1+ part likes me 1+ part doesn't?

Well,
There is a women with DDNOS (6 always active personalities) that I have been associating with for quite a while now, we overlap at church, school, choir, stage performances and other activities and have tons in common. We dated for a while but was not physically involved or deeply emotionally involved.
We broke up mostly because of my unresolved issues with NPD flaring up, causing boundary violations on my part, like trying telling her exactly how she should live her life.
I got my NPD Dx one month after we broke up and have progressed nicely over the last 2 years in cleaning up my behaviors and have resolved all(most) my major issues. I am really not the same person I was 2 years ago, and I think she can tell that, however I keep getting mixed signals.

Sometimes I will look up from something I am doing and she is staring at me and smiling. Other times she will go way out of her way just to avoid passing near me, sometimes just minutes apart. In fact sometimes she looks at me with what might be longing and less than a second later she is kind of snubbing me.

Several months ago she asked me to not contact her anymore, so I have kept my distance but we still see each-other at-least once a week. However I keep getting the feeling that she wants contact with me, and debating when, how and/or if I should trying ask her what she wants from me. Calling her and directly asking seems like that is against what she wants her current boundaries to be and e-mail with her is what got me in hot water in the first place.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like I am in my car coming up to a traffic light that has green, yellow, and red all flashing at the same time , and I don't know how to respond to it other than slow down and be careful.

Any thoughts on how to deal this type of situation?

She may be DID not DDNOS after all. That would be my expectation. It is very common for people with DID to be diagnosed with DDNOS and only later does switching with amnesia become apparent.

I know someone who behaves just like your lady friend. Actually I know several someones like this, but one in particular. It is just the strangest thing, and wonderful, in its own way. Each part is so transparent, so indescribably innocent and up front. The natural "internal conflict" that most people have and conceal so well is all right there on the surface in the behavior that changes from day to day, even from moment to moment.

You might ask her at some point if she remembers that she asked you not to contact her anymore. A good moment to do this is when you catch her looking all gooey. That part of her may be unaware of this, may not know why you have stopped contacting (e-mailing?) her. The part who looks at you may not be the part who reads e-mail. Pay attention to when and where you see that part, in fact pay attention to each part. Relate to each part, almost as if they were separate persons. So you may want to say hello to her more than once when you see her: greet each part who surfaces.

She is one of those rare cases who has all personalities active 24/7. She says its a constant never-ending stream of 6 voices in her head. She does not suffer from 'lost time' so she falls short of a full DID Dx.

She controls what she does and says very well most of the time so if you aren't paying attention who wouldn't notice what is underneath. But if you were perceptive and pay attention to her eyes, face, body language, you would see there is a lot more going on there.

If I am correct her personality who is responsible for her singing has a crush on me, I have become a reasonably gifted singer myself (I sing low Bass and she's a high Soprano), When we are singing or at a singing event I seem to get a lot more attention, stares and smiles from her than normal, she will usually look away if I seem to notice her looking. She didn't tell me that 'ages' of the personalities but I get the feeling this one is 'a little', I was told she doesn't talk externally, just sings. She seems rather shy and has a unbridled enthusiasm and pure joy that feels like a young child.

She also has a sadistic personality too (feels like this one is late teens or early 20's, the system age is just shy of 40) that I think digs me because I also have a dark sense of humor as well, but I am not certain.

She has another personalty that doesn't communicate at all on the outside but harbors a rich set of emotion that I think I have felt from time to time. Can't tell, but I suspect this one might like me too.

She has one personality that only hates, so I imagine he' hates me.

One has no emotions, just a storage of memories and other information she can tap into if she needs to recall something.

Her executive is quite mature, subdued, has NPD but is self aware and very controlled, Tries to make all decisions based on careful thought and logic. She ruled long time ago that I was not emotionally safe to have in a close relationship, she is very stubborn (her description of herself) but has seems to soften towards me recently.
Often I feel like she is started to soften enough that I can approach her and I get encouraging signals, but than sometimes I still get red lights.

Its tricky, if I approach too quickly I know I will scare her off and firm up her resolve about not having anything to do with me. If I wait too long then eventually it will be too late.
With other women it is much easier to figure out their 'red light/ green light' signals, but with this woman, I feel like I am shooting in the dark.

I would just give up but I really feel that we would get extremely well if we could get through the few hurdles that are keeping us apart and it would be a waste if we didn't get together and some point in the future...

It seems the executive personality broke the tie and decided to try to get an restraining order against me. She failed but got a court mediation agreement that I would stay away from her and no longer attend the same meetings as her.

Don't understand why she couldn't just say that directly to me, but so be it. Curious what her others has to say about it but guess I will never find out.


Guess you really need to have unanimous consent if you want to have any chance to have a successful relationship with a person who is a system. Even casual dating without unanimous consent seems precarious.

Thanks Una for the earlier suggestions and trying to help.

