T consulting with a colleague

Just an update:

Talked to T again. Having a very hard time as T is going away for almost 2 months. Don't know if we can do it! It hurts really bad. It is really hard. We had a talk with her. Not sure she understands what is going on. Says she wants to talk to "me" today and does not want to start talking about the other "parts" until she gets back. All the while it feels like they are trying to push their way out. T says she wants to make sure things don't move to fast. Something she said is that she knew about these "parts" since the beginning of seeing us, and was waiting for "me" to tell her. The thing is in the beginning I don't think I knew about them. But reading through old old emails to her, there is clearly stuff written in them that were maybe about them??!! Just so confused and really freaking out. The 12 yr old that T was able to see, T said that 12 yr old "part" broke off from me because something bad happened. But don't remember anything bad happening. What is the difference between a "part" and an "alter"? Or fragment? If it is broke off from this person, does that mean it is completely separate or still connected? It is kind of driving me crazy not knowing if these are full personalities or just different "me's". Everything is confusing. Anybody out there that can give their opinion on this experience?

T also went into the toy room this last session and got a big bear and layed it on us like it was giving us a big bear hug. we talked about how some of us want T to be able to hug us during session, but T said she had to keep "me" safe, and that we could sit in a chair next to her but that the bear could hug us and make us feel safe. T said she only wanted keep us safe and that is her #1 priority. Thank you for reading. May write more later, as everything feels scattered all over the place and cant get all the questions "i" have out at the moment.

fracturedangel wrote:Anybody out there that can give their opinion on this experience?

Yup. This all sounds very normal for where you are now: you are facing a new diagnosis of DID. Of course you are anxious and confused and you have a lot of questions.

The one thing you need right now, and this is urgent, is a name and phone number of a T you can call in a crisis anytime in the next 2 months while this T is away, if this T will not be available by phone then. This is a really big deal, the "lid has come off", and you really need that extra support right now. This DID Forum is here 24/7 and you can get some help from us, but you probably need a T you can talk to who can help you more directly with any issues and personal details that are not suitable for sharing with us here.

I think your T is wise not to give hugs. Although some of you want hugs, others do not and those others also need to feel safe. Do you have someone in your life who is available for safe hugs?

Una+ wrote:

fracturedangel wrote:Anybody out there that can give their opinion on this experience?

Yup. This all sounds very normal for where you are now: you are facing a new diagnosis of DID. Of course you are anxious and confused and you have a lot of questions.

The one thing you need right now, and this is urgent, is a name and phone number of a T you can call in a crisis anytime in the next 2 months while this T is away, if this T will not be available by phone then. This is a really big deal, the "lid has come off", and you really need that extra support right now. This DID Forum is here 24/7 and you can get some help from us, but you probably need a T you can talk to who can help you more directly with any issues and personal details that are not suitable for sharing with us here.

I think your T is wise not to give hugs. Although some of you want hugs, others do not and those others also need to feel safe. Do you have someone in your life who is available for safe hugs?

T did set up things where I could call another T if needed. But this T does not know about my problems. Feel like everything, and I mean everything is falling apart. We have prepared for this for 3 months, but it seems like it is just now all coming out. Actually, I think these "parts" became more prominent when we heard she had to go away for personal reasons. Like they wanted to show her they were there? Does that happen? Because before that I don't think I even really knew they were really there. I mean I had the voices that I heard, but thought they were just thoughts from "me" and was me talking to me kind of thing? We see her one more time before she leaves. And just want to go there and take everything back, just tell her none of this is real and there is nothing here. I feel like nothing. Feel like if these parts were not here, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. Wanting to run away so bad. Want to not even show up for the last session. Sorry, I just need to be stronger right? I do not allow anybody to hug me.....not even my fiance. T does hug me out in the waiting room, but only if I ask for a hug. Thank you Una+.

Yes that happens. And they're right; it was either show up now, or wait months. You have a little time before your T leaves. How about you call this other T today, and talk about the vacation cover arrangement. Your T is leaving it to you to decide how much you want to disclose to this other T. You are entitled to disclose as much or as little as you want, and you also are entitled to have your T share information with this other T, or not. You just have to ask.

It's kind of a shocker isn't it? You are so vulnerable and finally risk disclosing your terrible deep dark secret, only to hear the other person respond "Oh, I know that. I have known that ever since ____." Gaak! Aak!!! That has happened to me, from both sides in fact, so you have my sympathies. You know what? Telling the first time is by far the hardest; it gets easier, much easier.

You are strong. You are going to be just fine.

**Update** and Just writing-



Well here I am. Been kind of a rough couple weeks. T is gone for awhile, and some parts of me are missing her in the worse way possible, while others are wanting to run away far away and never return. Sometimes, most of the time, I don't feel like "I" am real. I know I have to be real because I am typing this, I am having thoughts, I go to work, I function......but I feel like I died a long time ago. I do not feel real, do not feel like this body should be mine. Feel like these other parts of me are all that is showing the world I am still here. These different things in here are all that is left of this person. Don't know how to explain it. Very very confused. On top of everything else, "I" wrote therapist an email before she left, that was not very nice to "me". Denying everything, calling me a lier, calling me stupid, all kinds of things, and being totally rude to T telling her "I" didn't really care about her and that it was all fake.......but I don't remember the whole thing.......just like the very beginning. Feel really bad about it.....really bad!!!! I am not rude to T, never have been in the whole time seeing her. Hoping it did not hurt her. Don't want to hurt her. But she did say _______ would not disrespect me like this. And that it would be helpful to figure out who is writing the different emails. Just freaking out. Don't want to lose her, and if she comes back and says she does not want to see me anymore then I will know why. Just cant bare the thought of losing her. Is that normal? Never have we felt so close to someone our entire lives. But then why the horrid email? So confused and just hurting I guess. Just really want to run away. Miss T too much and it hurts too much.