Trapped! The never ending dreams. !Trigger!

Hi Thomas,

watcheroflights wrote:Why did she let him abuse us like that. Why did she stand by let him do those things to us. Why did she not stop it.

Maybe she knew nothing best. Maybe she was in shock, and completely frozen. Maybe she was scared. Maybe she wasn't brave enough. Maybe she wasn't there. Maybe she was absent, not present, dissociative. I really have no idea, and I'm so sorry she wasn't there, I'm sorry no else was there, either. I'm sorry he did that to you all.

I wish none of that would have happened. I'm sorry the the wounds don't seem to heal.

You are no monster at all. Have you read what Elissa and Tommy write? What Clair's written? How much love Clair and Thomas Lee and Elissa and Tommy feel for you? No, you're not a monster, you're in a lot of pain, and I really wish for it to heal, for some words to soothe your pain, for some energy to bring peace and calmness to you.

Thomas, and you all, have a look at this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNHi7Wa7vpc

I hope this place, people important around you, your SO, us here who read you, each part of you, helps to take your pain and you fear away, and you won't have it no more.

We are here, we read you.

Sea

Seangel
It was wrong in putting you in such position to be asked to explain others behaviors. Please except our apologies. For reasons not understood we/me felt we could open up to you and you would understand.
Thanks for the video link but we do hope it does not take an exorcism to gain control once again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04EShclPAa0
It is true we are surely possessed by something just not sure they are evil more like angels sent.
We/I have calmed over the last couple of days but still in some level of crises.
Still trying to under why our abuser killed himself on that late summer afternoon. We thought he loved himself to much to do such a thing. Seangel it is harder to understand why his death shattered our system so terribly and utterly. A system that had been under control and somewhat working for so long. In his last years we showed great compassion to him and tried real hard to let his past deeds not impinge on present time out of the wishes of my mother on her death bed. I/we tried hard to care about his welfare. For me I can't help but think this was his last act of abuse to inflect hurt on others. Once again sorry for putting you on the spot but thank you very much for your words of support and letting us know we are not alone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmDQFWNjHpA
The Narcissist,buter8137, MultipleMinds & Nondescript thank you also for your very kind words and support it has meant a lot to us.
Us
watcheroflights

watcheroflights wrote:It was wrong in putting you in such position to be asked to explain others behaviors. Please except our apologies. ... Once again sorry for putting you on the spot but thank you very much for your words of support and letting us know we are not alone.

Hi Thomas, and you all, I didn't feel on the spot at all. Those are valid questions, that I took as when two friends are chatting and wonder about things... that maybe have no answers.

watcheroflights wrote:For reasons not understood we/me felt we could open up to you and you would understand.

I'm glad you felt that way, I wanted to hold you in that moment. I wanted you to know that you were read. I do have the same questions, about so many things, I just don't understand the reasons, and have no answers, and many times I've asked them out loud.

watcheroflights wrote:Thanks for the video link but we do hope it does not take an exorcism to gain control once again.

hahaha

watcheroflights wrote:It is true we are surely possessed by something just not sure they are evil more like angels sent.

Maybe a little bit of both.

watcheroflights wrote:We/I have calmed over the last couple of days but still in some level of crises.

Get you. I've been like that in my tough moments too. I feel calmed and recovered, and then I just have bad days. Good thing, those too are temporal.

watcheroflights wrote:Still trying to under why our abuser killed himself on that late summer afternoon. We thought he loved himself to much to do such a thing. Seangel it is harder to understand why his death shattered our system so terribly and utterly. A system that had been under control and somewhat working for so long. In his last years we showed great compassion to him and tried real hard to let his past deeds not impinge on present time [*] out of the wishes of my mother on her death bed. I/we tried hard to care about his welfare. For me I can't help but think this was his last act of abuse to inflect hurt on others.

[*]Italics not in original

We don't know how much impact we can have onto others. I listen carefully to those urges to write to someone. This message has some answers to me. I don't know why his death had such an impact on you guys, I know you're not asking, just wanted to share the comment. These words: "In his last years we showed great compassion to him and tried real hard to let his past deeds not impinge on present time..." are incomprehensible for me. They are amazing, the feeling, the actions leave me speechless. I understand them, but it is incomprehensible for me some how. I believe right there lies a hint of an answer for some of the many questions I have no answer for.

I..., I obviously know nothing about his reasons, but some things that come to mind is that he, himself was in great pain about his actions of the past, and might have been too much for him. Maybe the guilt and/or shame was overwhelming, maybe he didn't forgive himself. Again, your not asking, but wanted to share my thoughts with you.

I'm truly glad to read you, to read you're feeling somehow better, to read you felt you could open up.

Sea

***Trigger Warning*

watcheroflights wrote: ...why his death shattered our system so terribly and utterly...

A sudden and violent death of some you care about (even if they were an abuser) will cause even a callus person great heart-ache and a myriad of very strong complex emotions. Shock, Anger, Sadness, Guilt,..., ...,Relief (which triggers more Guilt/Shame because we are taught that feeling Relief(Happy he is gone)/ is wrong.)
But it is not wrong!
The idea that if someone dies we must feel sad, and no other feelings are acceptable is wrong.
We are entitled to feel own our unique mixture of feelings, and to grieve in our own way.

Each one of you will need to Grieve in his or her own way. Perhaps that is what is going on, those who have not be able to let out their full spectrum of feelings that they have stored are now rushing forward to unload.
Thomas, Maybe you could try letting each take a turn to "let it all out" and express what they feel, letting each know that no feeling is wrong. Some may even want to laugh, let them if they want to.

watcheroflights wrote: Still trying to understand why our abuser killed himself on that late summer afternoon... ...For me I can't help but think this was his last act of abuse to inflect hurt on others.

Seangel wrote: ... he, himself was in great pain about his actions of the past, and might have been too much for him...

I think its a little bit of both of those plus he was Angry at the world but actually mostly angry at himself.

...We thought he loved himself too much to do such a thing...

Actually that's a cover. (I am speaking as someone who has NPD, and my bet he had something similar...)
Deep down, often even unknown to us, we hate ourselves. Our hate turns outwards and we abuse others to make them pay for our inner pain.
Fortunately I was only verbally abusive at times , and eventually learned to stop that and love myself for who I was faults and all.
Sounds like he stopped directing his hate outward and in the end directed it at himself. A noble sacrifice in a way, but also very selfish and the same time.

HE chose his own actions. What he did earlier and what he did at the end, none of that is your fault, nothing you did pushed him to do what he did!
Feeling guilty is normal, but you actually have no reason you need to feel guilty.
Let the feeling of shame go, you have nothing to be ashamed of!!

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*End Trigger Warning***

I agree with the Narcissist on many levels.

Sea