Healing

It's has been a rough trip. Some of you know the story. I met a guy, fell in love, told me he had DID, started dating, we tried so hard to make it work, one of his alters didn't cooperate, our relationship ended. We tried again to make it work, but we couldn't. So we took some distance from one another.

I wanna talk about the healing part after finishing, or maybe be just the healing work, the taking care of your self as Significant Other.

When he told me about his DID, I knew nothing about it. I wasn't afraid. I went straight up looking for information. I read, and read, and read. Thank God there's internet now a days. It made it a lot easier.

I told no one, it was private.

He told me when a new alter was arriving. I tried to connect with him; we did. But his actions and his answers to me hurt so badly. "You matter to Gatsby, not to me" "Me kissing other guys, shouldn't bother you, I'm not Gatsby. And if it does, it's your problem not mine". I felt humiliated, hurt, lost, hopeless, helpless.

What was this? Surely if he had no DID I knew what to do: I wouldn't be with someone who didn't care how I was feeling.

But he had DID. What was I supposed to do? When was it too much? What was allowed? Can people DID have monogamous relationships? Would Evo ever allow our relationship? Does he really not care how I feel? Who is the one who doesn't care? Was it always gonna be like this? Is the one I love going to disappear one day? Am I in love with an alter?

I went looking for help. First thing was telling friends about it. He was ok with me telling some friends and family. So I did. That was a first step towards healing. I needed support, on my own, I was drowning.

Telling them lifted a burden. Some didn't know what to do or what to say, but they were with me, they understood the peculiarity of the situation, and they were giving me love. Some friends who were psychologist gave me great help: "He will never vanished because they are all one" "You gotta see if your needs in the relationship are being met". And sites which said: "You cannot fix him, he's the one who has to do the healing" "You gotta take care of yourself, first."

I kept on going, getting to know his alters, spending awesome time with them, being hurt other times with them. Reading, reading, reading.

Gatsby trying to be with me, Evo being with other guys, ignoring me. They switching many times a day. Gatsby not making it to our dates, Evo not caring. Was I dividing them? Was I not helping? Was I damaging? I was hurting. Can I go on with this? But I love this guy, I adore him. But is it healthy for me? But, how can I leave him? Everyone in his life has. I don't want to be the same. I wanna be there for him, for them. I wanted once an open relationship, what happened? Had I failed? I was ok with him being with other people, then what was hurting so much?

I did a healing trip to a sacred place. The mountains, the drums, the Earth, my friend, who is a psychologist, help me heal a bit, and I recharged my batteries to be able to continue.

I went back, and contacted a therapist to understand more about DID, to solve my questions. I ordered books to understand more.

Evo and I connected more, but he still wouldn't give up him flirting with other guys. We were know friends, but he said that was his essence, so he wouldn't stop. He started a relationship with one of the guys.

Books described DID, I understood the cause, how it works, but nor the books, nor the therapist were giving the answers I wanted. Had I any chance of a happy relationship with him? with them?

I run into this forum. And I found answers. People with DID having relationships, some monogamous, some open, having kids, some integrated, some working in harmony within themselves.

I posted, I found answers. But I found more than that, I found a community that held me and understood what I was going through. A place where I was hold. And I needed it so badly. The therapist, although a good one, had no much answers regarding DID, friends a family gave me love, but didn't know what to advise, so people in this place was.... I really have no words.

I started thinking, where is all of this going? what happens if I get pregnant? Is it gonna be the three of us (me, the boyfriend and them) from now on? Is this the relationship I wanna be in? I knew now that DID was no excuse.

I ended the relationship. It was so f*cking hard. I loved him dearly, had to think it so hard. It was hurting me, every day, I was in pain constantly, that's not what relationships are supposed to be like, that's not what I wanted.

Yes, we did try, we both tried. But it didn't work out. It was hurtful, as any break up. His FB profile was blocked since he started flirting with other people. But everything hurt, entering groups we both belonged, going to classes where I would find him. So we took distance from each other. It hurt as well, I missed him. But it was healing.

Not seeing him with other people, not reading him, not knowing about him, let me heal.

Looking back I recognize that I lost me trying to understand DID. I would read about DID every day, I would translate articles, I would buy books, I would devour this forum.

I did good things: Read, searched for help (pro, T, and not pro, friends), found this forum, made difficult decisions.

I loved knowing him. Even if this was one of the hardest years of my life I would not trade it. I loved knowing him, living this experience with him, with them. Getting to know Gatsby, Evo, Avatar, Sahara, Madagascar, and 2 others. Understanding how beautiful he was. Getting to know this mechanism of defense. It brought things to my life that are priceless, it brought happiness, and a better understanding of the world, of ourselves, of me. I feel a deep love for everything we lived, every thing I learnt.

