Alters Grieving *Trigger Warning*

*Trigger Warning* for discussion about death and mourning

I guess I should start by saying that I am a pretty cold person when it comes to my family members dying. I think it goes back to my attachment/abandonment issues. I don't miss or even mourn when I have lost close family members. I feel bad for other people that really miss the person, but I don't feel the loss at all.

My grandmother died 8 years ago today. My mother reminded me of this in an email last night. When my grandmother died I was dealing with a premature baby in the NICU and couldn't go to her funeral or do anything for it. To me that was a blessing because I didn't have to deal with one of my major childhood abusers. For the last eight years I have barely thought of my grandmother.

After my Mom's email last night I started spiraling back down into sadness and depression that I had kind of shook off recently. All day today I find myself writing about my grandmother...getting memories I don't remember having - good and bad. My internal manager told me that several of the alters are only just now aware that my grandmother has died and some were very close to her.

I am guessing that they are grieving, but never actually experiencing it myself I wonder how I can help them today?

You are not a cold person. You are a dissociated person! Similar situation has been faced in my system as well. As each alter wakes up and gets oriented to the here and now, they are likely to discover losses. And they will need to mourn the loss. Eventually, so will you.

Certain things I had mourned previously I found myself mourning all over again after each fusion. This is painful, but also healing.

I explained to my therapist today that if I am really a host, then I must be the worst host ever because I'm so controlling, freak out at anyone in the system who I even think is trying to challenge my status, and I'm only empathetic when I happen to feel like it (if not, then everyone needs to just shut the hell up and go away). My therapist said, "That's your job," as if she was dismissing my concern that I'm a crappy host.

I know I probably really could use some work as a host, but I guess the thing of it was, like Una+ said, it's disassociation. We all have our jobs. I don't think you not experiencing the loss is about you being cold. My guess would be that it's just part of what allows you to do your job in holding everything together while other parts of you grieve.

Thank you Una+ and CopperMoon for your replies. I spent some time today letting different parts write about what they remember of my grandmother. It was very interesting as I realized what an affect she had on my life, mainly in a positive way. She is the only family member that really meant it when she hugged a person. Today I could feel her hugs. Before today what I remembered of her was mainly through the eyes of other family members that were always negative about her, and I had 32 years with her.

A realization that a lot of "my history" is that what has been told to me by others. Today I experienced a memory. A good memory.

Before this year I never could understand why I just could not mourn people leaving or dying. Friendships end, friends move away, family members die...I just move on without a thought. Out of sight, out of mind. But, with what I have learned about my babyhood/toddlerhood it makes sense...I was left alone (totally) for hours. I guess I just find it easier not to worry about people once they are gone.

It ended up being one of those days with several ah-ha moments.