Newbie needin validating thoughts long story

A somewhat concise version:

Hi. I'm a 46 male and on a mission of self discovery. 3 yrs ago I was dx'd bipolar1 psychotic ultra-rapid switching and recent ADHD.

I lived the classic bipolar life...multi relationships, drifter, substance abuse, loner, suicidal attempts, looking to crash and burn...guess what...still alive. On all kinds of meds to feel normal.

As a kid I was emotionally, physically, mentally abused. As a teenager I know I made some personalities to cope with my weirdness in this world. I shut them down and decided that it was all my imagination of role playing. Life happened.

I ran into someone talking about DID on another forum, so I actually looked up the illness. I looked inward because I been aware of things, like.....I can't build a daily timeline. Always thought it was absentmindedness due to my hard life. My days are segmented. Memories are missing or so vague, then to pop up later out of no where. No real blanked out time spaces.

Being a weird kid, I studied self helps and psychology, even 101 in college. I know hypnosis, pendulum movements, automatic hand writing for communication with the psyche. I'm fluent in auto handwriting. Through the years, the ego that was "Bobbie" was a great role playing tool because "she" was sexy. The women folks loved her.

Through auto hand writing I finally accepted I have alt personalities. I just figured that I hear voices in my head...can never make a damn decision with all the opinions. I can stare at the wall for hours.

When I was younger I was suicidal with self hate, so the personalities didn't care what they did-I was afraid of being embarrassed so I suppressed them leading to an identity crisis. Today, I know who I am after a lifetime of He Man-ing it as a rough carpenter. I'm generally a gentleman. I figured I have a renegade male alt that kept me socially accepted for 15 years.

The bipolar part of me never made it easy to trust myself because I have a guaranteed 2 opinions about everything. As an ultra-rapid cycler, I switch up and down every 3 days, enough to have 2-3 different opinions in a week for bipolar.

The other night, using automatic hand writing, I was able to name every single main personality that I've met 25 years ago with the same mental picture of them when I first met them then. I thought they were just characters. We're at 10 mains guaranteed w/ more alts. I switch alts in a second, sometimes every moment it seems. I then and there 2 night ago accepted to acknowledge them as a part of me. Boy did they have a lot to say.

Susie chatted because I let her with an online friend without any help from me that was having a problem with her hubby who was splitted. She chatted like a pro. I learned I'm more fragmented then I ever thought and they were silently jumping in to help for the longest. I've got one for most every situation of dealing and coping with life and people situations. I can feel them take over, like putting on a glove. The times when crazy emotions are rampant, change happens like a door slamming. I go from extreme distressed to normal and confused trying to figure what the hell just happened and how long ago did this start. "Reality warps" I call em.

Thing is, we are of one mind. I can see and think but feel my attitudes and movements and things are not me, even though the thoughts are. We do have inner cranial conversations. I'm really smart, no bragging. I run my own business as an owner/operator remodeling start to finish by myself. Built my own website. I'm my own mechanic and self taught in all I know. Musician for 25 years in band and guitar. If it weren't for being mentally ill, I wouldn't be who I am today. I needed to stay in charge of the technical thinking aspects of my life, so I'm always "live" in thinking.

Thoughts are pertinent to the individual ego, where the thoughts maybe meaningful to one ego is forgotten to others only to be brought back by that same ego- pop memories.

This is what I'm wondering. I don't experience long blackouts, rare. Only in times of great emotional upheaval I depersonalize and watch myself walk, talk, do. Since were are all in tune, I know myself well, we have a common cause of betterment of this host succeeding. So for most part, I'm conscience through my moments. Sure later the memories are vague and disjointed, but it's all for the greater good of me so I'm not concerned.

I do have a pdoc. I'm debating to tell em much about it, maybe a word or two about depersonalization without any detail. I like it the way it is. I just don't know if this is true DID or some lesser unrecognized version of it...like it matters, but I got to know. I haven't been diagnosed yet, nor do I want to be?