Afterwards, I went looking for professionals again. I had felt so miserable when he was with others, I didn't want to feel that again: I was going to work on it.

I remembered a book that was suggested to me in this forum: The Ethical Slut, and during therapy and with many excellent chapters of the book, I found out that it was normal what I had felt. That I was already starving in our relationship, starving for love, starving for time, starving for sex. That our open relationship was not consent and that I still shared many of the ideas of abundant love.

I grieved the lost of our relationship, I began slowly to go out with friends again, to reconnect with people. I had been so sad that I didn't want to go out with anyone, I was just sad. That was a mistake, isolating myself. But it was my process. I'm not sure, if I could have made it any different. But recently I felt again the joy of simple group plans, the joy of reencountering old friends.

When I was looking for answers, I tried reaching people who had had difficulties in their relationships. Was that guy with children, whose alter cheated on his wife, able to continue their relationship? Was the husband who looked for her wife, whose had had a changed of host he happy now? How he healed? Was the wife of the guy who had one alter who loved her and their children dearly, and another one who was in love with another woman, able to resolve it? How did she? How were their children?

I don't know. But I want that those who are afraid about a relationship with someone with DID know that the answer is within them. There are possibilities, awesome possibilities. Some relationships will be able to go on, some will not, as with any relationship. But even if the relationship fails healing after that is possible. It was a rough trip, but a wonderful one as well. And what's lived in the middle is indescribable.

Looking back I recognize that I lost me trying to understand DID. I would read about DID every day, I would translate articles, I would buy books, I would devour this forum.

Thank you for this post Sea. I have totally lost me too. I will never be the same again.

Seangel wrote:It's has been a rough trip. Some of you know the story. I met a guy, fell in love, told me he had DID, started dating, we tried so hard to make it work, one of his alters didn't cooperate, our relationship ended. We tried again to make it work, but we couldn't. So we took some distance from one another.

I wanna talk about the healing part after finishing, or maybe be just the healing work, the taking care of your self as Significant Other.

When he told me about his DID, I knew nothing about it. I wasn't afraid. I went straight up looking for information. I read, and read, and read. Thank God there's internet now a days. It made it a lot easier.

I told no one, it was private.

He told me when a new alter was arriving. I tried to connect with him; we did. But his actions and his answers to me hurt so badly. "You matter to Gatsby, not to me" "Me kissing other guys, shouldn't bother you, I'm not Gatsby. And if it does, it's your problem not mine". I felt humiliated, hurt, lost, hopeless, helpless.

What was this? Surely if he had no DID I knew what to do: I wouldn't be with someone who didn't care how I was feeling.

But he had DID. What was I supposed to do? When was it too much? What was allowed? Can people DID have monogamous relationships? Would Evo ever allow our relationship? Does he really not care how I feel? Who is the one who doesn't care? Was it always gonna be like this? Is the one I love going to disappear one day? Am I in love with an alter?

I went looking for help. First thing was telling friends about it. He was ok with me telling some friends and family. So I did. That was a first step towards healing. I needed support, on my own, I was drowning.

Telling them lifted a burden. Some didn't know what to do or what to say, but they were with me, they understood the peculiarity of the situation, and they were giving me love. Some friends who were psychologist gave me great help: "He will never vanished because they are all one" "You gotta see if your needs in the relationship are being met". And sites which said: "You cannot fix him, he's the one who has to do the healing" "You gotta take care of yourself, first."

I kept on going, getting to know his alters, spending awesome time with them, being hurt other times with them. Reading, reading, reading.

Gatsby trying to be with me, Evo being with other guys, ignoring me. They switching many times a day. Gatsby not making it to our dates, Evo not caring. Was I dividing them? Was I not helping? Was I damaging? I was hurting. Can I go on with this? But I love this guy, I adore him. But is it healthy for me? But, how can I leave him? Everyone in his life has. I don't want to be the same. I wanna be there for him, for them. I wanted once an open relationship, what happened? Had I failed? I was ok with him being with other people, then what was hurting so much?

I did a healing trip to a sacred place. The mountains, the drums, the Earth, my friend, who is a psychologist, help me heal a bit, and I recharged my batteries to be able to continue.

I went back, and contacted a therapist to understand more about DID, to solve my questions. I ordered books to understand more.

