New here. Not sure where I belong

My name is KK. I'm not sure where I belong. I'm confused.

I'm trying to piece my life together from what people tell me and from what I've found in journals I've kept along the way. I was doing OK for 9 mos. That's how long since my last hospitalization. Then I found a journal from 2011/2012 that had a really triggering story in it. It didn't bring back whole memory, just like a couple snap shots that make it seem real. They usually put me on ED units in the hospital because when I get really depressed I stop eating, but they mostly treat me for depression. *Trigger Warning[*] I get really suicidal and last time I had to go in for an attempt. [*]End Trigger Warning. I've had a lot of ECT which is part of the reason I can't remember things. They always say ECT gives short term memory loss, but it comes back. Mine never comes back. I've lost years, forgotten where I lived, forgotten how old I am, forgotten all kinds of special memories with my kids. I was in and out of the hospital a lot when younger, then I was fine for ten years. That's when I adopted my kids. Then the triggering thing happened that was in my journal (I guess that was the start of this) and I've been in and out of hospitals for the last four or five years. That's my best guess anyway, based on journals, my employment records and what my kids and friends tell me. I have a journal from 2012 when I was on a trauma unit and learned all kinds of techniques like containment and dialing down. I don't remember any of that now, just that I've seen it in my journal.

A few years ago my dx was DDNOS. I don't know what it is now. I am seeing a therapist I like, but am in the process of changing to a new one because my old one is moving. Difficult time and suddenly I stumble on that journal and I'm a wreck again. There's a part named Christian, but we usually just call him the rule maker. He makes rules meant to guard the inside, but often is [*]trigger warning[*]destructive to the outside, like that we can't eat, can't drink, can't talk, or must do other things to harm to the body. [*]end trigger warning[*] When he's out everyone focuses on stopping him and the inside is forgotten. There's not many of us that I know of. Just me, him and the little girl. The little girl has a name, but I can't say it. it's the name we all used to have, but I can't stand to hear it. I only let my parents use it, because they gave it to me.

I have shared some of this with my therapists and they seem to take me seriously, if only because they think I might allow the rule maker to cause physical harm. They keep asking me if I need to go back in the hosp, but I say no. That is not a possibility. Most hospitals just make me shut down and go inside and hide. Too many loud noises and people. My new T wants me to let her talk to little girl but I won't. I hate her. I just want to bury her deeper and deeper. Little girl has "memories" that aren't real. I know when we were little she would lie in bed and make up horrible things in her imagination. She would do it night after night. I don't want her to "remember" those things and have my T think they're real. She is also really weak. She just cries and tries to curl in. She jumps at every sound. I do too, if she's too close to the surface and I was starting to do that last time I talked with my T. That scares me. What if I lose control and she comes out?

I don't know what I'm asking for here, except maybe that someone else might understand. I feel lost in this world. Like the only one like me. Am I really messed up that bad? I still don't know if I'm in the right place. Maybe someone can direct me. It's such hard work trying to pretend I'm fine for my kids, my coworkers, my family,... myself.

Thanks for reading my wordy post. I'm sorry it's so long. Just that I can't share this stuff with anyone else and I just want to get it out and maybe for someone in the world to understand. I hope I did the Trigger Warning thing right. I tried.

KK

Hello and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time, I believe that there are quite a few here that will be able to relate to your experiences. Have you tried talking with them? Maybe you could try to work some things out with them, set some limits to protect yourself and them?

You did the trigger warning thing pretty well

GKOKD wrote: I feel lost in this world. Like the only one like me.

You not alone there Alot of us over here feel like that, I think you've found a good place, if you have any questions, or even just need a place with people to talk to we're here for you ..

Thanks, Partial.

I appreciate the welcome. It means a lot.

I don't know about talking to the others, though. I pretty much only talk to him when he's getting too destructive and my T is talking about hospitalization. I hate hospitals so I try to negotiate, but he's usually not too open to that. And the little girl... I just hate her and want her to disappear, so I don't want to talk to her and risk her coming closer to the surface.

I don't know. Thankfully I see one of my T's tomorrow. This is the one that's leaving, but the new one is off all week so she wanted me to see my old one while she's gone. I have to go twice a week now, until Christian is more under control.

Sometimes I just want to cry, like now. I've just made it through another day and I can't even appreciate the night for fear of the nightmares and the new day that will be here when I wake up.

Thanks for being here for me to talk to.

KK

-- Mon Jun 16, 2014 7:40 pm --

Thanks, Partial.

I appreciate the welcome. It means a lot.

