How to talk to 7 year old alter

So we just discovered that my SO who has D.I.D. has a 7 year old alter. I found out when he came out and talked to me today.


***possible Trigger warning*****


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T told me likes machine guns and bombs.
***end Trigger warning****



I don't know how I feel about talking about these things. T said he doesn't like people and isn't sure if he likes me yet. Any advice on talking to him. I understand that although he is 7 that with D.I.D. he's a mature 7. I was able to get him to talk about Legos and favorite food. It was a short 4-5 minutes. He won't trust me easily sui I want to make sure I'm careful. I have children so I understand how to be with kids in general, just not sure about this situation.

Thanks
J

So we just discovered that my SO who has D.I.D. has a 7 year old alter. I found out when he came out and talked to me today.


***possible Trigger warning*****


*************
T told me likes machine guns and bombs.
***end Trigger warning****



I don't know how I feel about talking about these things. T said he doesn't like people and isn't sure if he likes me yet. Any advice on talking to him. I understand that although he is 7 that with D.I.D. he's a mature 7. I was able to get him to talk about Legos and favorite food. It was a short 4-5 minutes. He won't trust me easily sui I want to make sure I'm careful. I have children so I understand how to be with kids in general, just not sure about this situation.

Thanks
J

Wow, Jaybird, I suspected this might happen!

Littles are just wonderful...in simplest terms, talk to him the way you would any other 7 year old. Just be interested and willing to listen to him. If he likes machine guns and bombs, maybe he likes them as toys! Or from movies! Ask him, like, "Oh wow, really? Did you see them in a movie? They're scary, though.."

I always say..every system is different. My guy's little one likes sweet things, chocolate and movies. He has never requested that we buy toys, but going to a toy store is a different story!

I know this is new, and I know this 7 year old is in a man's body, and can do a lot of things an adult can do, but I enjoy talking to my guy's little. I also like to let him know when he's done a good job at something, or that his interests are really cool.

That said, I must also say that my guy's little one is very happy go lucky. Some littles are sad and scared, so if that's the case, I'd make sure he felt safe, and with time he should grow to trust you. It's good that you have kids, so he already knows that you are nice to them.

Thanks for the reply patience. I've had a feeling for a of couple weeks this might be the case. I think there may be a couple others we aren't aware of either. T says he was hiding from me but since he got found out, he decided to talk to me. I had heard his name from somebody else and had asked my s.o about him and he didn't know anything. I just talked to him the way that I talk to my daughter and was asking him questions I told him I didn't know very much about the things you like but that he could tell me. since right now our only communication is over the phone it was very nice of him to say hi and tell me his name. but he is definitely not a happy go lucky he is very hurt and really doesn't seem to trust anybody but the strongest protector. their birthdays on Friday and I just mailed out birthday cards for everybody, so I'm going to go look for a card now for 7 year old. I'm still really unsure because my so doesn't really need the little boy to come out right now while in Prison. I want to show my love to him without causing my so difficulty. I do like your idea about mentioning movies, although I'm sure he means the real thing. They've been in war and battle. but I have a 6 year old daughter and I often talk to her more grown up so I'm not really sure. Trust is going to be critical to build. Their mother was part of the past difficulties. Trusting women is hard for them.

Thanks for the ideas. Would love to hear from others as well.

hi there,

I think that you are doing an amazing job ina difficult situation. Not being able to physcially interact with your partner must be hard. You are being a super star, hold on to that!

I have worked with 11 - 19 year olds of different abilites and emotional ranges. I have failed and i have suceeded.

I actually found that a great way to interact with a child that is withdrawn is to talk 'about' things and not always try to pull information 'out' of them. Im not sure that made sence actually but what i ment was that ...It is a huge things for kids to GIVE information out but it is easy for them to recieve information and as a mother you will know that often when they pretend not to belistening they are!