Evo and I connected more, but he still wouldn't give up him flirting with other guys. We were know friends, but he said that was his essence, so he wouldn't stop. He started a relationship with one of the guys.

Books described DID, I understood the cause, how it works, but nor the books, nor the therapist were giving the answers I wanted. Had I any chance of a happy relationship with him? with them?

I run into this forum. And I found answers. People with DID having relationships, some monogamous, some open, having kids, some integrated, some working in harmony within themselves.

I posted, I found answers. But I found more than that, I found a community that held me and understood what I was going through. A place where I was hold. And I needed it so badly. The therapist, although a good one, had no much answers regarding DID, friends a family gave me love, but didn't know what to advise, so people in this place was.... I really have no words.

I started thinking, where is all of this going? what happens if I get pregnant? Is it gonna be the three of us (me, the boyfriend and them) from now on? Is this the relationship I wanna be in? I knew now that DID was no excuse.

I ended the relationship. It was so f*cking hard. I loved him dearly, had to think it so hard. It was hurting me, every day, I was in pain constantly, that's not what relationships are supposed to be like, that's not what I wanted.

Yes, we did try, we both tried. But it didn't work out. It was hurtful, as any break up. His FB profile was blocked since he started flirting with other people. But everything hurt, entering groups we both belonged, going to classes where I would find him. So we took distance from each other. It hurt as well, I missed him. But it was healing.

Not seeing him with other people, not reading him, not knowing about him, let me heal.

Looking back I recognize that I lost me trying to understand DID. I would read about DID every day, I would translate articles, I would buy books, I would devour this forum.

I did good things: Read, searched for help (pro, T, and not pro, friends), found this forum, made difficult decisions.

I loved knowing him. Even if this was one of the hardest years of my life I would not trade it. I loved knowing him, living this experience with him, with them. Getting to know Gatsby, Evo, Avatar, Sahara, Madagascar, and 2 others. Understanding how beautiful he was. Getting to know this mechanism of defense. It brought things to my life that are priceless, it brought happiness, and a better understanding of the world, of ourselves, of me. I feel a deep love for everything we lived, every thing I learnt.

Afterwards, I went looking for professionals again. I had felt so miserable when he was with others, I didn't want to feel that again: I was going to work on it.

I remembered a book that was suggested to me in this forum: The Ethical Slut, and during therapy and with many excellent chapters of the book, I found out that it was normal what I had felt. That I was already starving in our relationship, starving for love, starving for time, starving for sex. That our open relationship was not consent and that I still shared many of the ideas of abundant love.

I grieved the lost of our relationship, I began slowly to go out with friends again, to reconnect with people. I had been so sad that I didn't want to go out with anyone, I was just sad. That was a mistake, isolating myself. But it was my process. I'm not sure, if I could have made it any different. But recently I felt again the joy of simple group plans, the joy of reencountering old friends.

When I was looking for answers, I tried reaching people who had had difficulties in their relationships. Was that guy with children, whose alter cheated on his wife, able to continue their relationship? Was the husband who looked for her wife, whose had had a changed of host he happy now? How he healed? Was the wife of the guy who had one alter who loved her and their children dearly, and another one who was in love with another woman, able to resolve it? How did she? How were their children?

I don't know. But I want that those who are afraid about a relationship with someone with DID know that the answer is within them. There are possibilities, awesome possibilities. Some relationships will be able to go on, some will not, as with any relationship. But even if the relationship fails healing after that is possible. It was a rough trip, but a wonderful one as well. And what's lived in the middle is indescribable.

Loving your signature Orchids.

Thank you very much for this post, and for the insight.. Not only for people dealing with lovers having DID, but also for people having DID this is a good post to read..
I had a very complicated relationship as well.. For a short time, I was together with two people, with Marvolo also being together with one of them and Yuki with the other. it was difficult, and when I and Marvolo broke the relationship with our lover -actually for other reasons though- I was relieved because it lifted stress and guilt, and because I knew I wouldn't hurt both my loves anymore... or at least, it didn't hurt the one we stayed with, and gave the one we broke up with a chance to find someone healthier for her, which she thankfully did.

I personally don't know what I would have done if Marvolo would have still wanted to stay together with her actually... To me, he is another person, and I can't make his choices for him, but we all believe that we should do what's best for the system, for all of us, or we'll only end up hurting others and ourselves..

My relationship is still made slightly more complex by me also being in a relationship with Marvolo, which Yuki doesn't like, and our SO is trying his best to fully accept, but it's manageable. Two relationships with 'physical' people, -for a lack of a better way to describe it- at once were not, despite those relationship having the consent of all...

