Intro Post

Hello. I've been reading the boards for a few weeks now but haven't had the courage to post until now. About 7 years ago my therapist gave me an unofficial diagnosis of DID. My insurance ran out and I was unable to keep seeing her, or anyone else for the matter, so nothing was ever made official. Sometimes I think I use that fact to pretend I don't have DID, but deep down I know better. Parts of me try to ignore the fact that something is wrong at all. I'm sure many on this board can relate. It's like a never-ending cycle of admittance and denial that truly wears me out.

I suffered sexual abuse at the hand of a neighbor when I was 5 years old. I blocked it out, pretended it wasn't anything important and I never told anyone about it. When I was pretty small I can remember pretending to be other people, telling other children I was my look-alike cousin etc. I had a rich imagination and often zoned out pretending I was someone else/someplace else. There were a few times that I actually used other names to introduce myself, and used an "alias" in jr. high. I had a few incidents in my teen years where I blacked out and felt like I was watching my own actions from afar. I often felt displaced but never really knew why. I just ignored it altogether.

I battled with depression and was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Bipolar and PTSD. Just as it seemed I was getting better, some of my repressed memories started to come back. I went into block mode again and tried to make myself forget. My grandfather died not too long after that and then my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't tell when exactly I split but it was sometime during all that. I just couldn't cope and found myself letting other sides take over.

I was in the hospital several times for suicide attempts and finally after nearly 2 years, I guess whatever sides that wanted control so badly just gave up. I felt like a part of me died, and then I was left to pick up the pieces. It's been 7 years since the big split and I still deal with it every day. It's hard feeling like so many different people all stuffed into one body. What's even harder is that I deny it so much of the time that I don't allow myself to accept it and heal. I find myself reading up on DID, starting to try to find a road to acceptance and then shoving it all away in a back corner of my mind.

I'm unable to seek help at this point, but am hoping that by being here and opening up about things that I'll find some peace and heal just a little. It helps knowing I'm not alone and that others out there are dealing with the same things.

-Crystal

I am not quite sure what to say yet, but I wanted to make sure that I gave you a reply. For some reason we really can digest what you are saying right now. I will have to think about it and we will reply later.
Sorry...
I hope you are ok.
~Callie

Thank you Callie. I know I'm not very good at explaining myself sometimes, and it's alot to take in. I'm doing well at the moment, though, thank you kindly.

-Crystal

Cbeth wrote: Parts of me try to ignore the fact that something is wrong at all. I'm sure many on this board can relate. It's like a never-ending cycle of admittance and denial that truly wears me out.-Crystal

hi. hmm i also never said a intro post so i apology for that. oh well i relate to that you wrote. i got not much words to say. i cant keep denying i guess. but i have no idea what's wrong with me. hopefully you'll find good support here. if any we'r a bunch of chaos. but i'm sure some people here have better acknoledge of what's goin on. i would also like to apology for my suicidal alter. he should be somewhere else typing. but i can't control. welcome to the forum.

HI Crystal,
This is Amber. Callie is one of my alters... or little ones as I call them. She is really upset today and I dont know why, but she didnt understand because she was really upset. Anyways I think you gave a very good explanation, seeing as how difficult DID is to explain, and we all know what it is like so you are ok.
I am glad you decided to post, we always like new faces! And I hope that the forum provides a tiny bit of help to you.
Again welcome and hope to see you around.
~Amber

Remember you are not alone; hang in their and welcome to the site
enola

Thank you all for the nice welcome.