Therapist diagnosed with possibly terminal illness

(I will add, that I am very upset and very angry, so if you are in a bad place, please do not read this.)

Well, I say possibly, but there is a very low survival rate.

I'm currently going through severe health issues which is putting me in crisis.
I had to talk myself out of commiting suicide the day before,
and then I got a phone call saying my therapist was diagnosed with an illness that will
most likely kill him before the year is up.

He will try and find me a new therapist, but it took five years for my deepest hiding alters to begin
to open up and trust him and it is so hard to find a therapist who actually knows
what they are doing with this disorder, or have any experience with it.
I can't go to any random professional, I've done so before and they treat me like a science experiment, more interested in learning about this disorder than actually helping me.
My therapist actually cared about me and it showed.

This is the worst timing- crisis, no therapist to go to, and now I'm grieving prematurely
because he is more a parent to me than my parents were. It's like losing a parent.
I think the worst part is knowing how painful and quickly this disease kills. I feel so badly
for him, and yet I barely have any strength to keep myself up right now.
And my alters will refuse to talk to anyone new for such a long time, I'm not really sure what to do right now.
He's taught me so much, but I needed his help. And it's ironic that although he's the person I need the most right now is him, and he's the one who needs the most help right now.

I am so angry at my life and all the twists and turns it has put me through.
I'm so tired of fighting all the time and never having a rest. I believe fully in the cruelty of this world, because the people I see suffering are the kindest people. He didn't deserve this. No one does.
I hate the fakeness of this world and this daily struggle I go through.
The only thing keeping me going is the fact that my SO is a truly kind, loving person who doesn't deserve the pain of losing someone to suicide. He has said before that if I succumbed to my depression he wouldn't want to go on. But I am so, so tired. Everyone tells me to be strong just a little longer... but I have BEEN strong, for years and years and years, and then stuff like this happens.
I take medicine to calm the screaming inside, but all it does it make it more bearable.
I wish I had never been introduced to the concept of a god, because it just makes me hate what happens to me even more. I am not an angry person, and it takes a heck of a lot to get me going, but now I am angry, and that says a lot.

I suppose I was hoping that writing this all out would be cathartic, but I'm not even sure of that anymore. Grieving is an ugly process, and I lost a parent to the same disease only a few short years ago. Everything has come crashing down, I cannot function today.

Broken_Mirror,I am soooo very sorry.I dont even have words to say to make you even feel slightly better.It just seems so sad and unfair.I read alot of posts on here,and truly do feel for everyone,but your post really hit me hard.(((hugs))) to you,and things will be OK.Im sorry for your therapist.He sounds like a truly caring man.Life just doesnt seem fair sometimes,and I can never figure out why such kindhearted individuals are thrown such harsh cards.Just trust things will work out.If you trust,hopefully your alters will too.xx

Hey Broken Mirror,

I'm sorry to read about your therapist.

Losing someone that important is extremely hard.

Wanted to tell you something. Through your posts I've seen his impact on your life. And through your posts his impact has extended to other people, such as me, and my friend.

I can only imagine what you're going through. Try relying on your SO, try remember the things he's taught you. Don't give up. We'll support you from here. I'll try to support you from where I am.

Sea

really sorry about all of this. I am glad you have a good SO and I hope he can be of great support to help you through all of this. I hope your t will find you a good new t even though I can imagine that you're totally not thinking about this right now.

Broken_mirror, I am so sorry. I know how painful this is for you because I too lost a special therapist to a terminal illness. At first she canceled sessions on short notice, then she went on leave, then for a few months it seemed all was well and we were back on track. Then she announced she had to retire immediately and the very next week was our last session. She was in fact very ill.

About a year later she died. The day that happened, no living person contacted me but I knew. I had an uncanny experience of her being with me and the following day I did a web search and found the very obscure notice of her memorial service.