I don't know about talking to the others, though. I pretty much only talk to him when he's getting too destructive and my T is talking about hospitalization. I hate hospitals so I try to negotiate, but he's usually not too open to that. And the little girl... I just hate her and want her to disappear, so I don't want to talk to her and risk her coming closer to the surface.

I don't know. Thankfully I see one of my T's tomorrow. This is the one that's leaving, but the new one is off all week so she wanted me to see my old one while she's gone. I have to go twice a week now, until Christian is more under control.

Sometimes I just want to cry, like now. I've just made it through another day and I can't even appreciate the night for fear of the nightmares and the new day that will be here when I wake up.

Thanks for being here for me to talk to.

KK

Hello KK,
I just joined myself, so we can both be new together. It to me does sound like you are in the right place and in good warm company. I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself by seeing a T. What are your medications like though? Because I know that for me they play a pivotal part in my program. They can really assist in lessening the symptoms to help you cope on a daily basis a bit easier. My best friend is diagnosis ed DDNOS, and I have DID. So I do think that I can kind of relate where you are coming from.
As far as that younger part of you that you spoke of: be patient with her. I know you are afraid of her coming out and what she might say as well as what she might know. That is very scary, I agree. I have learned to approach alters like that in therapy sessions only, for fear of the unknown. Don't try to navigate that on your own that's what the T is there for. I would stop going back to read old journals because they can be very triggering and you may not yet know how to handle the potential for switching just yet.I'm glad you reached out to this forum please keep in touch.

Hi KK,

Welcome to the forum.

I agree with Emily. Try to be patient with the little girl. She is there for a reason and I am sorry you hate her. She is a part of you. Think about letting her out to talk with the therapist. I bet she holds alot of information and knowledge that could possibly contribute to a plan of healing for you. She is little and is hurting and is lonely. Think about it?

Orchids

I'm sorry, Emily and Orchids,

I just wrote a long response to you. Then my finger hit some button and deleted it all. I'm crying now so I can't retype it all. Thanks for responding, though. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. I think we need to go to sleep now. I see my T tomorrow. I hope we can get through it. This is the new T. Last time we saw the old one and the little girl ended up walking out and going out to the car to curl up in a ball. It's getting really bad now. A friend told me today that she was worried about me because of how much weight I've lost. We haven't eaten in a long time so I guess it's getting visible. I don't want my T to notice though, because we can't stand another hosp. It only makes things worse for all of us. I just don't know the way out. I don't want it to be hopeless, but that's how it feels right now.

goodnight,

KK

I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself by seeing a T. What are your medications like though? Because I know that for me they play a pivotal part in my program. They can really assist in lessening the symptoms to help you cope on a daily basis a bit easier.

I think I'm on a good mix of meds now. Mostly antidepressants, some to help me sleep at night and some to give me some energy during the day.I was on adivan for anxiety a few months ago, but the Tdoc dc'ed it because I was doing so much better.

As far as that younger part of you that you spoke of: be patient with her. I know you are afraid of her coming out and what she might say as well as what she might know. That is very scary, I agree. I have learned to approach alters like that in therapy sessions only, for fear of the unknown. Don't try to navigate that on your own that's what the T is there for.

I agree with Emily. Try to be patient with the little girl. She is there for a reason and I am sorry you hate her. She is a part of you. Think about letting her out to talk with the therapist. I bet she holds alot of information and knowledge that could possibly contribute to a plan of healing for you. She is little and is hurting and is lonely. Think about it?


The subject of this part is very difficult for me to navigate right now. I can't even say her name out loud without being repulsed. I can't remember ever having such strong negative feelings about anyone before, except maybe myself when I'm in a deep depression. The feelings seem to be coming from every direction and there's so much confusing noise in my head. I don't know how to sort it all out. I saw my new T yesterday and I couldn't stand the movement and the chaos inside. I ended up crying and telling my T that she just couldn't understand. She was real patient and calm and said we'd work through it together, but that scares me too. I feel like the stuff inside and the people inside are too dangerous to let out. I just don't know how to deal with any of this.

I did show my T the poetry book we wrote a few years ago when we were on the trauma unit and she wants me to bring it back the next time and also bring my journal from the trauma unit. I don't know about that. I wrote down the little one's name in there and I don't want anyone to use it. I don't even want to see it. Oh, this is all so difficult and I feel so weak. At this point I don't even know how to make it until next week... and at the same time I dread that next week will come. I'm so messed up inside! I can't even make sense of myself, much less deal with these other dangerous parts.

I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time finding hope right now. But thank you for responding to me. I wish I were more receptive.

KK