I am glad you were able to heal, and choose what was best for you. DID is indeed not an excuse to hurt your partner(s). I feel sorry for Gatsby though.. but you're right, you should not be in a relationship that was open without your wish...

Thank you Sea. She will always be my true love.

I love your post and so happy you could find some healing. I am still searching for healing. I hope to find it soon.

Seangel wrote:Loving your signature Orchids.

Thank you Hiki for you answer. I value it dearly.

GeMerope wrote:I had a very complicated relationship as well.. For a short time, I was together with two people, with Marvolo also being together with one of them and Yuki with the other. it was difficult, and when I and Marvolo broke the relationship with our lover -actually for other reasons though- I was relieved because it lifted stress and guilt, and because I knew I wouldn't hurt both my loves anymore... or at least, it didn't hurt the one we stayed with, and gave the one we broke up with a chance to find someone healthier for her, which she thankfully did.

I imagine that's pretty close to what Evo and Gatsby must have felt. Though some alters in his system are sitll mad at Evo for his actions. Gatsby, actually told me he didn't feel anything for me any more. I'm not sure what I would have done if he had told me he still loved me. I think I wouldn't have been able to end the relationship.

Evo told me him and Gatsby had fussed together. It hurt because for me it meant that Gatsby was with Scooby (Evo's boyfriend), and that hurt. But the fact they are fussed means they are healing, and I'm happy for that. They are not longer divided, and the new them is making new decisions, or accepting the relationship they chose.

Recently Sahara mentioned that she didn't want to integrate with Evo and Gatsby for what they had done to me. But I still encourage her to think about them before me. They are more important than me, to them.

GeMerope wrote:I personally don't know what I would have done if Marvolo would have still wanted to stay together with her actually... To me, he is another person, and I can't make his choices for him, but we all believe that we should do what's best for the system, for all of us, or we'll only end up hurting others and ourselves..

I agree with you, each should do what is best for each. They, to choose what's best for them, and me, to choose what's best for me. It might hurt for a while, but it won't be an ongoing pain.

And as a friend told me: "Go out with DID guys who make whole system decisions." That's what I plan to do, if I ever meet anyone with DID again.

I'm glad you, your SO, Marvolo and Yuki are working the best way possible in your relationships, and I'm glad your SO is working on accepting it. Agreements, I like that. Discussing, and consenting, and yeah, facing and being responsible for each of our emotions.

GeMerope wrote:I am glad you were able to heal, and choose what was best for you. DID is indeed not an excuse to hurt your partner(s). I feel sorry for Gatsby though.. but you're right, you should not be in a relationship that was open without your wish...

Thank you for your words. It did broke my heart those times when I talked to him about ending our relationships. I still have some fears that he might have told me what he did for me to go away and not keep on hurting. I don't know, we never got to talk again and finish that conversation.

*many hugs to you* thanks for your reply, Sea ^^

I can't say anything whether his words were to hurt you less, or true for him, but I think that you made a good decision. Also, I just wanted to tell you that you seem to be a very strong person Others might have wanted revenge..

Fusing is indeed healing, and I'm glad they were able to make that step.. Though I must say that personally I'd never want to ^^" And our So is also fine with the way things are now and doesn't want any of us to leave or change so... Well, I finally achieved peace with them both a few months ago -actually thanks to you - and i am content with the way the system works now..

Whole-system decisions are indeed very important.. When one makes a decision fo all, it's unhealthy for all parties involved, I've certainly learnt that..

Good luck wit healing

Hi Sea,

I loved your post. I want to go back and read it again, when I have a bit more time. I think it encompasses a LOT of what many of us support people go through. The confusion, the understanding...getting confused all over again.

I also think it shows how important therapy is. And I said this to my guy: it's not about ME, the support person. I really, really want to work things out with my BF, but it's still about him. Therapy could clear up so many things for him, and let HIM be able to make decisions for himself. For the moment, the DID is driving his life. And almost any situation becomes confusing to him, which way to turn, what to do. It's hard for the supporter to see someone in pain.

I would help him on any leg of this journey that I possibly could. It's refreshing to know I'm not feeling alone in this.

And for those with DID----please know that there are caring support people out there that would gladly help and accompany you towards your healing. We are rooting for you.

Thanks for the post.

Seangel wrote:And as a friend told me: "Go out with DID guys who make whole system decisions." That's what I plan to do, if I ever meet anyone with DID again.

I like that! Trying to negotiate with and relate to each alter separately is, at best, a recipe for major relationship drama.

This is a great post! Thanks for sharing Sea!