Lying to myself?

I wonder a lot if I am lying to myself, I don't want to be one of those people. since confiding in my therapist the internal dialogue has become a bit more frequent and I get intrusive thoughts that I am liar and Need to stop talking about it all. I am so confused and cannot afford tests to figure it all out. I don't want another diagnosis but just to know for sure and validation.

Greetings, justagirl1988. I'm Bob. I just want to say that you are not alone. We know the feeling of doubt.
To give an example:One of us saw your post and wanted to reply. But when she tried, a lot of us tried to stop her. A lot of us doubt that we have DID. I guess its cause we weren't officially diagnose yet. But I think its kinda stupid to think that a diagnose would change what you experience. Only you know what you are feeling. That's kinda harsh Bob. (I don't want to mess with what he said too much, so I edited little bits and pieces.)

But he has a point. Hey, I'm Sonnet. I'm helping him type this. Anyways, I think it is normal for systems to do that. Others will try to stop/hinder therapy. They don't want to be known. Or they might not want to deal with the past. Maybe you should try to communicate with them to ask what is going on? That might help.

And as I'm typing this, I'm having intrusive thoughts of "Erase it all!" and "It's not my fault if you get hurt" So we know what you feel. . It's not fun.

Edited: Ugg. I so want to delete this. I just hate the fact that they have to keep living this lie..

That's not helpful to the original poster. And no one is living a lie. I'm sorry for that.. I just hope we help you know that you are not alone.. *sigh*

Hi Bob, thank you so much to you and the others for replying. I know there is such a think as people making up DID and I just am frightened I am doing that. Part of me knows that what I experience is real but sometimes like yourself I get very intrusive thoughts and feelings from out of nowhere that I am doing it all for attention. This whole thing is so painful and frightening.

Hi,

I experience the same thing from one of my identities (Taupe is her name older Caucasian women) former supervisor told me "Your making this up in your head". Of course, we never told my former supervisor of our dx. The brain assigns or igneous strategizes to help block memories with us reality of dx. The only thing I can think that may have cause her to repeat this dialogue is that in the past I kind of denied having this or was a little confused especially when I felt I didn't have what seems the amount of trauma needed it to develop it early childhood. I had excepted the dx, then later she emerge saying that. I just allowed the front personality talk her into acceptance and she no longer repeats that. It took awhile, but she was relaxed... This was the most bothersome of Taupe's dialogue inside, she doesn't occupy the body that often but might have some influence of others. I don't quite have understanding of influence, passive influence..Mainly I'm co-conscious with her inside, kind of often especially last year, not as much during this year.

justagirl1988 wrote:I wonder a lot if I am lying to myself, I don't want to be one of those people. since confiding in my therapist the internal dialogue has become a bit more frequent and I get intrusive thoughts that I am liar and Need to stop talking about it all. I am so confused and cannot afford tests to figure it all out. I don't want another diagnosis but just to know for sure and validation.

That's not "you" talking it. It's the superego - it's the mother/father/or someone else that raised you and you picked up. You currently have harsh critic, because you're defenses don't work good enough. This contributes to the feeling of anxiety or depression or DID or whatever. Doesn't really mather. The point is, you are judging yourself too much because this part of you is being too critical. Everyone has it this part of themselves, but in some of us it is really harsh, that's the thing ...

The further issue is it may produce feelings of guilt. Kind of moral guilt, not the exact "true" guilt. But it's not that much imporant. The imporant thing is, we are also afraid to feel this moral guilt. And since we're afraid to feel this, we run away from this in total ...

And I doubt all of this can help. It's just intelectual understanding. I advice long term therapy as a solution.

Thank you! Yes I am in therapy right now with a specialist. He thinks I have DID.

OK. DID, then. I used to worry about the diagnosis myself, but I realized it's not my job to do this - my job is just to survive until the therapy produces results. I hope it will in about 2-3 years and at least lower the symtopms (but later I hope for the therapy to actualy CHANGE me, because wishing to get rid of the symtopms IS the thing we do, but after I while, we see this doesn't work - you slowly develop a wish to change and take authentic responsibility).

You probably worry about the diagnosis because it's a mainstream thing to do - sooner or later after you feel bad, you google a bit, and find out there are diagnosis and you want to find which one suits you. Why do we do this? We have to be honest about this. It's because we want a label. To say "I have DID". Or "I have depression", or "I have OCD", etc. OK, I'm lying. It's is because we don't trust anyone else to give us proper diagnosis. It is because we don't trust people. It's because we lack basic trust. I'm trying to be as honest as I can in therapy (though I have too much shame to admit everything, yet) - last time I admited I said I have a feeling therapist will say "You can't be helped, that's why we have to terminate therapy", or similar I have a feeling therapy will just end, like they will just stop doing the therapy there ... that's how afraid I am of abandoment. It hurts. And it is because of this fear and basic lack of trust in people. That's why we think we are also only possible to do the diagnosis. Plus, mainstream helps with it. You have to search for a long term therapies to be pointed out as a solution quite a long time if you google only "depression" and stuff like that ...

This might have been quite confusing. However, I do recommend long term therapy as a solution ...

I totally relate! I have terminated therapy so many times. Trying so hard to stick with the new one. He is great, I just don't trust anyone. I must trust him somewhat though because I have confided about my "head mates" hate the terms for alters, insiders etc. I hate that there is lingo. Yes I have googled after I was told about DID and it being a possibility. It is strange though, since working with my new therapist I seem to be switching a little more, being more conscious of it and having more internal dialogue.

I guess it's the trust that is what is one of the subtle ways for the progress to be shown, so it every 0.01% of progress is a motivation forwards. I even dare to be honest and sometimes say "It's a really weird feeling how I sense that I don't trust you enough to open up about some things".

At least you talk in your head. because ... I say almost everything out loud, and it must be really akward for the therapist. Today I told her "I forgot to tell you I choosed you as I therapist because u reminded me of my ex - because of your age (she's way older) and because I see my ex as someone with stable emotions" - transference putted into the words. )

I can relate to this. I often think that I'm just making this up to make myself feel better or something which causes distress for my alters when I go into denial.

Like how it is really annoying when she keeps us from writing just because she doesn't believe we exist sometimes. It's really aggravating too and it causes a huge disconnect in the system.