Friendly entity inside my head

Hello there

A little introduction about myself: I'm a narcissist with most of schizoid traits. I don't like people because they are not loyal, they lie, they don't want to reason by logic, they act stupidly on emotions, so I stay alone most of the time alone in my room, minding my own business and enjoying the few activities I "like" in life. I do not tolerate when someone lacks respect towards me or wrongs me in some way simply because I pay a lot of attention to respect others and to not interfere with them. Since others don't fit my standards, I feel like they should be "punished" and I always have to "get even" with that person.

Normally I'm a calm, peaceful and very polite person, always diplomatic and never letting out any emotion (mostly anger/frustration). I try to avoid any kind of fight and, since I know of my condition, I try to refrain myself from doing anything to anyone and to let things pass.

HOWEVER, there is "someone" in my head suggesting me how to act and how to "get even" with those people. It's a somewhat friendly entity, often offering to take my place for some time in order to "set things". I actually feel it's "me", rather than someone else. Like I was split in two personalities, one calm and peaceful and one full of anger. When I close my eyes, I can see a distorted image of what "he" looks like and it's like a purple/black mask with a cracked smile. I tried to draw it with paint:


I don't fear him, "he" actually works for the "best for us" and it makes me feel good when I act on "his" suggestions. I'm an accomplice of myself, I suppose . He only pops out when I "need" him, otherwise he's silent. When "he takes my place", it's not like I can't control myself anymore, because I'm the one who's letting him do what he's doing. I just observe my/his thoughts and my/his actions and approve.

But now, is this simply me talking to myself, or am I starting to dissociate or have delusions? Before I could just reason and think things out, now I actually have dialogues with myself and can go as far as to visualize my interlocutor (I can see him in my head, like, specifically in my brain, not outside in the physical world), yet it's not some different person like in some cases I've read about on here, I'm sure it's always me. A part of me that is trying to "protect" me. Or so I think... I don't know how much healthy this is

That sounds like an alter to me. Just as you already suspect, since you are asking about it here in the DID Forum.

If the situation worries you, if you are having severe problems as a result, then a consultation with a clinical psychologist might be a good idea. By consultation I mean just one or two sessions for a brief evaluation and reassurance. You could also get a formal evaluation of any dissociative symptoms. The first step would be to complete the Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES) and print it out to take with you to the psychologist.

We have a thread here about the DES.

Scored 45 in that DES test (when above 30 it was considered highly associated to DID), yet I could justify most of the questions with ADD, which I probably also have developed due to my not caring about anything in general. If I said "oh well, I'm just distracted", that would answer most of those questions.

Still, how do you distinguish an alter from your own self? From what I could see in this forum, many of you got very different personas inside you: different gender, age, orientation... I feel that mine is just the angry part of me more than another unknown individual. It's just that it started talking... or maybe I just want to force myself to imagine he's talking, like a self support.

What would the likelyhood be?

Also, I saw in this forum that many of you got very different personas inside you, like different gender, age, origin, orientation and so on. In my case I just feel like it's always me, just the angry side of me. It's just that this thing is a bit new to me and I wanted more material to study on. At first I investigated ADD or delusional disorders, but then I found DID and got curious. Just wondering how much is the likelyhood that my case fits one category more than another and if it's that unhealthy.

Seeing someone is for the moment out of discussion. I'm a student, I'm on a low budget and I don't think it would remain much of a secret before some familiar got to know about my "visits", and I don't want anyone to know. I prefer to search for myself for the moment and ask people who got experience with alters and see if we have something n common.

Also, I remember actually posting this post but when I checked later, I couldn't find my reply. Is some mod trying to mess with my head ?