Sorry *TW*

Sorry I probably post too much...

*Trigger Warning*

I want to die... I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry that it looked like I was getting better. I seriously was, but after today it's all gone down hill. I am actually crying for once. I want to f***ing die.

I don't want to live if a T, a person we are suppose to trust tells us plainly that we aren't real. That we can't possibly have DID because we are aware of each other. I didn't know f***ing anyone until just recently. I guess I'm not real 'cause if I was then I wouldn't know Host, I wouldn't f***ing know a d**n thing about this system nor any of its others.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not real, so I can't possibly feel the pain. I can't possibly feel the f***ing hurt that she caused us or rather me 'cause I don't know about the others. I just want to die. To fade away and never return, but I know that's not f***ing possible. So my only option is to kill the body. I know it will hurt the others but I can't live with this pain.

I'm sorry I rant too much. I'm sorry if I cause any pain. I don't have a plan nor time, but soon. Before next therapy session. I just want to die. I'm too f***ing lazy to put this in color

Devyn

Cynthia

One, your T is misinformed and has no idea what DID is like. You can be aware of the host and the others and have DID. Seriously, your T sucks and I would get rid of her. She's doing nothing but harm and hurting not just you but the whole system. It really makes me mad because she doesn't care about anything but the paycheck she probably gets at the end of the day for giving bad advice. She's not a T in my opinion and should be fired and never allowed to work in the medical industry ever again. You are real and so is everyone in your system. Geez, I hate bad people that take advantage of others because of their profession, like your T is doing. Your T is nothing but a lazy pile of bones that doesn't believe in helping anyone. Seriously she should just go crawl under a rock and never surface ever again. I hate your T for making you cry and making you feel worthless when you are important. Please talk to your host about getting a new T for your wellbeing and everyone else's.

It's so hard 'cause there's no T in our area that treats dissociation. She doesn't even believe we dissociate. Host wants to keep her because we trusted her in the beginning. She was a good T, but now I don't know. She says she want Host, but not us. She doesn't care about us.

I feel like no one thinks we're real anymore. Not Host's family, not her friends, and not her T. I don't know about her psychiatrist 'cause we haven't seen her in three weeks. We see her next week though. Maybe she'll treat us like we are real...Are we real?

*TW*
It's like saying can you go and die so I can talk to Host?
This is why I want to die, because no one else wants me around.
'Cause no one else cares about me. Yes Host does, but it seems like only her.
I'm sure she won't mind me killing the body...
She's hurt too.
*END*

It hurt so much. I thought she was a good T when we started. She didn't know about us then...maybe we shouldn't have told her about us...
Thankfully Host's mom doesn't realize we're crying.

Devyn

Cynthia

Sorry for my over the top reaction but I just don't understand how someone can disrespect someone so much. As for your host hurting, she probably shares your feelings that the T can't be trusted but feels there are no other options but what about the other numerous alters that would mind if you killed the body since you would be killing them too, not just the host and yourself. Please wait to see the psychiatrist and tell her how you feel about your T and the family's reaction. Maybe she'll listen.

I wish we could have someone understand us. There's no one who understands us.
The others aren't around. It'll be all done before they even "wake up".
I hope the psychiatrist believes us.
How are we real? I don't understand why we are real? If people say we are not, why are we then?
Why am I even here, "alive"?
Why do they think Host is faking?

Devyn

Cynthia

You are real because you are sitting her, typing to is, which is not something a fake person could do. You feel, think and have needs that need to be attended to. The reason the others say you and the others aren't real are because they're a bunch of lazy, uncaring people who would rather ignore the situation than face it and deal with it. Viola's mom is the same way, saying that her problems can be solved through prayer or be controlled which is a bunch of...which is not an acceptable answer. Sorry. Trying hard not to curse but it's so tempting from how angry I am at the fact that people would rather ignore a very real disorder and demean everyone involved.

Hi. I'm Brian and I'm going to step in for Cynthia since she needed to go cool off from how angry she was getting. I agree with Cynthia. You shouldn't let others dictate your existance. If you believe you're real then you are and no one else's opinion matters about it. Only yours. It took a while for our host to get over taking other people's opinions to heart and she still struggles with it but once you realize that no one else's opinion matters but yours and the ones in your system, then the insults will stop being so painful. Take it from me who has been ignored for the longest time.

So I'm real...
That makes me feel a little bit better.
Should we have told?
We could still be, well they could still be happy without this pain that we just felt.
Maybe I should take a bath...baths are nice.

Devyn

Yes, go take a bath if that makes you feel better and yes you are real. As for telling your T, while she needed to know, since she's not using the information to help you all, it was a good idea but it came out with a bad outcome which is not your fault. There are many people that just can face unknown things and chose to run away from them than embrace it and learn about it. You all had good intentions but your T didn't. She wants simple and she got a complex disorder and doesn't understand that being aware of each other helps the system heal. It makes me a bit mad too but why dwell on what you can't change? Just look for a way to change it for the better.

We aren't simple we are complex. I'll take that to heart. We are complex. We are unique...
How do I do that? How do I change this? What's going to happen I mean?

Devyn

That's the thing, I don't know. We have no T experience but I would start by having the host have a very firm heart to heart with her. Maybe research something about DID and show them to the T to educate her. If that fails, I would let the T know that you are really considering finding someone else who can help if she's not going to put the effort in to help all of you. That may sound harsh but it's the truth and sometimes for some people, the truth hurts.