Acceptance

Seangel wrote:I still don't see how watching his wall is acceptance. I know he's not with me, and that he's with someone else. I think I accept it. I assent it, I don't try to change it any more. Like Im-pure wrote, watching his wall hurts me, and it's like not letting the wound heal.

I did not exactly mean that you would need to see the wall. I think. I reacted to the part "it has no benefit whatsoever..." because it is not possible to know what has benefit and what has not. It was probably outside the discussion.

Maybe you don't need to see the concrete proof like the FB wall, but just learn to live with the possibility and do not worry. If you transform that example it something a bit more serious. He invites you to meet his new girlfriend. In that situation it would be ok to react "no way...no benefit whatsoever", but you wouldn't need to deny what happened. If you decided to believe a different version. Something like "No, it was a dream..No, I won't see and find out if it was a dream or not...no benefit whatsoever". Then you may keep wondering if it really happened or not, which makes you worry for something unknown simply because you refuse to find out what happened.

Hmm, I did not have the best view of what 'acceptance' is. Maybe it's just enough to stop worrying about things. Maybe that makes you accept them.

Hi ChristaAngel,

ChristaAngel wrote:I did not exactly mean that you would need to see the wall. I think. I reacted to the part "it has no benefit whatsoever..." because it is not possible to know what has benefit and what has not. It was probably outside the discussion.

I think I got what you meant, and I do appreciate it. I appreciate the time you took when you answered first, and I certainly appreciate it now. It's true there are some hidden benefits, that I just don't know that could happened.

That's how I met on of my dearest friends. He was the boyfriend of a guy I liked. And I didn't want to meet him. But once I met him... WOW! He and I are now inseparable.

I think I do accept the reality, I gotta work on the fears from that reality I've accepted. For instance, the other day I was so afraid of seeing him with his boyfriend. But now, I know it's a possibility, so I've even working on what to do when I face them, and to accept the feelings I may have, when that happens.

Thank you for caring, and for replying. I truly value what you've written. I wanted to talk about this topic, because I've found it hard. Because, many times I've believed I've accepted things, when later I realized I have not, because facing something hurtful it's of the most difficult things I've done.

Thanks again.

Sea

Acceptance can be so hard to do. I feel your pain. I am going through it every day of my life.

I am so sorry for your pain Sea and yours too Patience. It hurts so much, I know. How do we go on? How do we deal with it on a daily basis? I wish I had all the answers, I really do.

Safe hugs!

Orchids!!!

Thank you for words. I'm doing so much better. Time is a great ally. Time and distance.

Sea

Seangel wrote:Does acceptance mean allowing myself to feel uncomfortable? Does acceptance mean facing my fear of seeing him with someone else?

Yes, acceptance does mean allowing yourself to feel what you feel, without judging yourself. On the other hand, acceptance does not mean rubbing your face in what hurts. It does not mean making yourself feel uncomfortable.

For me, with respect to Facebook, acceptance has included allowing myself the freedom to block the profile of anyone who tries to hurt me, anyone who treats me badly, anyone who posts content that turns my stomach.

You are not ready yet to have your ex in your FB feed. Forcing yourself to look despite your intense discomfort is a kind of self-abuse. So long as it still hurts to see his photos or read his status updates or whatever, you are not ready. The goal is to work on yourself until you are ready, at which point you may find you have no interest whatsoever in him or his doings.

Thank you Una for your words. You have a capacity to state so clearly and concrete ideas and concepts that sometimes I find difficult explaining.

I've looked carefully at how I feel. Allowing vs. Making. Key words. I know a part of me is sad, but I also know I'm feeling better. Yes, I've allowed the sadness, the anger, the grieving, the lost. But I also know I'm not in a hurtful situation, I removed my self from it, and yes, I'm not ready to see his photos and read his status.

I wanna take care of myself. I'm doing good, and forcing me would be as you say: self abuse.

I know this discomfort in seeing him with someone else, will pass. And I'm working on myself for achieving that. In the mean time, I'll allow myself the freedom to not see his wall.

Thank you Una, thank you for your words, for your wisdom, thank you to all of you.

Sea