lady issues- the monthly stuggle of identity

hey every one

I have no idea if there should be a TRIGGER WARNING so i put one just there just in case. I thought i should because actually this triggers me every month.

I realise that this is a combination of ptsd and did but it sucks all the same. I was wondering if anyone else has the same problem? The age old addage of if im not alone im not so weird!! lol, well maybe not so old after all!!

Ok, so whats the trigger ; the thing a some one with a womans body until a certain aga can not get away from. Se i have drawn it out as long as possible so i dont have to write the word; yes its a period.
Ok, thats that word done.

We have a struggled with our gender identity ever since we realise we had to be a girl. When we started puberty it was a real shock- we was a girl and every one else knew it and no one was shocked by it. We all of a sudden became aware of pronounes, even though we didnt know what that word ment back then! We had these things pointing out front and this thing down below that one day exploded. EXPLODED!!! Sure we knew all about the birds and the bee's but our body wasnt ever going to do those things. It was traumatic telling our mother and we only did it once and hit it the rest of the time we lived at the house. We felt ashamed of having a lady part and having a lady part that needed lady things down there each month and having to ask our mother to get lady products each month!?!?!?! that was not happening.

OK BIGGER TRIGGER WARNING

We didnt want to draw attention to the fact we was really a girl, we didnt think they knew half the time because half the time we were sam and half the time i was river but only river when it was safe. We begged our mum not to tell our dad that we had exploded down there in our girl parts but she seemed perplexed to the problem. My mum suffers from major memory problems, total undx CPTSD and cognitive disolence but that is what she had to do to survive. You see for the rest of our life from age 11 to 15 as we didnt have our own money we had to stuff toilet roll in our nickers and hope it didnt leak through during school , which it did, often and left stains on our trousers. Our mum never said ANYTHING about us never needing any 'products' for exploding body parts or about blood stained trousers. I love my mum but it hurts.

BIGGER TRIGGER OVER

So what are we left with now- that monthly struggle to deal with down stairs. Good job these days the wife deals with buying the exploding body part product butthey have to be left out of eye sight at all times. We have to and always have had to, kind of take a step aware from our self to deal with it. During those days of pain and knowing why it hurts it feels so weird and it feels like we are in danger because of being a woman and people know it but weird because we, i can not excape my gender with Sam.

The PMT and general hormones leading up to it all- i go from being in denial that is why i feel like it to....no just denial but then myself and my partner just have to laugh until we can not breath anymore because denial with these size boobs just dont work!


Every month i lose my most valuable resource, Sam because my body is so imcompatable with his view of him self.

Any one else have simular experiences?

thanks for reading my dribble i as always apreciate it.

river

Hello River!!

riverside wrote:Any one else have simular experiences?

I can't say I've had a similar experience, 'coz I'm a singleton. However, I'd like to give you my thoughts about the period.

I hope I don't trigger you much, or I don't scared Sam away, and I hope I don't make some readers uncomfortable.

I'd like to tell you how my views on "having the moon", as some of the women I've walked with call it, have changed.

*TRIGGER WARNING - Talk about period, blood, hallucinogens*

My mother always said that having the period was something natural, and a sign that my body was working perfectly. However, the views that I got from "society" were that it was something uncomfortable, something women should try to hide, something men were not supposed to know whenever I had it, something unpleasant I had to go every month. What's more, men and women used to joke about how "complicated" women were in "those days", how sensitive they were, and whenever someone exploded in rage, even a man, they would joke: "are you in your days?".

I remember, that the first time I got my period, my mother suggested me to tell my father, to let him know the changes my body was going through. I told him. I felt uncomfortable. And nowadays, I regret telling him. It was my decision to make, and I think I felt coerced. Anyhow...

For years, I was happy my body was working well; however, every month I was uncomfortable. At the beginning with pads; it was the worst, and later with tampons. I always hated buying them.

