Ashamed of Sexual Arousal

Hello All,

I was wondering if anyone has had these embarrassing symptoms:

*trigger warning*
I am smack in the middle of working through trauma of child sexual abuse with a therapist. Have had all kinds of somatic symptoms so far such as gagging, nauseau, etc. My abuse was one time rather violent rape. And now I am in the processing of writing a letter to the perpetrator. My issue that is causing me shame and confusion is that I have been unusually sexually aroused as of late when I think of this person. It is a physical thing and I cannot control it. I have never experienced this before but then again, I have never been in therapy for this before. I have no conscious memory of the event except for constant recurrent nightmares that have lasted for decades. I as 11 and this person was 28 at the time. He is now 67. I have no contact with him and have never seen him again since that fateful l day. Has anyone experienced these sexual somatic symptoms? I know this is embarrassing to write about.

Hiya hunny I'm not did at least I've been told on here that I may be but I'm not diagnosed. My situation is slightly different to your I was raped repeatedly by my boyfriend when I was he child very violent rape like you. I am still in love with my abuser and sometimes dream he will break in my house and rape me when I wake up it is obvious I have found this dream arousing. I dream that he will want me and forgive me for leaving. As far as I'm concerned people get such a mixture of feelings around abuse and go through so many stages you seem quite normal to me under the circumstances. Please don't feel ashamed of how you feel this happened to you and it's entirely up to you how you deal and feel about it.

Bastet777 wrote:I was wondering if anyone has had these embarrassing symptoms

Yes. These symptoms are all very common and perfectly normal in survivors of sexual abuse. The body's physical response to stimulation is physiological, meaning hard-wired into our anatomy.

Hasn't your therapist already told you about this, or recommended a book for you to read? That is part of preparing a client adequately for the kind of work you are doing now. It is very hard work. You need to feel safe and know what to expect so you don't get flooded with toxic shame over the feelings that are coming up now.

I know it is simple to say it is not something to be embarrassed about it, but it is entirely different to actually dismiss the feelings. I remember thinking there was something seriously wrong with me at the time and later as I thought about it because I was sexually aroused when I was being attacked. It was a repeated event over many years. I even went as far as finding people to relive the experience with to try to understand the arousal. I would so NOT suggest that because it was a pattern of self destructive behavior with me. Your body will react with or without your permission. There is nothing you can do to stop it. I agree that your therapist should have discussed this with you. Your memories have a connection with sexual arousal. The more you work through them, the arousal will lesson.

Trigger Warning!!!
I will openly admit this, but I still sometimes get sexually aroused when she sometimes thinks of her ex girlfriend who abused her. The abuse took place about 4 years ago, but unlike all of you she still has contact with her. But really that is not my fault. My ex is determined to completely ruin my so will never be able to I find happiness.
Trigger End!!!
You cannot control who arouses you, but it's up to you if you let it destroy your progress. As you work through dealing with your trauma your arousal will lessen, but it might never completely go away because it is a sexual traumatic experience.

Thank all so much for responding. I don't feel like such a freak now. No, I am surprised my therapist did not warn me about this. But I have not told her anything about it yet, but I agree don't know why she did not warn me. It is so weird. It's like you feel you have no control of your body.

-- Sat Mar 15, 2014 2:19 am --

yepitsme wrote:I. I even went as far as finding people to relive the experience with to try to understand the arousal. I would so NOT suggest that because it was a pattern of self destructive behavior with me. .

Yes, I have done that too for many years with BDSM scenarios trying to relive the experience. It has been a very dangerous thing to do and I agree with you, do not recommend it, but it is sometimes such a deep need to recreate it is hard to stop. Kind of like a drug addiction.

A well, I should say too that the arousal feelings just happen out of the blue sometimes . Even when not thinking about anyone or anything in particular. It's like by body is in some kind of trigger mode. Has any one experienced this?

Yes, I've experience getting aroused just out of the blue. Again it's just natural for your body. Don't allow it to worry you. Subconsciously you thought of the sexual experience, but that is bound to happen so,etime. It's okay it happens sometimes.

Bastet777 wrote:the arousal feelings just happen out of the blue sometimes

Yes. This is normal. It is dissociated content that is "leaking" through into your consciousness. The involuntary and not-relevant-to-the-here-and-now nature of the content is why it is called "intrusive": intrusive thoughts, intrusive images, intrusive feelings. Feelings are both emotions and sensations.

If I may suggest... Temporarily stop the trauma work and instead do some psycho-education (background reading and discussion of how it fits into your treatment plan) so that you are better prepared for and more able to cope with the common effects of doing this work.

Thank you Endlesslyinheaven and Una for your thought provoking responses. Really appreciate your input. Makes me feel like I am not alone.
I will tell y therapist about this on Weds. As well, I've had horrific nightmares since sending that letter. Won't let up. THanks again. Godspeed/