SO - In Need Of Help

I am not sure if any information I am about to post might cause a trigger. So be aware. I won't go into too much detail.

First some background information. My girlfriend has undiagnosed DID. She has 4 alters that she has told me about and her protector has told me the same. Her 4 known alters include a protecter/helper, a small girl, a violent angery one and a flirtatious one.

When we first got together she didn't know she was DID. Her oldest daughter had an idea but other than that she had no idea.

One night while out to eat she grabbed my phone and read a text from an ex that was sent before we had ever met. She was asking me about the text and the next thing I know she was saying the meanest, cruelest stuff she could to hurt me. It just never stopped .. even the drive home. I was heartbroken and hurt. I went into our bathroom (we live together) to calm myself and when I came out she was on the bed crying and saying sorry. At the time I thought she was apologizing for the things she said. Later that night I asked her why she said those things. She was like "I did?" And was so upset about the things she said to me. She said she can't remember any of it. At first I was like really? .. Then she opened up about other times it has happened to her. At the same time made me notice how many times it has happened that I never noticed.

That night was over two months ago. I love her so much and wanted to try and help her. I told her it sounds like you might have DID. I helped make her aware and I have had tons of talks and unfortunately arguements with him (she is female .. her protector is male). He is mad I made her aware. They were happy being unknown. I have since learned their names. I know the damage the violent one has caused her family. I know the shame and guilt and loss of self respect that her flirtatious one has caused. But ...

My current problem is with the protector. He keeps trying to push me away. He doesn't believe she needs a man in her life. He punishes me for all the wrong things they have done. I respect him and appreciate all the things he has done for her. I just can't get him to see me for me. Her and I truly love each other and I won't give up on her. I just want some advice on what I can do .. besides be there for her and love her. I keep triggering him to come out almost every other day now. Each time he tries to push me away.

The thing is they now communicate and she is fully aware of her alters and who they are. Even she tries to help but its not working. I know she needs professional help but that is something she will do when she is ready. She has experienced co-consciousness many times with her protector. They are very close now.

So is it because its all so new to all of us .. or do you think he will never accept me in her life?

Hello there, I am in a very similar position, I am a supporter, though my situation has gotten a little out of hand, but that's neither here nor there.

Yes, there is something you can do, but it will take some time. You need to try and befriend that protector. He (or she) is there for a reason, and that was to help save your girlfriend's life. Appreciate him for that. Get to know him. Tell him you'd like to get to know him. Don't ignore him, or ask to speak to someone else when he is out. Don't be afraid, and don't let him abuse you in any way.

The same goes for all the alters. Respect each one and relate to them as they come out. You will have a whole new group of friends. Ultimately, there will be an alter or two that will probably not like you, as with any group of people.

I hope this helps some, I've got to get ready for work, but please feel free to message me, I will be happy to help you if I can, take care.

Hi Startail!! First off, welcome to the forums. You have come to a great place for advice, information, resources.

I am also an SO and have been where you are. Like Patience said, it will take time, but you can earn the trust and respect of this protective alter. Unfortunatley you will have to prove yourself to this protector, because for as long as this alter has been around, it's been their role to ensure that your SO is safe, alive, and no harm comes to her. This alter is a VERY important one. What I found worked for my SO and I, when his protective alter would present (he would present VERY angry) I would sit and listen to what was being said, I would acknowledge everything that was said, and I would always always tell this alter, regardless of the mean or cruel things that were said to me, that no matter what, I am here, I am NOT going anywhere, I love each and every one of you, but most of all, I respect you and the role that you had to take. And I also thank that alter all the time for doing their job as well as they have done to get my SO to the here and now. I would do this each and every time!

As hard as it is to hear the things that are being said, the alter saying those things truly believes that they are doing it in the best interests and protection of your SO, you have to find a way to let those words bounce off of you. I would also really suggest that you as well would benefit from having a support system or counselling.

Here is a really good read that is aimed at helping significant others in coping and helping their partners with DID. I found it to be quite useful.

www.toddlertime.com/dx/did/did-guild.htm

Please feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.

Thank for the support. That link helped me understand a lot. I know her protector says the things he says to push me away because if I'm gone obviously I can't hurt her. So I see where he is coming from. I will continue to do what I'm doing. I have been treating him with respect, telling him I am not leaving and that I love my SO as well as him and all the others because of what they have done and sacrificed for her. I do appreciate her protector and I will continue to focus on her and her kids and show them how much I love them. I won't take what her alters say personal. I will keep showing kindness and hopefully win them over. Thanks again.