Later, a mooncup came into my hands. A mooncup is a reusable recipient that it's introduce into the vagina, collects the period, and later it is removed and cleansed. I was all about living in a more sustainable way, so I loved it. Plus, I wouldn't have to go and buy tampons any more.

A couple of years later I went to an eco-village, to a Jahé ritual. Women could not assist the ritual if they had the moon. Luckily I did not have it, so I assisted. I asked why women having the moon couldn't assist, and some of the organizers said because it could be dangerous for the Shaman.

Any how, after the ritual, I decided to stay a couple of days more in the eco-village. I asked the owners if I could stay in exchange of helping with the place. They agreed. I was going to help with the crops, cooking was made in community, so I had to help there as well, and a new Jahé ritual was going to take place.

Bad News: I got my period.

I was uncomfortable, however, I had to tell them. Where I was staying, some people believe that when a woman has the moon, can't help with the crops, 'coz they may kill the growing plants, they can't cook either, and they can't go to Jahé rituals, so pretty much I couldn't do anything I wanted to do to help.

However, they gave me a present. They changed the way I looked into it. All, men and women, children, young, and old, talked about me having the moon as something natural, almost as something sacred. When I wanted to help in the kitchen, some of the women told me that those days were the opportunity that nature gives women every month to slow down, to go inside and connect with the higher self, to explore one's self. That's why some women have to stay in bed during those days. These women at the eco-village also told me that during those days women were so, so powerful, that's why historically some people made it look like it was something disgusting so women would avoid finding this power within them selves. What's more; they say that the blood every month comes out of our body's is so sacred, and can be given back the earth in a solemn ritual.

The fact that men, women, and pretty much everyone was talking about my period with such ease made me feel comfortable, and not at all in shame. The things these women told me, made me feel special and empowered. I've always thought that women are as capable as men to do anything they like, so when in any way it was implicit that because of having our period we as women couldn't exercise or something, I would always try to prove them wrong. However, those talks, made me try to go inside, meditate during those days, and finding this awesome power those women were telling me about. I've even done the blood ritual but... meh, I've found it a little tricky to do 'coz people still find it odd.

The thing is that, for years I was pretty uncomfortable with the idea of having my period every month; and I think it was in part because of what I perceived from society. Later, I found how amazing, sacred, and beautiful it is. Some women have said that when they changed their view on having the moon, their monthly PMS are completely gone.

I also wanted to mention that what you did with toilet paper, I've done it as well. Mostly when I'm out and I don't have my moon cup with me. I wanted to tell you that from "society" I've also perceived that if it leaks somehow is catastrophic for the girl or the woman to whom that happens. But it's just blood. I've come to see that if a persons gets cut, or hit really bad and s/he bleeds, and stains clothes it's ok, so why is it such a big deal for a woman to bleed as well?

*TRIGGER WARNING ENDS*


ok, now, I understand that with you guys, having a male and female alter in a female body can be difficult for facing this "woman" biological stuff. And as I read, maybe your mother didn't know how to give you the support you all needed. What I am saying, is that there are other looks at it, and maybe, if you guys look at it in a different way maybe you both (Sam and River) can feel differently, and "hopefully" you won't loose one of your most valuable resource every month.

Wish you the best.

Sea

We can't help with knowing how it feels as we're all girls (phew they say as someone has a fear of men). But we have a suggestion, can u not take the pill or whatever you call it in your country so that you don't have periods? I don't know exactly how they work and guess if you have to pay for medication you may not be able to afford to do so or it could be against your beliefs etc....just an idea

Mal is not exactly overjoyed with periods and yep, he is present less around that time of the month.

When he is around he is more dissociated around that time, but we are not working on reducing that. It is not a priority for us/him to work on this because it is actually useful in this instance:
Frequently when he Fronts he is only aware of the top half of the body, although he is vaguely aware of walking or sitting or whatever - he experiences himself as ending at the waist.

now I wouldn't recommend perpetuating dissociation as a coping strategy but if you need Sam present all month around, if debetoile's awesome idea is not an option for one reason or another and if you find yourself all out of preferable coping mechanisms: Maybe Sam is able to limit his awareness too?

