Highly dangerous alter *TW*

Hi, I'm a little lost here. I found out I had DID about a year ago, I didn't even know this actually existed, and still seems unreal to me, I can't get to believe all of this. It all started when I often found chats and calls on my celphone that I never made (as long as I recalled), I was arrogant, despotic, offensive, even agressive, not like angry, just like 'that's me, suck it up', I was shocked when my friends and family told me I called them and it didn't sound like me, I even threatened them. I hear my own voice saying things I'd never say or do. I used to be scared to death of what he might do, so I fight the dissociation and it feels like hell, I just get out of reality, but every time he comes out, he pretends to be me and I end up paying for everything he does, who would believe me? Many people walked away from me, I feel so alone right now. I just started my treatment on last December, my doctor says this has been happening for years and I probably never realized, my alter is very manipulative and can easily make anyone believe that he's the real me and even deny the disorder. I'm a lawyer, I work with facts and this still sounds like a bad movie, I'm extremely confused and goddamn desperate, I want to open my window and scream for f*cking HELP, can't wait for years of treatment, I feel like I'm going to hurt or kill someone and won't even remember, I can't live with that, I just... I need help, not professional, human help, I'd kill myself rather than let him kill someone else.

Hi ZeekB. Sorry to hear you've been having a rough time but you've come to the right place. Luckily this forum is full of people that can give advice. Have you tried to communicate with this alter via a journal or something? Sounds like a protector alter to me. They tend to be very aggressive towards others and try to push them away as a way of protecting the host, which would be you. In response to you last line, I don't think death is a good way to solve the problem. Patience and communication are what I feel would be best. I hope you're able to come to an understanding of what the alter is and his role. Btw, denial is also a big symptom of people who have DID so that's normal.

We can relate. Totally.

ZeekB wrote:I feel like I'm going to hurt or kill someone and won't even remember, I can't live with that, I just... I need help, not professional, human help, I'd kill myself rather than let him kill someone else.

Although somehow I didn't know I was a multiple, for decades I was aware of two of my alters and I thought this about one of them. I thought Alter 1 wanted to kill people and Alter 2 was keeping Alter 1 in check. But that was only a misunderstanding, and fear. Reality was both Alters existed to keep me safe, and did keep me safe in some extremely dangerous situations. Now Alter 1 has fused with me, and I must say his gift of discernment is amazing.

ZeekB wrote:my doctor says this has been happening for years

This is for sure. By all accounts your alter has been talking on the phone and texting and chatting with other people for years. And in all that time he has not killed anyone. Have you ever tried using social media to chat with him? How would you feel if he began posting here, engaging with us? Would that be okay with you?

Your scary alter may have a gift that could serve you well in your profession. Could you tell us more about him? Does he have a name?

I don't think it feels like a protector, I know he won't hurt me, but not because of me, but because of himself, he's very selfish and I know he uses me as leverage, so no one who loves me would act against him. I know it will take some time of therapy to understand the way he acts, I'm smart and so is he, so I know he's not just acting random.

An "emergency therapist" I saw on vacation with my family told me he was some sort of emotional leak, years of repressed emotions, instincts and desires, when I think of him, I think of rage, selfishness, ambition and vengeance, everything I don't let myself feel (since childhood, elitist environment, diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder on 2010). The therapist said he even chose Law as my career in his thirst for power and punishment.

He does have a name and an identity, same gender, same age, but he denies my family and some of my friends, people tell me I suddenly change, like my face is not my face. This may have NOTHING to do with science, but someone told me "we all have a dark side, and you let yours out". I'm going to try the journal, so we can communicate with each other.

Thank you guys for understanding, I'm new here but I've also been reading other people's experiences and I feel much better, I'll keep coming around and help when I can. Really, really, thank you,

ZeekB wrote:I don't think it feels like a protector, I know he won't hurt me, but not because of me, but because of himself, he's very selfish and I know he uses me as leverage, so no one who loves me would act against him. I know it will take some time of therapy to understand the way he acts, I'm smart and so is he, so I know he's not just acting random.

Sometimes those so-called protectors are not really protecting the person in an altruistic way. Or at least it can feel that way. In a way that mechanism you describe feels like a way to protect yourself. Nobody can harm him? Well, if nobody can harm "him", then nobody can harm "you" neither.

My main...um, protector...is quite selfish too. In a way a bit of a sociopath. His consciousness usually doesn't include other parts so he cannot really protect anyone else within the system. Besides, how much protection do we need today? Not much. What is there to do when the need for defense disappears? Um...it causes anger and focuses it in a negative way towards other people. In a way it is "post-traumatic stress from combat". Is is possible to adjust to a peaceful life when you return from the battlefield?....This probably doesn't apply to your case, though.

But the benefit of any "dark side alter", protector or sociopath will be shown if you manage to channel the anger into something productive. Isn't lawyer like the best possible carreer for that alter? Have you noticed any specific situations where this alter actually helps you out? Many time that happens but we have a tendency to ignore the positive things if we notice something negative. Many times the protector parts may experience unfair treatment by the other parts. "You complain about me now? What about the times I actually saved you?"

I don't have any protector alts that I know of, so to me jumping to the 'he's doing bad things to protect you' conclusion is just that-- jumping to a conclusion. It can't hurt to try and see things from his perspective a little. He turns into you, and there's no reason he would like it any more than you do. Something traumatic enough to cause a dissociative split happened to both of you once, and he could remember it much more clearly than you do.

If you can bring out the human in him, he could still learn to enjoy life again and respect you and move past the things that happened. If you can't, he'll stay bitter over a years-ago slight. You can't fight him down and expect him not to fight back up. Try turning this war around a little.