Trying to figure out myselves

First of all, I know I've written here before but I think it was some other part of me so I may be repeating myself. Anyway, so now this current part has realized that I/we may have dissociative disorder. I feel I might be a teenager whereas the others are younger or older. But now I don't quite understand what I'm supposed to do- I'm going to start another shot of therapy for my issues, and apparently the first thing to do is stabilization or something like that (before getting to know the parts and integration etc). Now I believe my current living situation is hindering me from reaching that stability, as I constantly feel I'm under a threat- I'm still in contact with my (sexual and mental) abusers, because they are my parents and thanks to my dissociation parts of me still struggle with the idea that they are the bad guys and that I should stop contact. I also don't have any other income except from them because I'm very depressed and have physical ailments as well. Whenever they contact me I get anxious for days but this I only realized recently. So should I just stop seeing them altogether? I've now tried not to have contact for 3 months but they still text me, also I feel like I need to pretend that everything is ok because my sister, who also has been abused, believes everything's ok and if she found out the truth she might kill herself.

So I think I'm kind of stuck in my own la-la land with this, I do remember obsessing with the same thing on this forum before but apparently I've been unable to do anything about it. Can anyone relate or explain what the hell is happening? Is it so that one part knows I should for example stop contact with my family and other parts don't want to? And since I still am unaware of my parts they control my life without me knowing how? But how do I get out when my current situation is keeping the matters the way they are- plus I have constant flashbacks of my past and also experience psychotic symptoms, so everything feels pretty weird. Actually lately I've been feeling mostly like I'm constantly in a dream, and that no one exists except me. Also when my new therapist for example told me to do something, I seemed to "forgot" it for a few weeks and then "remembered" it again, but now when I think about it it was probably some part of me that resurfaced after awhile.

Another (unrelated) point, I haven't felt I have much in common with for example people posting on this forum, but now I've started to think it might be because I/we am in a way in a constant paralytic fear type of state where everything's just absolutely horrible all the time, so what I basically do is sleep or watch tv all day, which I guess is a form of numbing myself. And listen to some people talking in my head, but it's like "well, I just have people talking in my head, so what". So it's like I don't have mental energy to deal with my actual problems. Also one thing, many people have over the years told me that I'm an interesting and unique person etc, but I never understand why because I feel that I don't feel anything, think about anything or do anything interesting, I just float with someone controlling me from the inside (makes me seek therapy for example) and then I listen to these meaningless ramblings in my head but they don't really belong to my brain so if what they say seem funny or interesting to other people then that's got nothing to do with me.

That's such a complicated situation. I don't think there's any easy answers. And it's OK that you aren't "doing anything about it." I think in practice you are doing something important. By thinking about it at all. Breaking off contact might be difficult to manage. Since they are still financially supporting you. Maybe looking for alternatives there. Might be a way to start to resolve that issue. Since if you can successfully claim disability / find part time work / find work from home / whatever is comfortable and manageable for you. Then you have more control over the amount and type of contact. If any at all.

You aren't responsible for your sister. She knows the truth and is protecting herself with denial at the moment. That's an OK choice for her. You don't need to do anything to change that. And I don't think making choices that are good for you. Will affect her. If she needs to, she can just retell the story slightly differently. To explain why you aren't in touch with family or whatever. Things don't seem OK from what you've written though. And it's very possible that kind of pretending might be necessary to keep yourselves safe. But it is up to you.

And. It's OK to "repeat" yourselves here. No one's keeping notes. And I'm a singleton but I still find myself going round and round topics. And that "forgetting and remembering" you described is also familiar. No one's going to judge anything like that. So please don't feel you need to worry about it.

Thanks for the answer. Your post made me think the other thing that probably will be solved when I start the therapy, if I have DID or just something similar. And then I noticed I felt slightly disappointed of the idea of not having it- probably because I've been thinking that if I had it then that would be the answer to my problems. But actually that's not answer to my problems but recovering from whatever I have. My biggest problem at the moment is not having control over my behavior- for example, there are people that make me feel bad but also kind of good, mostly because I'm used to seeing them I guess, but that's also one of the things that's not at all unheard of among "singletons" as well. I guess I think that if I have DID "Sybil style" (and not just some bland boring version of it then I would find some other sides from myself besides these depressed, anxious, flashbacky, panicky, self- shaming etc parts..I hear voices that seem to come from people in my head, but I've noticed that I can sometimes trace the original feeling or thought behind it and the feeling somehow transforms into the voice. It would be nice to some day only have those feelings and thoughts from "one source" without them getting separated. So I guess sometimes I want to have the "actual" DID because otherwise my life's going to be this boring, bland, grey piece of that it is right now but maybe that's not the case.

Also the thing with my family, I've just become so enmeshed with them that it's like their feelings and problems are my feelings and problems and it's difficult to think of them as separate individuals from myself, which I guess is typical for this type of sick family system where everyone's life mission is basically just to hide the secrets and keep up the appearances. But there must be a way to get away from that even if they've made you completely dependent on them (also psychologically I've noticed, for many years I actually thought that no other people aside them would want to spend any time with me because I'm so horrible and weird, so I HAVE to keep contact).