Advise for communicating with a Schizoid alter?

We have been lucky as far as sexual orientations go: Cedar, niva, and I were/are all lesbians.

Sonja isn't sure; she's still figuring out who she is in that light and doesn't know what gender the 'other' person should be; she just knows she wants to love/be loved by somebody. She really likes J, but is not quite at the age where she is ready for sex, more like… discovering herself and what she wants I guess.

(Sonja)

Aiden is not interested in sex, and Jane is too young and too depressed to have a sex drive (it triggers her); ninchen was also too young/triggered.

I am the one who fronts 95% of the time I think, though the others are usually very close; I am almost never alone. I think that as long as we work as a team it'll be OK (i.e. we accept and respect each other; I take care of Jane because nobody else has the patience/compassion/understanding/whatever; etc).

Hi Jane,

I heard you. You don't want J to die. I get it. It really sucks and it's hard to even think about sometimes. You're brave to even write it. J is so lucky she has someone like you who cares about what happens to her. That's so important! It's like a really neat gift that's special from you to her.

Stay brave when it hurts.

Iain

Sonja - Thanks for the yellow words.

Hi lain,

Thank you so much for your words. Jane and I were truly touched when we read them; I try to comfort Jane all the time, but end up saying the same things, so I think they lose their meaning. I think it's really good for Jane to hear such compassionate words from somebody other than me, since she only talks to me (and our T a few times, which was SO good for her, in the long run). When she read what you wrote she was so stunned and confused for the time before she 'left' (from my awareness; then sonja fronted, then Aiden…); she wanted to write back but was too overwhelmed and couldn't find her words...

Sonja says Hi

Hey N,

I actually wanted to comment on your post, but wasn't sure 'coz I don't think Aiden mind that much what others think. Any how...

I wanted to tell you that when I read the conversation you had with him reminded me to the conversations I've had with myself (I don't have DID). Before entering the relationship with the guy I was seeing it went something like this (He has DID):

"He might disappear one day, and you may never see him again"
"No he wont disappear, I'll see another side of him"
"He may have another relationship or fall in love with someone else"
"I'll deal with it when that happens, plus it could be the same way DID or not"
"You're gonna hurt when that happens, you've been there before"
"But I'm in love, I wanna give it a try, I don't wanna run away afraid without at least trying"

I actually like a lot Aiden's posts. The first one I read of him was Pondering (Aiden)

I like his questions, I like how he was taking care of all you guys, I like how he worries about you all. I like how he strives to make his best contribution (like with the healthy diet). I like his rationality, the way he points out facts, and says them directly. I like the things that fascinate him about the brain.

I also like seeing you all working as a team, each with your own characteristics. You grounded, in love, understanding the situation, making the best out of it, Jane sad, worrying and needing support, Sonja bubbly, smily, and Aiden rational thinking about the things that the rest might not. (That's just my perception)

niva wrote:I guess there is this idea that all of us should love her as much as I do! Or even that J should love us all. But we are all so different…

I've believed the same thing you know? I actually wished it. I wish all alters in my guy would love me as I loved them. But you're right we are different, and each of you contributes with an important point of view.

Aiden is right, being in love with J is insane. But that's love, love is kind of insane, and feeling it is so awesome even if that eternity only lasts a second. Plus, I'd add that we are all dying (that's something that Aiden might agree on) we just assume we have a lot of time.

I'd also like to give a word to Jane.

Jane, you're so brave for allowing yourself to feel love, even though it scares you. I think it's even braver when someone does something that scares them 'coz it takes much more will to do it. I'd also like to tell you that it's ok to be terrified of someone you love dying. I do too. It does terrify me to think I might not get to see that person I love every day, or feel them. It's completely normal to not wanting to "loose" someone that makes you feel so right. But death is just another step in our lives. And the love you feel for someone will remain, and always be with you. So, yeah, you might feel sad, and that's ok, and normal too. But you'll have experienced love, and that experience will be yours for ever.

Finally, I'd like to say that I don't think that Sonja happiness is inappropriate. As a matter of fact, in difficult times, a good laugh and happiness can make the situation so much easier to face. So I cherish her happiness.

N, you are all so strong, and caring and loving with J, she is so lucky to have you all.

I realized I haven't said anything about communicating better with Aiden, which was actually your question. So, I'd say: Have you tried accepting his comments and feeling them without answering anything back?

It's hard. I've tried it when people share me their point of view, and I completely disagree. I wanna say something, and just accepting their point of view is hard. But when I do, and I try to see and feel things the way they do, with their history behind, some things in myself change and in them too.

I wish you all good times with her and with yourselves.

Sea

Hi Jane,

It was neat to get the post niva sent. I'm glad she's taking good care of you. I know you're strong because it takes a strong person to love and stay brave and care even when it hurts. Even strong people need care sometimes though and niva sounds good at that. niva says you have a good T. It took us a long time to talk to our T even though she's really nice. We were scared and embarrassed and stuff and hid all the time. Now we talk to our T and she helps us. It's OK if you can't write back right now but if you find your words I'll read them.

Hi to you too Sonja! Do you like yellow words? I do.

Iain

Hello, We are very new here...
did not learn all your names...but we are sorry for the situation of your J and the illness.
About Aiden...yes, unemotional, my charlie, drives me to headache over these issues...
Always with the negatives, sees no point in the 'love or bond' that I try to share...

I do start with, the acceptance, listen with no reply..I then write all his comments and observations out...
Show him that I am trying hard to hear him...
Then we talk...I explain, my needs are different to his, my need for people, is as strong as his 'no need'...
Also I am quick, like now,lol, to tell him how much I need him to be with me when 'human' problems go wrong, deaths or relationship endings, are when I need his counsel and observation, he used to be more unwilling and uncooperative, causing me trouble when I still had the relationship, or was starting it, like new friends, or new T'...
but over these years of trying this way, he will allow me to get on and make, be in and continue relationships, especially as, I sit with him first now, not last, like, he used to have to shout to be heard in these matters, the more I gave him time, the more I see where his point is, the more time we spent together, the less he bothers me, when I am bonding to another person...
I do not ask him to understand anymore, I ask him to accept my 'weakness' as he calls it, ask him to silent support me, but I don't leave him there, I come and check, listen to him a while, this is the way I have made peace, (sort of, not all plain sail) with Charlie for relationships...
Really hope that makes sense to you...
I am feeling a little shy and silly now...
well wishes moonbeambeth.

I just lost a long post that I don't have the time and patience to write again… I'll try to write a bit though. We have been working ~12+ hour days, and Aiden gets us ready in the mornings, so there hasn't been time to post (plus he doesn't have anything to say and it's really hard for me to think when he's fronting). We are tired and sick! J is starting chemo again tomorrow because the alternative treatment isn't working .

I want to thank you for your replies! Thanks for being nice and accepting us all! It means so much to us! Usually only one or some of us are liked/approved of.. I can't wait for Jane to read the words addressed to her. I agree that she is brave! It takes her a long time to process things. Things with Aiden have been good; I have a great respect for him. I have been leaving him alone instead of interrogating him like I usually do (i.e. 'what do you think about this highly emotional subject?'), and he seems relieved.

Hi guys! Thanks for understanding where I am coming from! The last thing that J needs is to have to worry about other people suffering too! The best thing her loved ones can do is be strong and positive and optimistic. There's still a lot of room for hope!!! I picked yellow as my colour because my name is kind of like the sun and yellow is a pretty happy colour