you can find similar sympathetic help.

Good luck!

Thank you guys for your replies, I actually expected everyone to call me delusional. I posted this to "get it off my chest" since it's a subject that's been bothering me a whole lot. Sorry about not responding earlier but the thing is I accidently dropped my DSL modem. LOL. I have always had these symptoms since I was a small child. I'm taking Abilify 12 MG before bedtime. My mother is forcing me to take it. She said take it or get out of the house. During this time period where my sister and mother said I was acting strange, I honestly don't remember a single thing. They said I was doing bizarre things and not acting myself. I remember very little of it to be honest. Yes, the stuff is overpowering and I feel empty. I actually can relate to almost every single symptom of DID that I've read about, I just don't have proof that I have alters. I'm absolutely sure I have at least one. She's female and goes by the name of this really beautiful girl I liked that I went to school with. I keep telling her to go away and leave me alone but she refuses. This so called alter is constantly conscious at the same time as me.
I found her to be very strange psychotic symptom at first, now I strongly believe she's an alter. This alter expresses complex emotions and actually cries a lot for some reason. I can talk to her and she can talk back to me and have an actual conversation. I believed her to be too complex to just be a psychotic symptom which prompted me to post this. Well, before I post a very long passage again, LOL, thanks for replying. It really means a lot to me since most people just pass me off as delusional and ignore what I have to say. Thanks to all of you for posting something helpful, it really means a lot to me when people take me seriously. I really mean that, it's NOT sarcasm!

Hiya!
I posted a reply on here, and it was a really good one too! But I somehow never actually posted it...
Anywyas welcome and I hope there is a way you can speak up about what you believe to be true rather than being forced to do somehting that is a lie.
um I am really tired, I think I will post when I am a little more coherent.
but again, welcome!

well, im sorry to hear your having such a rough time; but you reached out for help and that shows you have the will and ability to take care of yourself, a HUGE positive

anyhoo, i was recently told i have a moderate dissassociative disorder; however, im not convinced

this was based on a test my psychiatrist asked my phsychologist to give me (for what reason, im not sure)


i dont believe i have a dissassociative disorder, i also dont believe im depressed...

but i know somethings wrong

i hate being labeled, but i am known to deny events

i guess im just not quite accepting that i have this disorder

either im in conscious denial, unconscious denial [i genuinely dont accept this because of this (or some other) disorder], or the docs are just plain wrong



thats my experience anyways

Well, thank you everyone for the warm welcome. I think I might be posting here more often. Even if it turns out I'm not dissociative, I'm still going to post here since I can relate to what you guys go through every day much more than what a schizophrenic goes through. Oddly enough, I just saw my psychiatrist today and I don't think he'll ever change his mind about my label. Well, the label is not what's important to me, but rather the approach to my treatment. Labeling me as schizoaffective and shoving zombie pills down my throat seems more convenient for all the doctors I've seen. They just don't seem to care at all what I have to say. Anyways, most of these people in my head seem to not even know they exist except for a couple. I've been able to communicate with some by talking inside my head (using thoughts) but they're all just plain weird. They all have some occult schemes going on. My theory was that my delusions had materialized in my head but since I actually got the exact opposite type of responses than what I expected, I'm leaning more towards a dissociative disorder now. I'm going to make a list of these "materialized voices" and post back on that later. Now I'd like to make a list of symptoms that make me think I have a dissociative disorder.

1. The very strong female presence. Expresses complex emotions and can have a conversation with me. Seems to have free will. Does not tell me anything utterly bizarre as would a schizophrenic voice. Does not run commentary on what I do. Can control my limbs while I'm conscious.
2. The presence of other "materialized voices" in my head. I'll talk about this another time since it would lengthen this post very much.
3. I am hypnotized easily. I have never undergone "real" hypnosis but I know this for other reasons.
4.The way I create memories is definitely messed up.
5. Mood swings. I could be bipolar but I've heard DID and mood swings are related.
6. My personality changes sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I hate religion and everything about it, other times I feel like I'm Christian. My beliefs change for some odd reason, including my taste for music. This could be mood related though.
7. Derealization.
8. Severe Deja Vu.
9. Forgetfulness. Although it's never been to the point where I can't remember my name or birthdate I usually forget little things like brushing my teeth and taking my wallet with me when I go out. It could just be everyday common forgetfulness. This usually happens because of deja vu. I find it hard to remember if I, for example, if I put my wallet in my pocket five minutes ago or five weeks ago. I also usually forget things I was told five minutes before.
10. Regression. Sometimes I feel like if I'm a child and need to play with toys again. When I walk past the toy sections of most department stores, I feel like purchasing some instead of the computer games I originally arrived to look for in the electronics section. One of the "materialized voices" in my head is actually still five years old. This could be the reason why. That was the age at which I was severely abused.
11. When I write I feel like a completely different person. I feel like something "comes over me" and somebody else is writing. Usually through automatic writing is when I get this feeling. When I reread my journal I often feel like WTF, why did I write this?!
12. Delusions. I KNOW they're not a symptom of any dissociative disorder. but I felt like I was creating false memories and starting to believe them. It also felt like if I was looking through somebody else's reality. I also had this very odd feeling like if I had multiple sets of "eyes" in which I would perceive the world differently through each set of "eyes". I am also very paranoid, not that I think George Washington's ghost is talking to me through my refrigerator, but in the sense that I always feel like people are talking about me behind my back and spreading rumors about me. This could be severe social anxiety. All my other delusions revolved around these materialized voices in my head.

I would have added this to my first post but it got very long. Again I apologize for a aggravatingly long post! Next I'm going to make a character map of these "materialized voices". So be prepared for another aggravatingly long post!

Well, it sounds like DID to me, the materialized voices, the presence, being able to converse with them.. just stay true to yourself and to what you're experiencing, not to what the doctors tell you you're experiencing.