Sorry, not got much good to offer on this one.
All the best to Sam and the rest of you too of course!
~Odessa

*Possible Triggers throughout*

Our time of month is very difficult for some of us too. The cramping and bleeding reminds us of a very specific event and it always causes system chaos. Our guys hate being in the body and some are outright horrified that our body is doing this to them. It makes our more traumatized members completely lose their mind for the week. (not counting the week of pms before, which is a pain for everyone and often triggers out our suicidal system member.)
Some of them also remember a time when feminine products were withheld from us and hidden due to the mother hating teenagers and not wanting her kid to be one.
We wish we could just have the parts removed.

You're definitely not alone in the matter.
-mix

-- Sun Feb 09, 2014 5:02 pm --

adding a little bit. wow, Sea, your post was amazing. i've read that it is seen as something sacred in some cultures as well, but like you stated, our society tells us it's disgusting so i started believing that. your post really stood out to me. thank you for taking the time to write that experience.

lots of triggers entire post.







We think it's gross. Why do we have to have a male out front so often during it, or littles?
guess he can just take it better cause he's always really strong, but he's not happy about it either to say the least..but it compensates cause it grosses the other male out a tad more..
We can't talk about p's, we can't think about what needs to be done, cant look at it. Even without p's it's hard to be female even for most of the females cause it's just so gross to us. them littles cant even think about body parts and one little boy stopped living cause we are female. with that thing we always feel gross and like we're hiding something dirty. even feel gross when we think that other people have it too, totally disorienting and gross. he's like how can people pretend to be pretty if they all have it.
dont understand god really. could have been a better way to make it instead of this with all the doolb and pain and grossness.

We did for years keep taking the pill with no stop-week for p's. It appears unhealthy longterm plus it doesn't always work cause the body has to eventually get rid of and that makes it really unpredictable which is worse. but maybe it would be an option?

Some of us wants kids someday but as soon as we had them kids, them parts are going that's a certainty. I cant wait but I cant have kids right now. maybe never cause we're in huge conflict about that too. so basically it's another issue on hold.




.

hey everyone,

thankyou all so much for replying to this post. Everything that all of you have said have really helped us.
We struggled to read it but knew that it would help us , just as we struggled to write about it. I know how much effort and time it can take to write a post, especially a long one so we really do mean it when we say thank you.

Sea, Thank you for all that you wrote we as always apreciate your perspective and this one we really did. It is a story about the explosion that we had never heard b4 and one that was a welcome one to hear, although the thought of it creeps us out tottally but not because it is wrong to talk about it but because our history has conditioned us to feel weak. Which is why you told us about this part of your life. We did laugh at your trigger warning because you wrote ' *TRIGGER WARNING - Talk about period, blood, hallucinogens* and then it was all in white! and we thought O NO WE ARE HAVING ONE OF THOSE!! hehe

ok, now, I understand that with you guys, having a male and female alter in a female body can be difficult for facing this "woman" biological stuff. And as I read, maybe your mother didn't know how to give you the support you all needed. What I am saying, is that there are other looks at it, and maybe, if you guys look at it in a different way maybe you both (Sam and River) can feel differently, and "hopefully" you won't loose one of your most valuable resource every month.

I think you are right, my mum had so much on her plate and she loved all of the family and protected us from harm at all times as much as she could. my mum is an amazing woman. no one except my partner knows anything about my conditions. My sister would ask for those things each month and she got. i just slipped by the by. I agree each month we look at my partner for strenth and know that if we didnt have this body then we wouldnt have meet our partner and this is a small price to pay.

debetoile - we wish we could take the pill but our family has a history of lady cancers so thats a no go im afraid.