I am not dating at the moment particularly because i dont think everyone is ready for it. And my male alters become really aggressive...we also have different sexual preferences...so until i find a way to stabilize this i will not go into a relationship for now. My protector is also pretty paranoid (as opposed to me because i am not, at all actually)

The Narcissist wrote:Don't understand why she couldn't just say that directly to me

According to your first post in this thread about 6 weeks ago, she did say it directly:

The Narcissist wrote:Several months ago she asked me to not contact her anymore

You may well have been getting mixed signals, but then you know full well that she is a multiple. Mixed signals are to be expected from a multiple. As with anyone who sends mixed signals, regardless of why they do it, you "cherry pick" among those signals at your own risk.

As far as courts are concerned, the most important signal is the direct one using words. This is precisely because many people, much of the time, are deeply conflicted about what they want and what to do to get what they want. A multiple is no different in this regard. Where we differ is that our internal conflicts tend to be externalized, embodied in alters who act out where all the world can see, and sometimes due to amnesia and/or denial we are largely or even completely unaware that we are so naked and exposed to the world.

She asked you not to contact her anymore, so try to respect that and move on.

This is totally beside the point, but I am curious: was her condition mentioned at all in the mediation?

Una+ wrote:Where we differ is that our internal conflicts tend to be externalized, embodied in alters who act out where all the world can see, and sometimes due to amnesia and/or denial we are largely or even completely unaware that we are so naked and exposed to the world.

I've noticed this. It's like listening to the private thoughts or conversation of a person.

Sea

The Narcissist wrote:Don't understand why she couldn't just say that directly to me
Una+: According to your first post in this thread about 6 weeks ago, she did say it directly:

Well, I had reason to believe her request was temporary, I become involved in a dangerous situation rescuing friend and thought that she was only distancing herself because she knew she couldn't get close to what I was involved in. I had thought once I was well clear that situation she would likely be open to contact again, as she was open to it before I was involved in that incident.
After I had solved the dangerous situation and stopped being involved with that other friend, I waited for a clear signal from my lady friend that I could talk to her again. That is when seeing mixed signals I got confused, and kept outside her personal space wondering what to do.

Yeah, cherry picking, I probably was guilty of that.

I Did know she was multiple but I didn't put it together until I started this thread that that is why I kept getting confusing mixed signals, I couldn't figure out what they meant for a long time.
She is the first multiple I have dealt with in real life. Mostly I tried to ignore the fact that she was multiple because I thought it would be rude if I did otherwise. Perhaps that was a mistake.
This was never brought up in court because I thought it was a 'low blow' to bring it up. Although she had no problem bringing up that I was bi-polar and had NPD in her court filing, failing to mention that she had that along with DDNOS. But I still detest playing dirty so I left all of that out.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to respect whatever her executive requests regardless of what I perceived from her alters. I had hoped that her executive would soften but seems I was foolish, she told me she was stubborn and I should have believed that instead of getting my hopes up by the warm smiles and stares.

My thought was your lady friend could have used her condition to make her case and get the restraining order. She could have used the argument that her major dissociative disorder (the term combines DID and DID-like DDNOS) makes her as vulnerable as a child in some circumstances and because you know she has the disorder you have a tremendous advantage over her and she needs the legal protection of a court order.

But, for whatever reason, she did not use that argument. Perhaps she refrained out of a feeling of stigma. Or perhaps she was trying to protect you to some extent. Perhaps she got bad advice from someone. Or perhaps she got good advice.

The Narcissist wrote:I Did know she was multiple but I didn't put it together until I started this thread that that is why I kept getting confusing mixed signals, I couldn't figure out what they meant for a long time.

I can relate. I've been there, done that myself.

The Narcissist wrote:Mostly I tried to ignore the fact that she was multiple because I thought it would be rude if I did otherwise. Perhaps that was a mistake.

I would say that was a mistake. When someone discloses something so very important and personal and different about themselves, I think it would be rude to ignore that information. At the very least the person who disclosed is likely to perceive your ignoring as disbelief or denial, and to feel rejected and hurt. They almost certainly feel not seen. Someone who discloses is asking, begging, to be seen for who they really are.

The Narcissist wrote:she had no problem bringing up that I was bi-polar and had NPD in her court filing

Do you think this helped her case? I would expect her bringing up this particular information to work against her, actually.

The Narcissist wrote:I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to respect whatever her executive requests regardless of what I perceived from her alters.

Yes, that usually is the best choice. Where it gets really confusing is that you may get direct requests and statements of intent that are directly conflicting. She may not be anywhere near as co-conscious as she thinks she is. That would be typical. Most of us multiples are not as fully aware as we think we are. It is really, really hard for anyone to know what one does not know. Recall the saying "The more you know, the more you know you don't know." So, if she ever does give you a clear green light, proceed with caution! I recommend double- and triple-checking with her from time to time that she remembers what she said and thinks the same and feels the same herself. Her parts, whichever one(s) you are in contact with in any given moment, may not be all on the same page.

Moving forward, my thought is that at some point a sincere letter of apology from you might go a long way toward mending the relationship. I think you now see one place where you went wrong before, and could do better in future.