What did I do wrong?

Hi everybody, as some of you might remember I've been a long time girlfriend of a man who has DID who had what I believe was a major switch and left. I am having difficulties still understanding what happened, or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I must have done something awful or that he must have gotten really bored with me. We had a very good and respectful relationship and didn't even argue. I was patient and understanding with his switches and fluctuations. I truly believe we could have worked anything out.

He is not in therapy so I understand how unstable this can be. I knowI couldn't have fixed him, but I had believed he had at least found the comfort and safety he deserved, and seeing how this happened so suddenly, though it may have been brewing on the inside, it remains difficult to understand for me.

I know that this is a man in constant turmoil, but who seems pretty stable and well on the outside. That's confusing to us support people because we are not seeing what we know to be true.

I think....it doesnt really matter why he left. Its hard to get closure when a relationship ends in such way, because there isnt any. But, you may have to find that closure within yourself at a certain moment, even if its confusing. If he didnt feel like he can share his life and issues with you, that was his choice - DID or not.

I think he shared with me what he could and the rest he couldn't understand himself either. He tends to run when the emotions get to be too much. But you are right that it was his decision and I've tried to be respectful of that. Different ones have been contacting me. That can be confusing, too.

Truth is, I don t think you did something wrong.

You say yourself his emotions tend to lead him to act this way - his emotions - his situation.

What do you mean by being contacted? Alters contacting you?

Much strengt in this confusing situation

Yes different alters contact me. I'm always very happy to hear from them and of course their attitudes vary according to who is out front.

I think for some support people, at least me, it's hard to see that it's a different alter when a few of them act the same. It get s confusing when it's someone who loved you so much but they are acting quite numb or indifferent to you. That tends to be very confusing. For that I hope you guys can be patient with us singletons. I know I can be quite thick headed about it sometimes until I get a chance to think about it and process it.

dearest patience, you recently replied on my post and i can totally relate to your situation, being a support for someone with DID has been the most challenging task of my life, the sudden shutdown and running away and being numb, the confusion, it just leaves you puzzled because you believed you had so much love and trust and that they really did open upto you. Everyone else talks to me as if I am unable to move on and not see the real picture but it hurts to much and sadly no one understands nor does the alter that has being switched on realise how much pain they are putting us through.

I am a body incased with an aching heart and a soul that is tormented each second of each minute of each day, i wish i can say something to ease your pain but all i can tell you that it wasnt your fault because it is them that cant find the balance, they tend to want to please everyone around them especially the ones who they seek their approval which is usually the ones who have hurt them most in life.

Thank you, Moecheri, yes...you've described it perfectly. No one can understand this unless they've been through it specifically. And of course, no one in my life knows about what's really going on, I would never betray BF's confidence...especially since a good part of the time he doesn't even know himself. He's tried to set up therapy but I think another alter sabotages it.

And you're also right, he tries to please everyone in his life! (and for the record, it was SO easy to please me, he is such a delightful person). And regarding the ones that have hurt him, there will never come a day when he'll please them, but he can't see that. It only makes him feel guilty.

Thank you for understanding and letting me know that I'm not alone; I am sorry for your pain as well.

yes yes yes, you just hit the nail on its head, they make him feel guilty!!! I went through that to a great depth and that is how I lost my fiancé, they made him feel guilty that he was finally happy and being the best version of himself, although I was aware of his DID, I accepted him and was willing to help him because I loved him and as you said, he was a delightful person, cared for me as if I was looking after myself, yet sadly, one of his alters was still in his early years and wanted to go clubbing and cheating on me with overseas bar girls, when I found out I was unaware of his DID and it all hit me too sudden that I dealt with the situation as if he was a singleton and knew exactly what he was doing. this is where his family didn't help, they know his situation yet his brother was so selfish that he wanted him to go back to the bar girls and forget about me and sadly he did.

I know I have lost my best friend and day by day I am feeling that there is nothing I can do to get him to see what is really happening, I just feel sad that I know he needs help and I want to help him if that just means getting him to therapy but I have no hope of doing that, do I really love him if I remain silent and let him suffer??

I love how you put our hurt in words. Thank you!

Orchids



"I am a body incased with an aching heart and a soul that is tormented each second of each minute of each day, i wish i can say something to ease your pain but all i can tell you that it wasnt your fault because it is them that cant find the balance, they tend to want to please everyone around them especially the ones who they seek their approval which is usually the ones who have hurt them most in life.[/quote]"

Patience wrote:And of course, no one in my life knows about what's really going on, I would never betray BF's confidence...especially since a good part of the time he doesn't even know himself.

Of course? Hold on. Have you really thought this through? Is keeping secrets, covering up, the best choice for him or for you? Or is keeping this a secret actually serving to enable and reinforce and perpetuate his dysfunction? Is having DID shameful?