Teatime - what you said about dissociating one half of the body. Its interesting because actually We use it as a 'plaster' technique until we can work these things out for the long term in thearpy and stuff but what we had been trying to do together was giving sam the reigns and him taking control of the downstairs but he can never hold on and it stresses us both out!

I thinkits because the problem is its not because sam is male that its a huge problem because me being female i hate it being there just as much!! We would much the same be no gender at all. We have yet to find a way of doing this though!

Familyof3 - regarding having these parts removed - o yeah!!! lol.

Hahaha River!! Your answer really made me laugh.

riverside wrote:We did laugh at your trigger warning because you wrote ' *TRIGGER WARNING - Talk about period, blood, hallucinogens* and then it was all in white! and we thought O NO WE ARE HAVING ONE OF THOSE!! hehe

The things is that I didn't know what could be triggering for you guys or for anyone who could read it. So I've seen that people write Trigger Warning, some write the topics (which I've found useful), and some change the color of the thread... I'm guessing so no triggering words are easily read? hahaha yeah, "one of those threads" hahahaha

Was it helpful? Or don't need to put them next time?

riverside wrote:It is a story about the explosion that we had never heard b4 and one that was a welcome one to hear, although the thought of it creeps us out tottally but not because it is wrong to talk about it but because our history has conditioned us to feel weak.

I totally get this. I still find it so unfair that natural and beautiful things such as sex, the period or caresses or the very same body are bad triggers due to a history that no one deserved.

riverside wrote:I agree each month we look at my partner for strenth and know that if we didnt have this body then we wouldnt have meet our partner and this is a small price to pay.

I'm glad that your woman body can also bring you happiness as well.
Familyof3

I'm glad to read your comment. Totally happy to share.

glad it made you laugh it sure did us...once we figured it out. Its not the first time, little off topic but i didnt realise we had driven from england into wales and saw a road sign. I jsut couldnt figure out what it said, i thought i was having a totall moment. my partner kindly told me we had changed into a different country lmao.


sea you said

The things is that I didn't know what could be triggering for you guys or for anyone who could read it. So I've seen that people write Trigger Warning, some write the topics (which I've found useful), and some change the color of the thread... I'm guessing so no triggering words are easily read? hahaha yeah, "one of those threads" hahahaha

Was it helpful? Or don't need to put them next time?

We always always always prefer to have a trigger warning there just in case than not there because our system can be very on the edge some times. With the white thing sam thought that it was a fantastic idea and even though the kids couldnt read it and wernt listening to what we was reading they thought it was a game. We was on a small androaid phone trying to tilt the screen, select and scroll! lol, was a mission but the reason sam thought it was a great idea was because any others who didnt read the trigger warning in time ( i am dyslexic it takes me a little more time to catch up and sam will be in front and b4 i know it , sam has read things b4 i have so i therefore know things without reading them!) so it really helped us prepare.

Part of us T.C made her feel like it was hidden because i shame that hid it- but we are getting into psycology and all now. I think it would work in a light gray just as well from our perspective.




The collective, thanks for your reply again i just wanted to say , you wrote

Some of us wants kids someday but as soon as we had them kids, them parts are going that's a certainty. I cant wait but I cant have kids right now. maybe never cause we're in huge conflict about that too. so basically it's another issue on hold.

We feel very much the same way. We used tohave an alter called maternal River but she actually intergrated with me! We felt this as great progress. Dosent stop the pain of the huge conflict but we felt it was a sign that we had accepted that it was a function within in us that we could do. We are sending our safe and kind thoughts your way.


thanks to both of you as always

Awesome partner you have. To tell you kindly you had changed into a different country.

Hadn't thought about what you guys pointed out. About Sam reading before you. Ha, I'm so glad he thought it was a good idea. And the kids, totally cute!! I should post a game for them to read, and play. :3 So Sweet.

Wish you guys the best, totally enjoyed this conversation that stopped being so serious and was really funny at the end. Sometimes, I get so serious talking about DID, that it awesome to lighten up the mood.

Take care.

Sea