Gender & Sexual Orientation of Alters (TW: Sexual Topics)

(TW is meant seriously, I don't recommend any littles read this thread, I don't get graphic but it is a thread about intimacy stuff.)

For those willing to share, I am curious just how much your alters' gender identities and sexual orientations influence you (whoever you are in your system, host or alter, doesn't matter) when it comes to your romantic / intimate relationship / relationship history / attempts / etc.

I've always had a pretty terrible and confusing time with intimacy, of all types, but definitely including romance and sexuality.

Up until being made aware of the possibility that I have DID and starting treatment, I have contributed all of it to just trauma (without ever considering things like passive-influence or disassociation, which I understand come from trauma, but are another more complex layer than just something like PTSD).

Lately I am wondering how much some of my confusion, inhibitions and struggles (and in some cases very unexpected reactions) are coming from alters, especially since intimacy can be such a triggering topic all by itself.

For example, I've identified the presence of and have interacted with at least one male alter. He might be straight, gay, bi or asexual for all I know. But it certainly makes me wonder how much of some of my issues could come from something as simple as that.

For further example, if he is gay, that could certainly explain some things I've experienced over the years. If he is strictly straight, that could also explain certain things, too. For example, I have had situations where the idea of intimacy with a guy is appealing, but in the moment of actual intimacy (or would-be intimacy), I wind up feeling no attraction, even aversion, and awkwardness.

Sometimes I'm attracted to women, but I'm not a lesbian or bisexual, so I don't get where that comes from, either. I guess I mean by definition, if I am sometimes attracted to women, then that would make me bi, but I'm not. I don't really know how to explain it. It's a similar experience of being able to sense the attraction, but then having a sort of awkward 'halt' at the same time, like parts of me don't feel the same way.

Much of the time it's like I'm asexual, to the point where I sort of 'push out' memories that I've ever felt otherwise. Sometimes my awareness includes memories that I have felt attraction to other people, or even desired intimacy with other people. But my awareness does fluctuate quite a bit throughout time.

If anything, maybe it indicates that I have a lot of co-presence going on, on a regular basis, which is why I've always been very confused about it all (gender identity and sexual orientation).

Just mentally glossing over the history of my porn preferences is really confusing all by itself. I won't go into details since I figure that would be a bit much, but there are some (seeming) contradictions there.

Honestly sometimes it's like I'm a male in a woman's body, and sometimes I am a gay male and sometimes I am a straight male. I don't even.

So for the rest of you, if you feel comfortable sharing, do your alters' genders and orientations have an impact on your own identity and orientation? Or do you all keep it pretty separate? I'm wondering if it's a matter of how much co-presence is going on?

I've also considered that perhaps at least one male alter is simultaneously a sexual alter, which could possibly explain why my sexuality doesn't seem to match what I consider myself to be (a mostly asexual female, but straight when it comes down to it). That seems to be me, until it comes to my own self-intimacy, and then it's like stuff goes haywire, and suddenly I seem to be backseat to a male.

When I fantasize, I almost always see myself as a male, but I don't really think anything of it.

So yeah, wondering if anyone else has tried analyzing their alters' genders/orientations and drawn any conclusions about 'how it works' for their system.

Has anyone had any luck with making it work, where there are conflicting orientations between alters (for example straight male and straight female)? If so, how did you manage to make that work, without anyone freaking out?

I'm too tired and too shy to write a big response. I just wanted to say that my gender and sexual orientation has always been a source of great confusion for me. Lots of shifting, both over short and long periods of time. Like you, I am mostly asexual. I'm also pretty androgynous. But I at one point changed my name and lived as a male part of the time. I have also had online lesbian relationships. I will have sudden rushes of sexual energy that come from out of nowhere (especially since my DID crisis started). In real life, I have always actually had heterosexual relationships (with respect to my physical sex) as far as I know. I feel I might have had lesbian relationships that I don't know about. These aspects of my life are shrouded in mystery for me.

Another weird aspect of it all is that I have been oblivious to my gender and sexual orientation for much of my life. Looking back, there have been times when I have dressed as a male, or very androgynous, and I didn't know that I was doing this. I have always known that my gender is "off" but tried hard to fit in and dress the way I "should." Then other people would refer to me as the wrong gender, or point out that my clothing is a certain way, and I'd be totally shocked. I was going around wearing different clothing and presenting myself as different ways, and completely unaware of it. i don't know if that's a DID thing or a gender dysphoria thing or something else altogether.