I have taught children who are into things that i sooooo very much am not, what i used to do for disafected kids was to pick up things that they were interested in. So you have agood things here cars and bombs. Now what is a second good thing here is that if your husbands 7 year old dose come out because of cars and boms at least its around a topic that is not flowers and skates!
I used to do some research but if you stick to art and drawing you might be alright because art tends to be a universal language and men drawing bombs and cars is ok isnt it?! You could search for a selection of beafed up car photos and send them to him? I would say bombs but i dont think prision would let them through would they~?!? lol. You could maybe send a car magazine through?

As a mum im sure you know and as you have already mentioned alters are mature for there age and children of a certain age do like to be trated with a certain 'adult' like quality. It makes them feel trusted. The more you give in terms of telling in just writing and talking to him , the more in the end you will get, patience is the name of the game. Time as well.

You said his mother caused a lot of problems for him, now you being a mother may well be a trigger for him. So im not sure how you introduce yourself to him? I know saying im your mum, im sure you dont do to your husband!!?! lol but just in talking about your daughter.... . Im not sure if you have said i have a daughter and she is called...... im just suggesting stay away from trigger words like mother etc. hope that makes sence.


This is a little of topic and is completly understandable if you dont want to answer. As an inmate, how dose the prison deal with your husband having a alter switch into a youngster?


take care of yourself

river

Thank you river. I appreciate the support. It is very difficult not being in physical contact. T... actually introduced himself to me and asked me my name. I don't know if he didn't know or if he was confirming because he specifically said he's been hiding from me. I told him I hoped we could be friends he said we'll see and I was happy about that. The questions I did ask were in regards to what he was telling me. I do understand the approach you are referring to. Focusing more on talking with him instead of getting information. I did ask how old he was then told him " my little girl is 6" their mom was not the abuser but let it happen to fulfill her addiction. Mom hasn't been a trigger for any of the other 6 I know. But I'm not assuming it'll be the same for him. T.. mentioned "the bad man" so it's probably a bigger deal with men, but trust is very difficult for all of them. I personally have 2 kids. 6 year old girl and 12 year old boy. I also work with high schoolers so that helps. I just didn't know if it's inappropriate to talk about such violent things. This little boy seems to want to hurt people to make up for his hurt. So I dint want to encourage anything that would hurt him in the long run. But talking about guns and boys playing with guns is pretty normal to. It could be worse like you said. I do feel honored and blessed that he spoke with me. So I did find him a birthday card and just wrote "you are special and I love you from J..."

In regards to the prison... my husband has not been diagnosed by a doctor. Not that that makes it any less real. He has hidden it from anyone and everyone even his family, except from me. He has been dealing with a brain tumor so he has been shifting a lot with the pain meds. But he is in solitary confinement while he's healing from surgery. The prison refuses to acknowledge that he has D.I.D. they said they don't see it and made lots of excuses. I don't think his little one has come out when others were watching. He said he doesn't like people. He even hides within the system. My husband was only aware of 5 others and not T at all. I actually think if they saw T... then maybe they would pay attention. The others are very aggressive adult males except one who is softer but still he's 27 and very understanding of the prison dynamics of power and reputation. They function very well at pretending to be one, however most emotions are displayed as anger so they would all seem like the same to an outsider. I can recognize the voice changes right away when there is a shift. but at the moment phone calls are all I have so I pay close attention.

-- Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:08 pm --

Thank you river. I appreciate the support. It is very difficult not being in physical contact. T... actually introduced himself to me and asked me my name. I don't know if he didn't know or if he was confirming because he specifically said he's been hiding from me. I told him I hoped we could be friends he said we'll see and I was happy about that. The questions I did ask were in regards to what he was telling me. I do understand the approach you are referring to. Focusing more on talking with him instead of getting information. I did ask how old he was then told him " my little girl is 6" their mom was not the abuser but let it happen to fulfill her addiction. Mom hasn't been a trigger for any of the other 6 I know. But I'm not assuming it'll be the same for him. T.. mentioned "the bad man" so it's probably a bigger deal with men, but trust is very difficult for all of them. I personally have 2 kids. 6 year old girl and 12 year old boy. I also work with high schoolers so that helps. I just didn't know if it's inappropriate to talk about such violent things. This little boy seems to want to hurt people to make up for his hurt. So I dint want to encourage anything that would hurt him in the long run. But talking about guns and boys playing with guns is pretty normal to. It could be worse like you said. I do feel honored and blessed that he spoke with me. So I did find him a birthday card and just wrote "you are special and I love you from J..."

