Anyone have a more subtle DID?

Hi everyone,

I am new here so should say Hi first.

Anyway, I have been reading through a lot of posts here after I received by diagnosis of alleged DID which I still harbour doubts that I have as I don't seem to fit into the profile.

Some basic background, I am male 35 and am what would be considered a loner and started pyscho therapy a few months ago to deal with, what I assumed was depression and schizoid personality, I meet all the critera for schizoid.

However, during therapy some issues came up as well as quite odd behaviour such as:

micro amnesia, I would forget questions constantly
shaking limbs etc when discussing traumatic material
One instance which I can barely remember where I stopped talking completely, couldnt make eye contact and “lost time”

I have realised I have different “parts” that come out and seem to have there own memories and ways of talking, acting etc. For e.g. my angry part is a bit of a jerk and seems to have an IQ higher then what I normally have, along with a better vocabulary.

The thing is though what I don't have is:

Different names for these “parts” they are all me, obviously
I don't buy stuff I can't remember
I don't end up in places I don't remember going to, in fact I am quite a hermit I pretty much only go to work and home and have no real friends
No one has ever commented on my “parts”
No one has ever come up and called me by a different name etc

What I do have is:

micro amnesia
identity confusion
not recognising myself in the mirror
feeling unreal
different parts of me that take control when stressed
I dont remember a lot of childhood.
Zoning out / day dreaming


I don't feel like different people at all, I dont feel like anything really I am numb to everything, but occasionly emotional “parts” come out, like in one instance I had to write down my thoughts on why I didnt want to get close to anyone, something that came out in kids writing was that my brother did something to me when I was 3 and held me over a bridge so I wouldnt tell.

I do remember being scared of that bridge when I was 5 or so and crying every time I walked over it, but cant remember, even at 5 of what took place, whatever “part” wrote that in the diary though seemed to remember then I got depressed and put a bag over my head a few weeks ago.

Most of the time i'm ok though, as long as I stay away from people and just work and go home, these “parts” seem under control.

But ive realised i'm missing a lot, I cant remember for example years of my life, and have even blocked out people completely.

I am told I am highly traumatised, I have suffered some trauma from ages 3ish to about 20, my trauma history is:

Age 3ish being used by my older bro who is 5 years older (that is what one part said, I cant even remember my brother until I was about 8.

Constant physical abuse from my older bro from ages..2? To about 14. was pretty bad had bruises all over my body so many times that my teachers through it was my dad, if I said it was my dad they would have done something but because it was my bro and he was a kid, nothing happened.
Sexual abuse by my sister who is 7 years older when I was 6

lack of parental anything, I was pretty much allowed to be my brothers punching bag, in addition my mom caught my sister using me for sex and my brother as well and did nothing.

Then in high school a lot of bullying, I stopped going to school when I was 13 and locked myself in my bedroom and I cant really remember what I did for 7 years, just a lot of computer games I guess.

Then I started working and have been ever since, I go to work come home, go to work, come home. I have a few friends online but thats about it. Its like life has passed me by, I feel so weird, almost like I never really grew up, but can function enough to hold down a job and I try to appear as sane as possible but its so draining.

My questions are:

1) Is anyone else like me? Who doesnt have different names etc for there “parts” and is more
detached from life. I don't get emotional much from what I can tell.

2) If there is and there is DID is it curable? Is it possible to live a “normal” life?

3) Do drugs work? My doc is trying to pump me with anti depressants, I am not depressed at all just numb.

4) Is it worth the time and expense to get better? Considering I have survived so long withouth “help” I seem to be functioning ok, but obviosuly have a very boring life of work and home .

Michaelelis wrote:1) Is anyone else like me? Who doesnt have different names etc for there “parts” and is more
detached from life. I don't get emotional much from what I can tell.

2) If there is and there is DID is it curable? Is it possible to live a “normal” life?

3) Do drugs work? My doc is trying to pump me with anti depressants, I am not depressed at all just numb.

4) Is it worth the time and expense to get better? Considering I have survived so long withouth “help” I seem to be functioning ok, but obviosuly have a very boring life of work and home .