Nondescript wrote:I'm too tired and too shy to write a big response. I just wanted to say that my gender and sexual orientation has always been a source of great confusion for me. Lots of shifting, both over short and long periods of time. Like you, I am mostly asexual. I'm also pretty androgynous. But I at one point changed my name and lived as a male part of the time. I have also had online lesbian relationships. I will have sudden rushes of sexual energy that come from out of nowhere (especially since my DID crisis started). In real life, I have always actually had heterosexual relationships (with respect to my physical sex) as far as I know. I feel I might have had lesbian relationships that I don't know about. These aspects of my life are shrouded in mystery for me.

Another weird aspect of it all is that I have been oblivious to my gender and sexual orientation for much of my life. Looking back, there have been times when I have dressed as a male, or very androgynous, and I didn't know that I was doing this. I have always known that my gender is "off" but tried hard to fit in and dress the way I "should." Then other people would refer to me as the wrong gender, or point out that my clothing is a certain way, and I'd be totally shocked. I was going around wearing different clothing and presenting myself as different ways, and completely unaware of it. i don't know if that's a DID thing or a gender dysphoria thing or something else altogether.

Thanks for your reply. I anticipated getting few or no responses, because well it's a sex topic, heh. But I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. I am sure eventually I will have a moment where I 'realize' I made this thread and will be mortified. Oh well.

I can definitely relate to the clothing/dressing stuff. It's hard for me to tell what is really going on sometimes, though, when it comes to stereotypical 'masculine' appearance. On one hand it could be the theory that I have shame/fear issues and try to hide my gender. On the other hand it could be a lot of passive-influence from a male alter or something along those lines. It's hard to tell because typically (at least where I live) masculine clothing is at least somewhat baggy, and then I've had professionals and speculators assert that I wear baggy clothing because of shame/fear issues. I have no real idea at this point which (if either) of those is correct.

I do remember taking a my best female friend to a dance in high school, during my sophomore year, and I dressed up for it since it was mildly formal, so my appearance was that of a sort of dressed up male, and it's one of the only times in my life that I've ever felt attractive. Which I guess shouldn't make sense, since I am a woman, but whatever I had a good time.

I'm not sure really how much my Alters influence my sexuality. They all definitely have their own tastes, but majority of them are either attracted to women (in the case of F.'s tastes, though she's technically aromantic) /very feminine people, regardless of gender ( Myself, S., Big M. & A-O) or are Asexual ( C. & T. )

I know sexually, I've felt Bisexual (now Pansexual) since I hit puberty, and my gender I never really thought about until my late teenage years. I've always had the "Toyboy" androgynous look my whole life. (My mother wanted a cutesy little princess, she got a rambunctious little prince instead). Mostly I dress in masculine or very gender-neutral clothing. Occasionally I will wear something feminine ( At F. or T.'s request ), but it's rather rare, and the clothes are typically not flashy/"playful", more like lady's "classy" modern fashion.
I haven't worn makeup (since I was 16) either, never really liked how it felt on my skin, though I do have a large collection of multi-colored lipstick and lipgloss, that the whole system seems to enjoy. But no mascara, eye-shadow, blush or any of that.

As far as physical-relationships go, none of my Alters have "dated" anyone IRL (to my knowledge), though I've been with different genders. My Alters have fronted while I was in those relationships a few times, but I made my SO's aware I had this issue. (Before I knew I had DID, the sudden shift in personality was blamed on my Bipolar disorder, though I know now sometimes that was not the case.) Thankfully no one was driven away by their sudden appearance (at least I don't think so.)

Edit:nvm my situation is too personally identifiable, let's just say it's a mess, on all fronts

CopperMoon wrote:I can definitely relate to the clothing/dressing stuff. It's hard for me to tell what is really going on sometimes, though, when it comes to stereotypical 'masculine' appearance. On one hand it could be the theory that I have shame/fear issues and try to hide my gender. On the other hand it could be a lot of passive-influence from a male alter or something along those lines. It's hard to tell because typically (at least where I live) masculine clothing is at least somewhat baggy, and then I've had professionals and speculators assert that I wear baggy clothing because of shame/fear issues. I have no real idea at this point which (if either) of those is correct.

B.: I really want to know if I have some kind of biological/hormonal abnormality that causes my gender problems, or if it's all some kind of reaction to the messed up dynamics in my parents' relationship. (My dad was an extreme misogynist... but he has his own gender identity problems.)

CopperMoon wrote:I do remember taking a my best female friend to a dance in high school, during my sophomore year, and I dressed up for it since it was mildly formal, so my appearance was that of a sort of dressed up male, and it's one of the only times in my life that I've ever felt attractive. Which I guess shouldn't make sense, since I am a woman, but whatever I had a good time.

Alex: Your description of this brings tears to my eyes, honestly. I briefly passed as a young man and lived as such. It was one of the most fulfilling times of my life. Being seen for who I am and loved for who I am is something I don't expect to experience again, unfortunately. It is a sacrifice I made for my others and which I will continue to make for our children and husband. If you have an alter who influenced you in this, I would be happy to converse with him, if only to reminisce.

