Boyfriend with DID, advice

Hello, Everyone! I'm PrintedParadise. I'm new here.

I have been with my.boyfriend for a little over a year now, and I learned around 8 months into our relationship, he has DID.

I accept him, and his alters for who they are. However, I need advice.
One of his alters, Salvador, is the "nice" one. He is quite lovely, actually. He cares about my boyfriend. He absolutely adores me, and trust me with their lives. I am quite flattered about that. He is the one that took the time to explain why and how he was created and told me not to be scared. But. Unfortunately, this is the alter that is "weak" (his other alter says.) So, he does not come out as much. He rarely comes out.

His 2nd alter is quite an angry fellow. He is called "Muerte," (or also, Death in Spanish . My boyfriend is fluent in Spanish.) He absolutely hates me. He wants me gone. He says I am the reason why he (my boyfriend) suffers. (Salvador says otherwise.) Muerte is the strongest alter. He calls me a lot of names (i.e. stupid, c**t, pathetic, worthless) He is the strong alter that is Full of hate.
He always threatens to kill my boyfriend. It scares me. I'll admit, at first when I.did not know about the DID, when this alter comes out, I would argue with him. (First.few.months in.the relationship.) And that is why I'm sure he absolutely hates me. Muerte told me that he comes out when my boyfriend's spirit is weak. He tries to make deals with me and told me if I do not accept or follow through, he will kill my boyfriend. The last deal he tried to make was In order for the alter of my boyfriend to come back, I would have to kill 4 people within 24 hours.

I show love to my boyfriend everyday . We never argue. Usually what triggers everything is stress. He is living in a stressful enviroment currently, so he is having a lot of attacks recently.


I would like some advice. Like, maybe some Dos and Donts. What should I do when his angry alter comes out for now on? I've been reading through the forums before i made an account, but since every situation is unique, I'd like advice on my particular relationship.

Thanks in advance...
PrintedParadise

Hi Printed Paradise and welcome!! My SO also has DID and we discovered it together (I am a singleton). He as well has a very angry alter, which is a protector alter. These alters will say and do what they can in order to keep the main safe from hurt or harm. My first experience with my SO's angry alter was shocking because it was so different from how my SO normally reacts, and also how he looks and sounds. That was about two years ago...now when this alter hosts or fronts, we can co-exists. It took a lot of time and a lot of proving that I am not there to cause hurt or harm, only to love and support. When he would front, I would listen to what was being said, or actions taking place, and all I would do during these times is give reassurance to him 'no you didn't deserve to have those things happen to you', 'I understand why you have all this anger', 'I respect the anger and what it's purpose WAS' (key word is was in that statement), I would reiterate that I love him, respect him, value him, but mostly, I would thank this alter for everything that he took to protect the main, to keep the main as safe as he could. It has come to the point now, where we can almost joke around with each other...but it took time and a lot of effort and patience on my part...and I would do it all over again if I had to!!

Hi Printed Paradise, I am a female with a boyfriend with DID.

Yes, Muerte is your BF's protector alter, and his job is to protect the body from any harm...that includes love sometimes, or any strong emotion he feels your BF cannot handle. You will need to try to befriend this guy, but it will take a while...it takes him hearing over and over and over (and over again) that you are not there to harm him, that you have the system's best interest at heart and that you can be trusted. Not just in words, but in actions.

For example, if Muerte's deal with you were to kill 4 people first (don't flip out)...I would gently tell them that as much as you care about him and want to prove your devotion, killing people would be really mean and you're not like that. That's in simplest terms. Chance are he is not going to "kill" your BF because first of all, alters cannot be killed, second of all if he actually killed him, he would kill the body.

Never lie to him or try to manipulate him. Keep your promises. Be on time. They can ALWAYS tell. If you keep your promises, you will be easier to trust. Don't be judgmental, and always be willing to listen. And interact with whomever is fronting, there is a reason they are fronting, you don't need to ask for someone else, unless there is some danger to them.

Also, please don't be tolerant of the name calling. You don't have to argue with him, but that's unacceptable.

I know how hard this is. You are welcome to PM me if you'd like to talk.

My BFs protector alter didn't call me names or harm me. What he did was have a hard switch and take the body away. So...I'm a bit in limbo right now, but I would still love to help you if I could...

Thanks for the advice guys! I do have a few questions.

Can stress be a huge factor for these alters to come out? He is in an extremely stressful enviroment, that was once calm. But he still had altrrs comenout then

Also, what kind of alter is Salvador considered?

