Hi everyone,
I am new here so should say Hi first.
Anyway, I have been reading through a lot of posts here after I received by diagnosis of alleged DID which I still harbour doubts that I have as I don't seem to fit into the profile.
Some basic background, I am male 35 and am what would be considered a loner and started pyscho therapy a few months ago to deal with, what I assumed was depression and schizoid personality, I meet all the critera for schizoid.
However, during therapy some issues came up as well as quite odd behaviour such as:
micro amnesia, I would forget questions constantly
shaking limbs etc when discussing traumatic material
One instance which I can barely remember where I stopped talking completely, couldnt make eye contact and “lost time”
I have realised I have different “parts” that come out and seem to have there own memories and ways of talking, acting etc. For e.g. my angry part is a bit of a jerk and seems to have an IQ higher then what I normally have, along with a better vocabulary.
The thing is though what I don't have is:
Different names for these “parts” they are all me, obviously
I don't buy stuff I can't remember
I don't end up in places I don't remember going to, in fact I am quite a hermit I pretty much only go to work and home and have no real friends
No one has ever commented on my “parts”
No one has ever come up and called me by a different name etc
What I do have is:
micro amnesia
identity confusion
not recognising myself in the mirror
feeling unreal
different parts of me that take control when stressed
I dont remember a lot of childhood.
Zoning out / day dreaming
I don't feel like different people at all, I dont feel like anything really I am numb to everything, but occasionly emotional “parts” come out, like in one instance I had to write down my thoughts on why I didnt want to get close to anyone, something that came out in kids writing was that my brother did something to me when I was 3 and held me over a bridge so I wouldnt tell.
I do remember being scared of that bridge when I was 5 or so and crying every time I walked over it, but cant remember, even at 5 of what took place, whatever “part” wrote that in the diary though seemed to remember then I got depressed and put a bag over my head a few weeks ago.
Most of the time i'm ok though, as long as I stay away from people and just work and go home, these “parts” seem under control.
But ive realised i'm missing a lot, I cant remember for example years of my life, and have even blocked out people completely.
I am told I am highly traumatised, I have suffered some trauma from ages 3ish to about 20, my trauma history is:
Age 3ish being used by my older bro who is 5 years older (that is what one part said, I cant even remember my brother until I was about 8.
Constant physical abuse from my older bro from ages..2? To about 14. was pretty bad had bruises all over my body so many times that my teachers through it was my dad, if I said it was my dad they would have done something but because it was my bro and he was a kid, nothing happened.
Sexual abuse by my sister who is 7 years older when I was 6
lack of parental anything, I was pretty much allowed to be my brothers punching bag, in addition my mom caught my sister using me for sex and my brother as well and did nothing.
Then in high school a lot of bullying, I stopped going to school when I was 13 and locked myself in my bedroom and I cant really remember what I did for 7 years, just a lot of computer games I guess.
Then I started working and have been ever since, I go to work come home, go to work, come home. I have a few friends online but thats about it. Its like life has passed me by, I feel so weird, almost like I never really grew up, but can function enough to hold down a job and I try to appear as sane as possible but its so draining.
My questions are:
1) Is anyone else like me? Who doesnt have different names etc for there “parts” and is more
detached from life. I don't get emotional much from what I can tell.
2) If there is and there is DID is it curable? Is it possible to live a “normal” life?
3) Do drugs work? My doc is trying to pump me with anti depressants, I am not depressed at all just numb.
4) Is it worth the time and expense to get better? Considering I have survived so long withouth “help” I seem to be functioning ok, but obviosuly have a very boring life of work and home .