Nondescript wrote:

CopperMoon wrote:I do remember taking a my best female friend to a dance in high school, during my sophomore year, and I dressed up for it since it was mildly formal, so my appearance was that of a sort of dressed up male, and it's one of the only times in my life that I've ever felt attractive. Which I guess shouldn't make sense, since I am a woman, but whatever I had a good time.

Alex: Your description of this brings tears to my eyes, honestly. I briefly passed as a young man and lived as such. It was one of the most fulfilling times of my life. Being seen for who I am and loved for who I am is something I don't expect to experience again, unfortunately. It is a sacrifice I made for my others and which I will continue to make for our children and husband. If you have an alter who influenced you in this, I would be happy to converse with him, if only to reminisce.

Hi Alex. (Host here, sorry not the male alter)

I have identified at least one male alter in my system during a rather intense co-presence experience, during which he was fronting and I was simply present and 'along for the ride'. We have also spoken a small bit. Other than that, though, unfortunately I don't know much about him, and as a system we don't seem to be at a point yet where any of us can really choose to be in the front or not. When I switch, I always find about it (if I even do find about it) afterwards via evidence.

What I can say is that I think he was out for a great deal of my sophomore year of high school, while I was experiencing the 'along for the ride' phenomenon. I previously mistook him for a lesbian, I think, but looking back, after my recent co-experience, I think that was actually a male, not a lesbian. I can only tell you what it was like, really. Maybe someday I could get him to speak for himself.

Many horrible things went down during my freshman year (age 15), and I have no memory of finishing that year of school or of starting my sophomore year (age 16). But at some point it was like I just sort of drifted back into awareness, and my memories of that year are kind of like a floating in-and-out movie. But everything was extremely pleasant and comfortable, as though I had no memory of at all of any of the bad things that had happened in the previous couple of years. It was like none of that had ever happened.

I recall that during my sophomore year (age 16) I was most unusually (for myself) extroverted, fearless and humorous, in a sort of 'cool kid' kind of way (as silly as that sounds, but this alter is indeed pretty cocky, so it makes sense in retrospect). I dressed in almost exclusively male clothing and had a distinct taste in that regard, more rugged and punkish looking, I think.

I recall that I fell romantically for a female classmate who also turned out to live in my neighborhood. As insanely out of character as such a thing would be for me, I actually went out of my way to flirt with her and eventually boldly invited her over for a bit of a date (but didn't call it a date, at least this alter is smooth about our DID thing).

So it started with a game of chess, and honestly I feel a bit embarrassed remembering exactly how flirtatious I was through the whole thing. This girl and I wound up being extremely close friends throughout the year, and all of my memories of that year involve her and our time spent together.

I can't remember if anything was ever too official, but I remember we cuddled quite a bit, I was rather protective of her, held hands a lot, flirted a lot, slept over at her house quite a bit, etc. By the end of the year it turned out she was bisexual and had considered me her girlfriend the entire time (but again I can't remember if she and I ever had a conversation about that - maybe I was completely booted out of the front for such things).

I recall going to the Renaissance Festival with her, and she was my date. I was a knight and she was a fairy-type girl. Was a great deal of fun. I just remember feeling like a male the entire year and having a wonderful time, even if I was just sort of watching everything.

The school dance memory is just my absolute favorite, is all. I felt handsome and sharp, in appearance, and felt 'right' and comfortable. I was absolutely twitterpated with this girl and absolutely thrilled with whatever attention I got from her, especially when she was acting like my girlfriend. I finally worked up the nerve to slow dance with her, and it was kind of funny (as she was about a foot taller than me) but when we slow danced, she eventually (and without warning) put her head down on my shoulder, and I felt her squish up against me, and it was just like the most euphoric moment I'd ever had in my life. I felt like I was watching it from a third person view and it just looked adorable and perfect. And it was like every other student there just vanished from reality for 5 minutes.

My theory is that this alter brought a lot of depth and happiness to my life that year. During that year I was also forced to go spend weekends with my biological father, but I can't remember much at all about what my home life was like during that year. It was like the whole year was just nothing but time with this girl, and me being a male.

Maybe a big part of why I liked it so much when this alter fronted the other day was because it was blissfully nostalgic or something.

So tedious.
I can't actually sustain a relationship because of the differing appetites of the others. I'm bi, (male alter) but I prefer women. Two are straight women, one's a gay boy, one's a lesbian, one's asexual. It's all over the place. And if any of us ever even start dating someone, we'll just switch and be repulsed by them so there's no point.
I end up just sleeping around and giving people the impression that I'm cold.
One of the others actually moved in with a guy once that only she had feelings for. It was a disaster. I personally slept with the guy a few times just to keep up the illusion. GAG.