New here and struggling

I've had DID a long time. I struggle with daily depression and anxiety. I was married to a beautiful man for 24 years. He was my rock and my main supporter. ***trigger warning*** With no history or previous symptoms, he became Bipolar at age 47. In just over a year's time, he destroyed everything we had built in our marriage. He took his life 18 months ago. ***end trigger*** I am so devastated. My little parts don't know how to live without him. I miss him more than anything in the world. It was so traumatic. It reinforced all the deep fears my little ones live with every day. I really didn't think anything more horrible and traumatic could happen to me after surviving my childhood and adolescence. I believed I had paid my dues and that of a thousand others in pain in this life. I was wrong. Now I have no faith.
I do have a lot of good things in my life. I met a man who loves all of me and has been willing to go through all the ups, downs, and down furthers of daily life with a multiple. I have two beautiful children who are both in college and love me very much. I bought a small home and have no mortgage. I work part time. I have friends who love me.
My biggest problem is that my traumatized little parts lead my life and I feel terrified, deeply depressed and withdrawn every day. I fight daily to reach adult parts who are not in pain and devastation. My system is restructuring since the trauma with my husband's death. I am overwhelmed and I need help. I have a very good therapist and psychiatrist but I have never been able to help my little parts who hold all the pain and terror. I am so very tired. It takes so much energy to get through each day. I can barely get out of bed every day. I can be in a good space at night, but every morning, I wake up with my little ones in the forefront and they dread every single day.

Hello Willowember,

I'm sorry what happened with your husband.

Truly, what happened has been incredibly difficult. I'm sorry for your loss. Don't really know what to say, but wanted to tell you to hang in there. It is incredibly difficult, but I encourage you to keep fighting.

You've survived a lot; you built a home, a life with a loving husband. What happened with him is terrible, and I'm so sorry, and I'm sending your littles lots of love (if wanted). Maybe here you'll find something helpful for your littles.

Any how, I wish you can pass through this difficult time, and enjoy all beautiful things you mention you have in your life.

Sending you all my best.

Sea.

Hi Willowember,

Welcome to these forums, this might be a good place for you. I am very sorry too for what happened to you. A new trauma on top of old trauma can sure cause a lot of difficulty.
Have you discussed with your therapist yet when (and how) it will be possible to actually work with your little ones? It sounds like they might need or want some reassurance on when there will be time for them. Usually, this will not be until there is some strength and balance for living life now. I found this hard to do, afraid that it meant abandoning my little ones/parts. I could only build more strength with the help of my therapist reassuring me that he would not forget about my little ones. It took me a long time to see that I need reasonable skills for daily living to which I can return after I do difficult work.
Welcome again, and I hope you find help here.
Pob

Thank you for your responses. Sea, I really appreciate your concern, kindness and empathy. It helped me a lot. I feel relieved to know someone understands how hard and painful my husband's death is.
Pob, I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about needing to find strength and balance for living life now. That's something I am almost never able to do. I live in a state of trauma and dissociation. It's only been in the past year that I am able to experience the present moment more fully. It feels like a battle is going on inside. My traumatized little ones are grasping tighter to fear, pain and running the show now that I have found adult, balanced parts who love the moment.
I am really hoping this site is what I'm looking for to help support and guide me as I go through (hopefully) healing changes in my system. I feel very relieved to have found a place with others who have DID.
Willowember