Welcome!

1. I am not aware of the names, ages, etc (if any) of any of my alters or fragments. I am only confident of the gender for one of them, and only because it is distinctly male, and so since I have a female body, I notice it. I consider myself to be an ANP-style (apparently normal part) Host, although I am also extremely detached from my emotions, which seem to be held in rather focused ways by different alters and fragments.

My understanding is that most DID systems are rather covert. That is certainly true of mine. I am about 2 months out from when I started psychotherapy for DID and other misc issues. I have no idea how long it takes on average to get to know other parts and such. However I am very integration-minded (which is a personal choice), so that is probably complicating certain things, as well.

2. My understanding is that recovery from DID can look like one of two things: either a system of alters that work extremely well together and in which all parts are content/functional and communicating successfully, or a system that has been integrated into one wholly conscious persona. This seems to be a matter of personal choice for each system. However, based on what I have read, it can take several years of dedicated psychotherapy with a T (or series of Ts if need be) that know what they are doing.

3. My understanding (and experience) is that medications can have wonky effects on a DID system, so pulling it off (such as for co-morbid things) can be very tricky. Drugs do not cure DID, though. Others here have way better knowledge of this subject than I do. Certain drugs have proven to cause switching for me.

4. That's a personal choice. If you are comfortable how you are, are having no complications in life and have no desire or motivation to get treatment, then it wouldn't exactly be nonsensical for you to not get treatment. However, what often leads most people with DID into treatment is some kind of crisis, usually when their system starts to basically 'malfunction' in ways that are causing serious problems. So on the other hand, working on your DID prior to a massive crisis could have advantages.

Also, I too wondered how in the world it couldn't have been obvious if I had DID all these years (I am 26). And frankly, it honestly creeps me the hell out that at least some of my alters (perhaps some internal manager types) are aware and smooth enough to pull off such covertness. However, I have no other way to explain several things in my life.

Working on grappling with "impossible facts" is something I am actually going through these days, though, so maybe it's a common awakening 'phase'.

Thank you for your well written reply CopperMoon I appreciate your persepctive, it is comforting to know I am not alone, well technically if I have multiple parts I am never alone.

Hi Michaelelis. Welcome!

Most of us do present with a more covert form of DID in life. There is only a very tiny subset that have DID to the level presented in the media (Sybil, Tara, etc.)

Michaelelis wrote:The thing is though what I don't have is:

Different names for these “parts” they are all me, obviously
I don't buy stuff I can't remember
I don't end up in places I don't remember going to, in fact I am quite a hermit I pretty much only go to work and home and have no real friends
No one has ever commented on my “parts”
No one has ever come up and called me by a different name etc

Most of these are "false" positives on testing. This is the DID that the general public knows thanks to media. The different names for the parts I will address in a minute. I don't find stuff in my closet I don't remember buying, I do buy stuff and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?". I don't have dissociative fugues, where I wander off and don't know where I am. I have had the experiences in life of going to parties, or other events and remembering very little of them other than I was there. Generally, my life is very foggy and dissociated and my memories are snapshots with no feelings or sense of really being there. Most of my life now, I don't go anywhere as going out started to become to stressful for me. I'm now trying to tip-toe back into the world.

No one has ever commented on my parts either before the diagnosis. Now that those closest to me know they are like "a-ha" that makes sense. All my life I have been described as ultra-moody with a temper that seems to come out of nowhere. I will define mood here as all-encompassing mood - playful, loving, depressed, angry, etc., not just moody in the common sense. If I am "feeling" playful I am totally playful (I'm not also an adult thinking of other things that need to be done), and so on.

I have always answered to my given name...It is the way the system has worked all these years. Except for one period of time my mother pointed out to me; In elementary school I wanted to be referred to by my middle name and then a few months later I only responded to both first and middle names. I do have a part that when she told me her name it was my middle name.