Could an alter, if they wanted to, harm/kill the body ?

Could an alter ultimately take over the Host?

Yes. Stress can often be internal too, even when the surroundings are calm. And even small external things that don't seem stressful to other people can be stressful. We also have alters that only come out when there's no stress [that I'm aware of] or at least no danger. For this system it's always been that we switch A LOT when under stress, maybe sometimes minute by minute. Sometimes one of us can also take over and put others on lock-down so to say and he'll be fronting for as long as needed/able.

Salvador sounds like a helper but we can't be sure. He could try to get stronger. He could try to get on Muerte's good side, cooperation. Once he would, they or at least he, could access Muerte's strength for positive use. But since every system is different I can't say if it would work with an alter like Muerte. We did this at one point and our 'angry' alter is now 'just a part of' our helper alter and at least fully cooperative so it's definitely possible. They've become almost inseparable most of the time. Took about 2 years though and our helper is our strongest alter. Maybe Salvador could try to find out if there's other alters in the system who are willing to be a team cause together they would be stronger and be able to offer more resistance to Muerte. It's no long term solution though but it may be a way to get through to him.

Yes. Some alters tend to think that the only way to really protect [body] is to stop living. Some just really want to die or kill the others. It takes time to realize and accept the idea that he would die too. There's alters who really do not realize that they are part of the body. They can have good reasons to keep this realization away.

Yes, the host is also just an alter. This would simply mean that the system would get a different alter on front. We have 2 or 3 real hosts now, used to be 4 or 5.

When Muerte tries to threaten killing my boyfriend, would it be wise for me to tell them that if he kills the body, he is also dead?
Though, Muerte is very rude and thinks highly of himself. He actually considers himself a "God" ... "The God of Death" to be more specific. So, basically anything he says, goes. Or else he will threaten to kill my boyfriend. I'm not sure if Muerte realizes he is not in his own body, and any questions I try to ask him, he avoids them. I want to show Muerte that I am not there to hurt my boyfriend, but he is not giving me a chance. He truly believes that I am the reason why he is always so stressed out, and he says I nake him suffer. Whichnis hurtful considering i love my boyfriend.

Thanks in advance ...
PrintedParadise

Hi again...

If you tell Muerte something like that, I certainly wouldn't challenge him. In my experience I'd be more apt to tell him that you would hope he doesn't do something like that, that your boyfriend does not deserve that. You can tell him that you'd like to get to know him better. Don't antagonize him. He has a function in that system; he could hold many memories of trauma for your boyfriend. Somehow you can let him know you appreciate what he has done for your boyfriend. Part of his job is to scare you off and sabotage the relationship. If you love and are devoted to your guy, don't let him do this. You'll become thick-skinned in the process, though..trust me.

Stress is a HUGE trigger. My boyfriend cannot handle stress and it makes him confused and makes him switch. There could also be many triggers you are not aware of, but will learn along the way. Certain scents, bright lights...any number of things.

I also cannot tell you what kind of alter Salvador is...does he talk openly and calmly with you about everything? He could be an ISH (internal self helper). I have talked with the ISH in my BF's system and he is calm, logical, and very open to listening and helping.

Yes, an alter can take over as the host. This is what happened to my BF. He had a host change and decided to leave. Can't tell you how heartbreaking that has been, I just hope he can switch back and come home.

I really appreciate you all giving me great advice, it really means a lot to me.

What can I do to make Salvador, and my boyfriend a stronger alter? Muerte causes a lot of problems when he is out (he is very angry and violent) and my boyfriend is basically being punished for sonething he has no control over. I really would love to have salvador a stronger alter without making Muerte angry and lash out!

Maybe it's possible to increase the communication between your bf and Salvador. But it's something they have to want. What do you know about how their communication is now?

I'm not sure if my boyfriend wants to try to contact Salvador. He barely accepts the fact that he has DID.
Muerte is even causing harm on his body, and of course, my boyfriend doesn't even remember anything! I feel so sorry for him.
Muerte wants me to have no social life at all to prove myself to him. He wants to bring me down.
Muerte told me, if I don't delete my Facebook and make everyone hate me, he will kill my boyfriend.
I don't mind not having a facebook but after a while, because of business purposes, I need it! So I am stuck in between what to do with that. I don't want Muerte to hurt him even more, but I also need my facebook to advertise my business!