Hostal pain **trigger fer sure warning**

The other night I decided to, for the first time in my 46 years of life, to revisit the initial abused pain I endured at age 8. I convulsed and died. Even after 40 years the pain is the same mental death hell fire. The body whelps I suffered glared all over me as I bounced off of walls screaming "no daddy!". I'll kill to not feel it again. My alts quickly put out the fire, they are my safety cushion. They protect me from them memories every day. To lose them would mean to die. I will die.

I'll not go there again. I will never be one. There is no way.

This is why I am this way today, and that was just the beginning. I got a split for every painful moment to date. I have had a lot of pain.

Aw, I am sorry.

I don't know what I could write to make it better. I got hurt too, and the years are not that different, but that doesn't make it better.

Even as awful as it was, part of you knows what happened, and perhaps part of you wants to know, but knowing can be hard, really hard, and small steps can be too big.

I am sorry.

I'm also sorry you went through all that. No one should go through that, specially no children.

There are some pains, I think, specially those that arise when we are children, that are so, so difficult to heal. I'm glad your alts were there, are there.

I'm sorry you have had a lot of pain. I wish you encounter great people, nurturing people, I wish we all do. People who care for one another, who protect, who in spite of feeling different, respect the differences, and is careful with one another. I hope I not only encounter them, but I also become one of them; nurturing, caring, protective, respectful. I hope you get to heal those wounds, and I hope the pain, is less and less over time, as the wounds heal.

Sea