Just Looking to Connect *TW*

I've not been diagnosed with anything, and my last T, who recently moved, told me that he doesn't put labels on his patients. In spite of that, I am genuinely curious to reach out to others with dissociative symptoms. I do not think that I have DID, as the severity of my symptoms is much lower than I think merits the label, but I could be wrong about that. I'm genuinely curious as to whether anyone else here experiences themselves the way that I do.

What is interesting about me is that a good majority of the time, I feel as though I am in a state of pseudo-integration. There are three of us together in a room: a young woman, a young man, and a child. Usually, it feels as though we are touching each other either by holding hands or literally standing overlapping, and in that state, we say the same things out loud to the world and "combine" with a buzzy sort of feeling (kind of like fusion in DBZ but not as complete). There might be internal talk, but what is projected outward in an unprovoked state is fairly uniform. When we really get into this, we pulse and meld and almost feel like one person. It's very nice.

It is, however, not complete. If a situation calls for skills that one of us is better at than the others, the other two will momentarily "let go." If one of us is disturbed, the delicate balance that we have set up is broken. Someone might say something out loud without the other two. People often comment of me, "You say the weirdest things. You talk to yourself." Sometimes, someone will leave the room and we don't know where they have gone. If they are not in the room, they are invisible within the system. This can feel very uncomfortable. Without the other two nearby or working with the third, he or she feels really incomplete and lonely. They are their own individuals, but they crave the feeling of being together, of sharing, and of "being one person" for a while.

It really feels as though I switch from being one sort of nebulous being to three individuals. Sometimes I feel more complete than other times. It really depends on how we are feeling at the time and what we are doing. If someone is too triggered to do their job, everything collapses. This happens fairly often.

I do, however, lose time sometimes. In an extreme circumstance, I wrote an entire draft of my Master's thesis while gone, but none of us has any memory of writing it. This makes us wonder if there might be others outside of the room.

$#%^'s complicated.

Has a ring if DID with a good amount of Co - consciousness. I hope you get your answers especially if it's causing you distress.

forever21 wrote:Has a ring if DID with a good amount of Co - consciousness. I hope you get your answers especially if it's causing you distress.

This term "co-consciousness" is new for me but it definitely fits. These three share experiences and memories and rarely leave each others' sides. I won't say that everyone really likes each other completely, but we need each other, and we try to make the best of things. There's a lot of joking around and affection in here during times of peace.

It does sometimes cause distress, but in spite of that, we've somehow managed to earn two degrees, so our tolerance is better than some. It definitely affects the level of work that I can put out and my decisiveness about what to do in different situations, though. Sometimes it takes hours to get started with a challenging task because someone isn't willing to take the trigger risk. I can get a bit impatient with myself sometimes.

Hi Friend, I'm so very glad you reached out. I can't help but feel like your former therapist did you an extreme disservice by not "Labeling" you. I understand what he's getting at but I struggle with that from the point of view that: 1.Diagnosis can be helpful. How can you fix a problem if you don't even know what it is? 2. Perhaps it was beyond the scope of that therapist understanding/ and or training to offer up such a controversial diagnosis. Because despite what the DSM IV and 5 say, there are those out there yes, sadly even clinicians that do not even believe in it's existence. Damn their ignorance.
I think you definitely need to go searching for a new therapist to help you navigate these foreign waters.
A great resource I've found is through the ISSTD.org website. Which stands for the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. As I truly believe there is some kind of dissociating going on. They will help match you with a therapist in your area with experience in the field of dissociation, that works with your insurance and ultimately is qualified to treat you. Good luck my friend!!! And don't forget, You most certainly are not alone.

Emily Thomas wrote:Hi Friend, I'm so very glad you reached out. I can't help but feel like your former therapist did you an extreme disservice by not "Labeling" you. I understand what he's getting at but I struggle with that from the point of view that: 1.Diagnosis can be helpful. How can you fix a problem if you don't even know what it is? 2. Perhaps it was beyond the scope of that therapist understanding/ and or training to offer up such a controversial diagnosis. Because despite what the DSM IV and 5 say, there are those out there yes, sadly even clinicians that do not even believe in it's existence. Damn their ignorance.
I think you definitely need to go searching for a new therapist to help you navigate these foreign waters.
A great resource I've found is through the ISSTD.org website. Which stands for the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. As I truly believe there is some kind of dissociating going on. They will help match you with a therapist in your area with experience in the field of dissociation, that works with your insurance and ultimately is qualified to treat you. Good luck my friend!!! And don't forget, You most certainly are not alone.

He meant well. He was one of the best advocates that we've ever had. Unfortunately, we were only able to see him last September through April. He helped a lot. One of the most positive things that we did with him was to let the child draw pictures of things that had happened to her. Then we went through them together, and he was very polite and supportive. He made a point to always ask what we were feeling and experiencing from moment to moment. He's a good man, very caring and genuine, but no one is perfect.

He was a college counselor, and I am seeing someone else on the staff now, an individual who has 30 years more experience but who gels with me much less well. Within the next month, I plan to see someone at the clinic who will direct me to local therapists that meet my budget and specialize in dissociative issues.