Now, parts having names. When I first started to get to know my parts they didn't generally pop out with names either. I described them they way they felt to me, such as the angry teenager. To build communication my T had me ask them what they wanted to be called. She had a couple of reasons for this, the first is that I had dissociated those parts away because to me they were negative and to continue to refer to them in a negative way, angry teenager, would continue to keep them separate and dissociated. I found that giving them names in some psychological way has reduced my fear of being in touch with these parts of myself. Having names just makes it easier to talk about these parts of myself to T and to others that understand. It makes them easier to recognize. Finding their names takes communication. Once you can "talk" to them, you can ask them what they want to be called.

Michaelelis wrote:What I do have is:

micro amnesia
identity confusion
not recognising myself in the mirror
feeling unreal
different parts of me that take control when stressed
I dont remember a lot of childhood.
Zoning out / day dreaming

This is DID...this is what most of us here experience, daily.

Michaelelis wrote:2) If there is and there is DID is it curable? Is it possible to live a “normal” life?

I don't know about curable. Most who have DID also suffer from PTSD, which also isn't curable. But, with time one can learn to live better. I don't have any plan to fully integrate my parts. I am working towards co-consciousness, committee type existence with my parts. I do know that there are a lot of people with DID that do live high-functioning, involved lives after therapy.

Michaelelis wrote:3) Do drugs work? My doc is trying to pump me with anti depressants, I am not depressed at all just numb.

There are no drugs for DID. I am taking an SSRI to help with extreme anxiety and compulsive thoughts I started experiencing over the summer. I had to try something as I was so destabalized that I was at risk for hospitalization. My pdoc has worked with me to slowly increase dosage so that we can find the right point where my symptoms are under control, but I can still feel the limited emotions I do feel. As I told my T, I want to still hurt enough I don't walk away from therapy again. My opinion, if you are feeling numb you are over medicated. Often times people take anti-depressants so that they don't have to work on what is making them depressed, and for those numbness is the goal. Unfortunately, doctors have started working towards this also and way over-prescribe meds. (Sorry, my soap-box)

Michaelelis wrote:) Is it worth the time and expense to get better? Considering I have survived so long withouth “help” I seem to be functioning ok, but obviosuly have a very boring life of work and home .

Are you functioning? A few months ago you went to therapy for some reason. You obviously didn't think you were functioning well then. Do you only want to stop therapy because of the DID diagnosis? I did the whole on again, off again therapy for 8 years...PTSD crisis would hit and I would see my T for awhile, things would calm down and I would disappear for awhile. All the time never getting to the root. Earlier this year my parts had enough, and made sure that I stuck around. That was when I was finally diagnosed with DID. Learning about our systems and parts creates its own crisis. It is called a DID crisis, and almost all of us go through it.

I'm 40, and in between crisis I do okay with my life. But, I have also lost 40 years or so of my life and have a lot of fears...for me it is worth it. Whatever time I have I want to finally know who I am.

Good luck. Hang out here, there are a lot of more experienced voices on this forum. Being diagnosed as DID isn't the end of the road. Sometimes it is kind of interesting

Hi Michaelelis. As others have said, you are not alone. Not in the least.

At the time I was diagnosed with DID none of my alters had separate names, that I knew of. Some still don't have names or, if they do, I don't know their names. My Alter 2 chose a name for himself after a therapy session where the lack of a name was a frustration for everyone. I don't find things in my home that I don't remember buying, but I do remember buying things I don't want . . . and I can't get rid of them! When I try I get a very sad and upset feeling. I experience a lot of meeting people for the first time who say we met before. I lose time; so far this has not been reversible. I also have episodes of dissociative amnesia; this has proven reversible. (Yay!)

Your current life is very constricted; work and home. This is very typical of someone with PTSD or DID; it helps to avoid upsets and experiences you would have trouble explaining away to yourself or others. My life before diagnosis was similar, except that I spent much of my time at work in a trance while Alter 2 pursued work that interested him. Consequently I have an unusual two-track career history.

Medications don't help DID, but may help with so-called co-morbidities. If you are not depressed, why does your psychiatrist want you to take an antidepressant? (And which one?) What explanation does the psychiatrist give you for this?