In regards to the prison... my husband has not been diagnosed by a doctor. Not that that makes it any less real. He has hidden it from anyone and everyone even his family, except from me. He has been dealing with a brain tumor so he has been shifting a lot with the pain meds. But he is in solitary confinement while he's healing from surgery. The prison refuses to acknowledge that he has D.I.D. they said they don't see it and made lots of excuses. I don't think his little one has come out when others were watching. He said he doesn't like people. He even hides within the system. My husband was only aware of 5 others and not T at all. I actually think if they saw T... then maybe they would pay attention. The others are very aggressive adult males except one who is softer but still he's 27 and very understanding of the prison dynamics of power and reputation. They function very well at pretending to be one, however most emotions are displayed as anger so they would all seem like the same to an outsider. I can recognize the voice changes right away when there is a shift. but at the moment phone calls are all I have so I pay close attention.

hi there,


The fact that you have a boy and a girl, that you work with high school kids is all a great advantage!
I totally got where you was coming from about talking about bombs with a 7 year old, i think i was thinking of it from my littles perspective..... they like to draw a great aray of things and some vilent stuff but it is art thearpy to get out what they have dealt with. So in the past ...


TRIGGER WARNING

so in the past there has been drawings of nasty things touching each other or guns or violent fights etc.

TRIGGER OVER

I totally agree that you said its part of a childs normal growing up putting those things into a 'normal' context as well. As i am sure you have watched your boy do the same. I think that is what i aimed to do by letting my littles draw it out but not giving shame to it. How ever your partner is living ina very different dynamic us. So we thought but showing him cars and bumbs and stuff in the context of normal civilisation via media such as magazines it would engage him and give him an out let.
In theory!>!>!

When you said 'T' I didnt realise that was the name of the 7 year old alter, i got a bit confused, I thought you ment T as in short for a Thearpist!

Considering your partner has just had brain surgery have they not considered altered brain chemistry causing did type problems?

Dose you partner get to see some type of T?

I wish the both of you all the best

jake

Jake/River

I apologize I didn't even think about T being confused for Therapist. I'm really weary about using the names, since it's not my secret to tell. The little won't be identified as him so I think it's ok to refer to him as Tommy.

The brain tumor is actually more around his brain and ear than actually part of that. So I don't think it's part of any D.I.D. stuff. Plus he's had like 30 surgeries like this in his life around his ear, so if it has made a difference, it's nothing that has recently changed. It's mainly just the fact that he is taking pain meds which weakens my SOs (Jd's) ability to stop shifting. (It seems weird to only refer to the core as my SO, but all except the little are my SOs, I'm marrying all 6. )

I like the ideas you presented with art therapy and such. I'll keep that in mind when we are in person and he is out.

The prison is not giving him help with counseling or therapy except the bare minimum necessary which is not even weekly and usually not more than 20 minutes. They just think he's a troublemaker/liar who's trying to con them. They don't believe in the D.I.D. There is no doubt he has it, because of my interactions with each of them. His sister was diagnosed and has confirmed it as well. He's just the type to never admit it. He didn't even know his sister knew until I told him about a week ago. And he trusts her big time. So he never tried to get it diagnosed. He didn't want to admit it.

I guess my biggest concern is how to approach him being there. Jd has known about 5 of his alters since he was a kid. I think there are 2 more that haven't come out yet that he isn't aware of besides Tommy from what I've heard his sister tell me about the past. But Jd is not comfortable with the others fronting. He has not figured out how to stay present with any of them, so it's all scary for him. I want to acknowledge Tommy because he did make the move to contact me. There is a reason he felt ok talking to me and I don't want to ignore him (of course if he's out I wouldn't) but in context of when he's not fronting. For example. I sent 6 birthday cards, one to each I know. Well it seemed important to me to send a card to Tommy now that I know him as well. I don't even know if he can read, but I don't want him to feel excluded. How aware do little's tend to be when they aren't fronting? I'm stuck between wanting to give him attention but not wanting to draw him out in that setting either. If that makes any sense what I just rambled. In the future should I address him in letters that I address everyone else in? Or when I send everyone a card for a special occasion? Jd is very concerned about Tommy being active.