It was just a personal thing for the longest because I was a private vault forever. I admitted that I was this way completely for the first time ever the other night. My alts are ecstatic. Should I be concerned? They run this body better than I ever have. After all, they evidently had the practice. I trust them to not embarrass me finally because we got an image to uphold for the public.

Question is, does this sound like this DID thing or should I be looking elsewhere- or it's a fig of a weakened mind. I'm me right now because this is my story. I can be write/talking and while during switch. Switching can be like bam bam bam. Used to switching for sure.

I think I know the answer that I want to believe, I just need peer validation. The DSM-5 says "long moments of total blackouts..." I move to quick.

Thanks for helping if you got to here ---->*

Sorry so long. Last you'll hear of me if I'm in the wrong spot.

Anyone else get this? I just need one "yeah".

Yeah, You are in the right place! Welcome to the forum

And yes, I can relate! No kidding about that.

What you descried could be DID, or DID NOS. An expert in DDs can see if it is and to what degree. But so far nothing you describe is out of what can be normal (common) to DID. Memory black outs can be short, they need not be days or months at a time especially if switching is rapid. It also sounds like you have co-consciousness going on, which is good.

I do not believe your mind is weakened. You have a lot of introspectiveness, and yes, I agree you are smart. I think your mission in self discovery is a good one.


And to end with good news. If this is DID, or a DDs, even internal dialogue... all of it is treatable by an expert. Some may have bumps in the road, but people with trauma related disorders do really well with talk therapy. You have a talent at communication, so, that will be a valued asset between you and your T.

Do you currently have a T (therapist/psych/ect)?

Welcome! Your story sounds very familiar and something most of us can relate to. I think it is great that you already know yourself so well and in many ways already have co-consciousness with your parts.

Your question about the DSM 5 diagnostic intrigued me. I have never read that long periods of blackouts are necessary so I went back and checked and that is not there. There is the criteria of amnesia between parts, but no length is needed. I like this site, Trauma and Dissociation Project http://www.dissociative-identity-disord ... DSM-5.html, because it discusses the criteria.

In other topics on here we have discussed the idea of having amnesia for amnesia. I have part(s) that have a job of covering up amnesia. They create a story to fill in the holes, so that if I, the host, or one of the other primary parts is out front it feels like my past is continual...just foggy. It has only been during the last year in therapy that I have begun experiencing these blackout periods. Most are less than a day and even as short as a few minutes in a conversation.

Anyway, I just wanted to touch on the question of amnesia for you. It was the same question and reason I gave for why I didn't have DID.

Thank you for your replies, I'm feeling much better already. I've accepted it finally, but still in fear of me fooling myself. I'm insecure and don't trust my own thinking. My bipolar taught me that.

Whenever I read the DSM I feel like I don't fit exactly which leaves me seeing that I'm out on the fringes. I know self analysis isn't a good thing, but when you're stating the obvious, can that be called self analyzing? lol I took the definition to meaning blacking out for hours which to me seems long- even though it has happened before.

My amnesia is missing time, or fuzzy memory time. My days is segmented at best (never thought about it before, always figured I had a crappy memory, so does everyone else). I often draw a blank. Never thought anything about it.

This may sound crazy, but we've all been together for 30 years, and them hanging around doesn't bother me a bit. I will be feeding it to my new pdoc piecemeal. Were still testing the waters.

Thanks again.

HI MeWeUsThem ....No, reading this you have a good idea of who your are. You have your labels and are able to write a summary it is very good the explanation. I would suggest you learn the labels you have to you can work with those helping you.

buter8137 wrote:HI MeWeUsThem ....No, reading this you have a good idea of who your are. You have your labels and are able to write a summary it is very good the explanation. I would suggest you learn the labels you have to you can work with those helping you.

M not sure what you mean by "labels", names of egos? The most main ones have gender, age, background.

Others yet to be explored. They say I got over a hundred. Don't know. I'm a walking multitude.

Want t meet them all and have roll call one day.