*TRIGGER WARNING* How to fade away?

So... I'm the host of my system (or I think I am I don't know anymore everything is so blurry and I don't even know who I am and I'm so lost and i just don't know).

For a long time I've been very suicidal, but because my parents don't believe their "perfect daughter" can have a mental illness I can't get help (just like every other mental illness I've ever had). I just really really want to leave this place, but I know I don't have the right to kill everyone in the system just so I can be happy.

So... is there a way I can just fade away and let someone else take over or is there a way for me to kill myself without killing the others?

Please respond soon! Thanks!

~Dani (I think)

Hi Dani,

I don't know how to fade away. But I can read you.

Do you wanna talk about why you're feeling like that?

Sea

I think that the more you'll fade away, the more sad and confused you'll become. I think the point might be to get stronger instead, so you'll feel more in control, more like you, and you'll be better able to handle your system. Living with ur parents is hard especially if they don't understand and invalidate you like this, I hope you'll be able to move out?
Anyway when the going gets too tough I'm sure there's someone waiting to take the reigns. It's just in my experience the alters wait with taking over until after you've had too much, not until it's getting tough, but until after it got too tough. But I think if that would happen it would only be more difficult after the reason for him/her to take over has gone. Besides maybe they wouldn't give it back and then you could lose years of your life.
It's sad to have to make it clear to your parents that you're not perfect. We've been through this too and I'm sure we've disappointed them in more ways than I know about. But it's their problem once you're able to take care of yourself. Now it's your problem, only because you can't get help because of their views but once you're independent of them it isn't. Sure we have to go through accepting that we're not perfect, accepting our losses and limits for ourselves too, but those are 2 different things.
If you're still in school?, maybe there's a way to get help via school and they wouldn't necessarily have to know about it? You could also try to talk to your general doctor and see what they can do for you.

TheCollective wrote:I think that the more you'll fade away, the more sad and confused you'll become. I think the point might be to get stronger instead, so you'll feel more in control, more like you, and you'll be better able to handle your system. Living with ur parents is hard especially if they don't understand and invalidate you like this, I hope you'll be able to move out?
Anyway when the going gets too tough I'm sure there's someone waiting to take the reigns. It's just in my experience the alters wait with taking over until after you've had too much, not until it's getting tough, but until after it got too tough. But I think if that would happen it would only be more difficult after the reason for him/her to take over has gone. Besides maybe they wouldn't give it back and then you could lose years of your life.
It's sad to have to make it clear to your parents that you're not perfect. We've been through this too and I'm sure we've disappointed them in more ways than I know about. But it's their problem once you're able to take care of yourself. Now it's your problem, only because you can't get help because of their views but once you're independent of them it isn't. Sure we have to go through accepting that we're not perfect, accepting our losses and limits for ourselves too, but those are 2 different things.
If you're still in school?, maybe there's a way to get help via school and they wouldn't necessarily have to know about it? You could also try to talk to your general doctor and see what they can do for you.

Sadly, I can't move out until after I graduate high school and maybe not until after collage. But I am better now (I think) I'm still doubting my existence every now and then, but I've found someone who grounds me a bit. She keeps me sane and this weekend we are having a sleepover and I'm going to introduce her formally to my alters. (She knows about all my disorders except DID, but so far she has been very supporting and understanding.) Also Nielle has kind of kicked my a** and got me back into shape. Nielle would be host if I ever couldn't be (and she takes over for me the most), but she really doesn't want to be host (she finds daily routines repetitive, boring, and stupid), so she has gotten me back to almost normal and helped show me that I am in fact important and that the system needs me to function normally. So a big thanks to her even if she is rude and mean about it, it gets the job done, and sometimes I need a good kick to get my sh*t together. Anyways what I'm trying to say is thanks for the advice and I read it back when you first gave it I just haven't been able to respond and the others didn't want to do it for me. So thank you so much and I'm looking into seeing a counselor at school if I ever reach that low point again.