Ultimately my goal is to gain Tommy's trust, to help him feel safe, accepted and loved. To encourage him to have his feelings, and to be able to tell me things like when he said he doesn't like me without any judgement or critique. (When he said that to me I just said, It's ok that he doesn't like people and "I hope we can be friends").

I am very appreciative of your comments. Thank You!

I completly understand you not wanting to out anything about your partner, i am like that about that all the time. I get realllll crazy pangs of O NO, I DIDNT, NOO....O MY GOSHHH.. and then calm down..lol.


Lol about you marrying all 6 and then you get the extra kids on the side!

The prison is not giving him help with counseling or therapy except the bare minimum necessary which is not even weekly and usually not more than 20 minutes. They just think he's a troublemaker/liar who's trying to con them. They don't believe in the D.I.D. There is no doubt he has it, because of my interactions with each of them. His sister was diagnosed and has confirmed it as well. He's just the type to never admit it. He didn't even know his sister knew until I told him about a week ago. And he trusts her big time. So he never tried to get it diagnosed. He didn't want to admit it.

I have read lots and watched lots about different prision systems in different countrys but take it all with a pich of salt as i have never experenced it for my self. It is terrable that he is getting brushed aside but not a suprise. Much like the school system ( i see the two with much a mirror!!!) It is very interesting that you said his siter has been dignosed with DID, we are glad to here he has you and her in his life that he can obviously trust and support him. May we ask how long to he gets out? At least then, if he dose accept what his sister says, he could start the healing of getting dignosed etc...

But Jd is not comfortable with the others fronting. He has not figured out how to stay present with any of them, so it's all scary for him. I want to acknowledge Tommy because he did make the move to contact me. There is a reason he felt ok talking to me and I don't want to ignore him (of course if he's out I wouldn't) but in context of when he's not fronting.

I am in a safe enviroment and i am not comfortable when i find out i am not fronting, so to be in an unsafe enviroment and not be fronting im not surprised he isnt comfortable. One thing that stood out in this post was that he did not want to ACCEPT his conditon , without acceptance he may not be able to stay in the presance enough to learn the skills to stay co-con. For myself it has only just started once i have started to communicate with my alters. Can he do that, is it safe for him to write a journal?

How aware do little's tend to be when they aren't fronting? I'm stuck between wanting to give him attention but not wanting to draw him out in that setting either. If that makes any sense what I just rambled. In the future should I address him in letters that I address everyone else in? Or when I send everyone a card for a special occasion? Jd is very concerned about Tommy being active.

This is a really good question to ask and one that will be different for everyone. This may be one to put out in a seperate post, only because when some people read a post title they may think they cant help but the question you put here i bet alot of people could help with.

My littles are aware ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOT or the time but are most aware when they are triggered by things both good and bad..so certain adult words or just things like bright colours or sweets and yes birthdays are one of those triggers. From our point of view its better to be a positive trigger then a negative trigger. Beging that tommy is a fragile kid and he hasnt fronted yet, its just my 10pence worth but i'd think the 'protector' in the system wouldnt let him get out and up front....?

river - this time lol!

I don't know how to handle your exact situation, but I find that trying things my 6 year old alter likes to do helps. Maybe encourage your SO to try using toys that he might like, such as the lego, or doing things kids generally like. Maybe as you encourage your 7yo to play he will begin to trust you and your SO. I've found that my Lellie very much enjoys drawing and writing with felt tip pens. She comes right out! Hope this helps. Perhaps as he begins to trust, you and your SO can help direct his interests in more healthy and age-appropriate directions.