The worst is not that bad

Today, again I checked his FB page. I saw him still with his boyfriend. The worst that could happen, him still being with his boyfriend, is not that bad. I'm sad, dunno exactly why, I cry. But I'm also happy, for him, for his happiness, for his events, his projects, for him loving his boyfriend and being loved in return.

A part of me wants to write to him, and tell him, that at least some part of me is not mad any more. That I'm happy for all he's achieved, that I wish him happiness, because he deserves it. He deserves being loved, and loving too. I wish I would've been the one to be with him, with them; but if I'm not, I'm glad he's with someone he loves.

I guess, I find within myself a part that still feels deep love for him, and from that love, I wish him all the best in the world, all the happiness, all the love, all the success.

I truly you, mio amore Gatsby, to you and to the true Evo, to Ma cheri Sahara, my dear Avatar, my sweet Madagascar, and all your parts, I wish you the best. All of me loved you deeply. I guess some of that deep love will forever be with me.

Sea

I found that very touching. With 15 minutes to remain hear, nothing I could write could honor it.

Beautiful sentiment from a kind soul, Seangel. I am glad you feel this and shared it with us.

Seangel,

Thanks for sharing your healing journey. I'm amazed that you are so kind and don't harbor bitter feelings. You are getting through this a better person I'm sure. Xoxo

Thank you all for you answers, for reading me.

Thank you Ellen of nine, for those 15 minutes. That made me smile. Your time and your words honored it.

Thank you Nondescript for your kind words. They strengthened me and comforted me yesterday as soon as I read them.

Thank you JournalGirl. Yes, I was thinking yesterday, because I wrote this before going to a lecture about Trauma and Language, I was thinking that the relationship we had touched me deeply in so many ways. Awoke different feelings, made me face some demons, showed me knew realities. Undoubtedly, it changed me a lot. It made me grow.

I was wondering yesterday why was I crying if I felt happy for him, for them. I guess it's a bitter sweet feeling, or two parts of me feeling both things at the same time.

As soon, as I saw the first photos, the upper part of my shoulders, including the part below the nape, felt burning. I remembered the sensation I felt the first time I saw them (him and his boyfriend) together. I guess it's anxiety or pain... not sure. But after a while, this sensation that was unbearable for months, was not that bad. It was mixed with a warm happy sensation of seeing him happy, and loved. Even the photographs of them kissing were not disturbing.

That happy sensation was weird as well, I guess that's when I thought that part of the love I felt for them will always remain in me. I want him to be happy, and loved, and to experience the feeling of love within himself. So of course a part of me was happy.

I'm glad though, I didn't surrender to my impulses. I'm quite impulsive specially in these sort of things. I have this motto: "If I feel something nice about someone, let them know". I think, what wrong can come out of it? However, a wise part of me remained obsessive: "don't do it". Even if no part of me felt a good reason why not to, I played along.

I'm happy I didn't write. I do know that I don't want to start any contact with him whatsoever. His actions hurt me deeply. He didn't care for me, or my wellbeing at that moment, and I won't put myself in a situation where he can hurt me again. So, in this case telling him how I was feeling, even though it's good, would have open pathways, I don't want to walk. I will let the universe tell him, tell them, and filled them with my energy and my loving vibes.

I'm glad also where I stand today, with my projects, with some other friends, with family, with this forum, I'm glad I found it, and the people in here. I recognized I was in the healing process when I felt attracted to other people, I knew I would be able to love again and to have erotic feelings for others again. And it was beautiful.

I wondered if "falling" into watching his FB page was step back. I dunno, maybe it was. However, I also see it as the changes I see in myself. Yes, I blocked all of his notifications from FB, even before we got separated ways, because his posts were hurting me. I didn't "unfriend" him from FB, because I don't like doing it to anyone, specially not to someone I've loved.

His name appeared at an event I was checking, and I saw his profile picture with the boyfriend. Yes, it was a sad road for a while. And maybe I could have avoided it. But I saw the changes in myself. I'm less fearful of running into them in the streets. It's a possibility. As a matter of fact, he's taken his boyfriend to places I've took him, which are far away from his home and close to mine. So, by watching the pictures, and feeling not so bad, the possibility of running into them becomes less scary. Because I don't fear that much being hurt when seeing them. I've already saw them.

I've played in my head many times what would I do if I run into them. Many things has crossed my mind, running away, just signing hi. One constant has been not to say a word. I've wondered why run if it's my right also to stay. But I've thought it's also my right to leave if I'm not comfortable, if I'm not ready. I really don't know what I'll do if that happens, but I know some things. Not physical contact, not being rude nor aggressive, hopefully not being angry; I've worked daily on being at peace with how things just are. It's my process.

Thanks again you guys, for reading me, for writing, for your words, and good vibes that I feel, and contribute in so many ways to my healing. 'Coz this has been the perfect place to express myself, to put myself out there, just 'coz it's made of people who understand, validate and just witness my experiences. Thank you all.

Sea

I'm sorry you were hurt by him. It sounds like you have come so far in how you are doing now. Like you are grieving the loss of the love you once had and like you are finally coming to find the place he has had in your life journey. I am glad that you are sounding more at peace and like you feel confident you could cope ok if you accidentally bumped into them. It is good you are working daily at finding your peace. I hope you continue to find rest and wellness in all the wonderful things in life, even though they might be found in a different direction/people than what you might have once thought they would be found.

Thank you Salted Lipstick for your words, they are like a balsam, you know?, for the spirit.

Yes, I take your words to my heart, and I will find those wonderful things in life in different directions and with different people, and I'll be happy too.

Thank you belle.

Sea

Sometimes it's hard to find the strength to accept both that we hurt, and that we still care about--the person we still care about.

You seem to be able to care about someone in a selfless way. That is what I found touching.

Thank you.