Both DID and PTSD are curable, with competent psychotherapy.

For me competent psychotherapy absolutely has been worth the time and effort and expense. The positive changes in my life are many and very rewarding too. Psychotherapy has been far more therapeutic and much less expensive than, say, playing golf.

Please let us know how you get on.

Michaelelis, I looked at your previous posts in other forums on this site. One comment you made really jumped out:

10 minutes into the session the psychologist goes "well, glad you are feeling better let's end it here, if you need me book another appoitment" so I left.

And you were startled and disoriented, right? Was it actually just 10 minutes, or did you lose time?

Who gave you the diagnosis of DID? Was it this psychologist?

Yes. Sorry, we are short on words. We used to think that we were schizoid, before the multiplicity became more apparent. Our lives were much like you described: work/room/work/back to room. We washed dishes for 8 years! I used to have anhedonia, thought I had chronic depression, was very detached and dissociated all the time, hopeless, etc. It turned out I had chronic burnout from the chronic stress (C-PTSD, etc). As soon as we had some relief from that stress (Prazosin, which enabled trauma work to happen) I started to feel better - it started with a feeling of relief - and gratitude for that feeling. Many people find SSRIs/serotonin drugs to be numbing. I find relief from anhedonia from wellbutrin, a NDRI; and abilify, an atypical antipsychotic, has rendered us more or less 'normal' (no more social anxiety, AN, hyper-arousal/burnout cycle, etc).

Others have written eloquent posts that are affirming and educating. I just wanted to chime in that I'm another one with subtle or "covert" DID. It's the most common form, according to all research literature. Unlike the more dramatic forms, with frequent black outs, I mostly just feel possessed or have no idea why I do things or have sudden changes in preferences or feelings, or seem to have five trains of thought living in my head independently.

Like Una+ said, many people's parts (alters) don't have names until they "wake up," but some do. In my case, some seemed to come with their own names, but most didn't. I don't know most of my alters yet. I'm just in the beginning phase.

I wonder if this thread I started may be of interest to you:
Host changes in covert DID
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic148826.html?hilit=covert%20did

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find some good resources and support here.

All that you described sounds like me. But only one part was given a separate name that isn't my own for example if my name was Jessica all my other parts" are J, Jess, Jessie, Sica, J.J, or descriptions like Diva, teenager, little girl, Tomboy but the one that's different would be like Rachel. (really different). But everything else except the type of abuse was different. My parents were the same as mine also

I also don't have the most obvious traits of DID that you described. Sometimes I have heard names whispered in my head but I don't know if that means anything. Also I just don't feel like I have completely separate people in me.

But still about ten million times a day I find myself switching into some type of different being who thinks "Yey, I've found myself, THIS is who I am and what life is really about" and then something happens and I realize it was just some alter with their very narrow view of themselves and the world. Somehow I have a desperate need to have a "me" and ONE view of what I am like and what world is like. It's draining to live like this. at 2 pm I might think that "I am super efficient, super smart, better than everyone, I'm going to be so famous, the world is my oyster and I really don't understand why people are so harsh on themselves" and one minute later it goes like "My GOD I'm stupid, can't even graduate on time, I'm going to end up living in the dumpster, how am I even still alive with this minus 1349 IQ?".

I think the closest of my actual self currently is someone who is confused, dazed, doesn't really know what is happening and who doesn't have many thoughts or feelings about anything and life just happens. But I'm afraid if I let it continue like this I'm going to die without ever having been alive. As for now I think I'm sleeping and it would be nice to wake up before I go back to sleep for good. (though in a way I have many lives, as the Arrogant Self Sufficient Yuppie and the Low Self Esteem Eve etc, but they are living in a dream as well).

Well I guess I could come up with some names..

Also one problem is that I keep rationalizing that everyone feels good one minute and bad the next, or at least people with emotional issues, but I should accept that even though they FEEL different, they don't usually CHANGE into different versions of themselves based on those feelings. And probably don't hear constant chatter in their head either. So I guess I have a Rationalizer too.