Need to share TW: abuse, miscarriage, r, self harm, suicide

Hello. First of all I'm new to the website, not to DID.. I'm 21 now and have had Jess with me since I was 15.. I just feel..I don't even know how to explain it.. so I guess I'll just start talking- er, typing...

I had a rough childhood, it wasn't anything earth shattering, pretty normal things that a lot of children go through... lower-middle class to middle-middle class, parent with an alcohol and drug problem, a lot of fighting and emotional abuse at home, and bullied a lot at school.. when I was 15 I started high school, and lost my only two friends.. it made everything go from tolerable (it's easy to shove your life behind you when you're spending almost every weekend at your rich friend's house) to horrible.

**This next part is TW**

The first time I remember hearing Jess was after a particularly hard day.. my social studies teacher thought it would be a good idea to write the top three students on the chalk board for "inspiration" for the rest of the class.. the students that sat behind me decided it would be funny to take paper wads and stick them in my hair while I was taking notes.. then they both jumped up and shouted "Madison has LICE!"...

I went through the rest of that day in a haze, I believe I was dissociating all day, or maybe I just blocked out what happened.. but I went home and locked myself in my room to take my anger and tears out on a blade pressed to my skin again.. I cut once, the deepest cut I have, before Jess started talking to me. It scared the living $#%^ out of me and for months I thought I was going crazy. I googled the crap out of "schizophrenia" and scared myself into not talking about it to anyone..

One year later (well.. 1 1/2) I was starting to get my life in order.. I owe a LOT of that to Jess.. I was understanding of Jess. She still scared the $#%^ out of me at times, but I was more accepting.. still hadn't heard the term "DID/MPD" though, and hadn't talked to anyone about her yet. My friend asked if she could spend the night, so of course I said yes. When she came over she said she was bored and went hunting on "myyearbook" through her friends list to see if anyone wanted to hang out. She found two guys that were willing to hang with us. Grudgingly I said I'd go.. so we told my mom we were spending the night at her house, and set off to a few towns over to hang with these guys.. My friend ditched me halfway throughout the night to have sex with one of the guys, which made the other guy want something too.. I think it was sometime that week that Rick appeared. He was a very pissed alter.. I don't think he was every mad at anything, he was just a generally unhappy dude (though I would be too if I was a guy and when I looked in the mirror I saw a girl with giant tits that just can't be binded no matter how hard we've all tried). Rick was the protector for a while, though I consider Jess like a second mother so she was always the protector to me.. even though it was Rick who fronted when he felt that Jess or I were threatened in the slightest.. honestly I'm surprised this kid didn't get us thrown in jail or something. I tried to kill myself last September. I took a bottle of pills, got into my car, and drove like a mad woman.. somewhere in that time Rick fronted (despite me trying to block them) and buckled my seatbelt and ultimately saving my life. However we haven't heard from him since.

A few months later I had a miscarriage, and my third alter appeared. Her name was Alice. She was a 7 year old.. she was only with us for a few months.. somewhere from 5 to 9.. less than a year for sure.. she was a pain to control, because at this point NO ONE knows yet. Thankfully I'm a bit immature by nature so it wasn't that hard to explain why I was talking with a lisp and wanting to hula hoop and color (her favorite activities). Seriously I feel for those who have young children..

Despite all of this.. despite all these alters I have had.. despite the voices and the confirmation from my ex boyfriend who WATCHED me switch alters many times and has told me on many ocassions exactly what I do before, and during, a switch. Despite everything I still feel like this is all in my head (no pun intended...). I feel like I'm making this all up for attention or something.

My crackpot theory is.. I was 15 in 2008, that show "United States of Tara" came out in 2009.. maybe I was flipping channels one day and the commercial was on or something, I heard "DID" and subconsciously elaborated this whole story..

I don't know.. I just feel like I'm crazy... this is why I continuosly try to kill myself.. because I'm just crazy.. this isn't real... sorry, clarification ***MY DID*** isn't real (don't think I'm saying DID/MPD isn't real)... is it??? I ######6 feel insane.. and the main reason I do is because a lot of the times Jess is out I know what's going on. I sometimes feel like a backseat driver, I sometimes "lose time", and sometimes I feel like I'm me.. but I'm not.. like I'm in control but I'm not me... do I make any sense by saying that?

... and now I'm worried I've ultimately made someone reading this pissed/triggered.. I'm sorry if this is all in my head and I'm subconciously making up some disorder or something.. I hate myself for this.. I don't know what's real and not anymore...

I am sorry to hear about your struggles. I can understand a lot of what you went through. You are not alone. I care and am listening to you and supporting. I have insiders too. Blessings.

Chantel et Co.

That "I am crazy" thought/feeling is so prominent in so many of us who are formally diagnosed with DID that it is a good diagnostic symptom in its own right. You have taken a big step by sharing with us; do you think you could share with a psychotherapist or counselor? That would seem to be a sensible next step.

You are not alone. Other people have experienced similar stuff. It gets better, but you have to be around for it.

I am moving states next year from Missouri to Ohio to go to college and get married. I have a girlfriend who is SO unbelievably understanding of Jess and I... I'll wait until then to start seeing a therapist again.. right now I don't want to get into details with someone and open this whole can of worms I don't want to open.. just to have to start fresh in a year..

Thank you for reassuring me I'm not crazy for all of this..