I'm EXTREMELY Confused!. I could really use any advice.

This might end up being really long and it might end up not making any sense.
I'm not sure if it might be triggering or not.


So last thrusday morning I kind of "freaked out" ( I think that's what most people would call it)
Late wednesday night, I couldn't sleep at all, I started to feel weird, things started to feel weird. And I was becoming very spacey. I just sat on my bed holding Rumbo close to me. (Rumbo's a 3ft long huge stuffed st.bernard puppy.) But I was sitting curled up with Rumbo pulled close to my chest and my knees pulled up to him,with my arms around my legs. I sat there just staring at nothing. I felt almost empty, I guess I could call it that. I don't really know what the feeling felt like. It made me want to crawl into a deep-dark hole, which I was starting to go into the one in my head. I tried texting my friend but she wasn't up. So I was just sitting there with things feeling more weird. Then I suddenly got this strong feeling that I needed to go out. "Something" told me I had to go out.
So I got dressed (Not in the right clothing. I only put on a light hoodie over my t-shirt and it was 13 degrees out or less.) I got all my normal things. Wallet, phone, keys, and pocket-knife. (I never walk out of the house without these things, not even if I'm just getting the mail.) After I had everything I quietly left the house. I did all this in a zombie-like state. When I left the house it was around 3:30- 4am. I don't remember walking anywhere, But at some point there was this overwhelming feeling of being extremely unsafe. And I found myself at the High school. ( Probably because the high school is the one place where I normally always feel safe.) I ended up sitting on the sidewalk with my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs, shaking really bad, and somewhat crying.( I'm not sure if I'd really call it crying but I just had tears running down my face, not even alot, just a few.) I have know idea why but. I wasn't really feeling anything, like I was just spaced out into an emptiness, where I didn't feel anything.
I guess there were a few teachers that tried getting me to go inside. And "I" told them I didn't go there, that I wasn't a student. I don't know. I really wasn't the one talking. It was like I was sort of hiding and something came out to talk for me. I wasn't connected to anything that "I" was saying, I wasn't really even hearing it. One of the teachers was the one with ROTC (Mr.K ,I later found out that's his name) He was talking to me as he was heading in the building. I told him that I wasn't a student. He was saying some other things to me. Not quite sure what. Not even sure what he said in the first place. But after a minute he went inside. I didn't do anything, still just sat there, completely spaced out. I don't know how long I was sitting there before he came back out but. He just happened to come back out when D arrived at the school. ( D, is my best friend, who works at the school, He was one of my teachers my first year there. I graduated a year and a half ago.) Mr.K was saying something, I think asking if I'd go inside. D was saying something too. I'm not sure if he was talking to me or Mr.K. I think probably both. But I have no clue what either of them were saying. It was like they were extremely far away, but at the same time, for a moment it was like a horribly loud ringing noise. I was completely spaced in the far away emptiness. I could hear D say "Katherine" but it was like he was trying to yell through the fog. He crouched down in front of me and lightly touched the side of my knee. He kept his hand there for a minute ( though it felt alot longer) and He said "Katherine" again. It made me come out of it. (I don't know, it was just the way it felt when he did it and the way he said it. I actually felt it. Some how it cut through the fog and emptiness.) I didn't say anything, just stared at him and he then moved his hand away. I was extremely confused and didn't know what was happening.
But Mr.K said something. Then I was slowly going back in. And Then D said something, I'm not sure what because some part of me started to freak out alittle, Because Mr.K was standing to my left, he wasn't that close but close enough.and D was right in front of me and he was pretty close. It was enough for the part to get overwhelmed. I don't know if D noticed something, because he stood up right before I suddenly shot up and said "No. I'll just walk back home" And so I just walked off (Though in the wrong direction) They said something to each other but don't know what. I started spacing out again as I was walking. D started to follow me, Mr.K just stayed there. As D was following me, He's like "Katherine", once again yelling through the fog. I just stopped dead in my tracks and stared at the ground. Spaced too far to walk. D came up and was like "Will you just talk to me?" I didn't looked up but something came out to talk, something completely different from a moment ago. I just said "why?" Feeling far away and disconnected. He said "Because I care and need to make sure you're going to be okay for the day." I didn't say or do anything. So He started asking me "random" things. Probably trying to bring me back some. He asked about work and then he's like "Have you talked to K in a while?" (K , is my best friend, the one my age and that I can actually hang out with) I said yeah. he asked how she was doing. I just shrugged and said fine. Starting to go further away again. He noticed. and was saying some other things, not sure what. But at some point he said something about it being cold out and about that I must be getting cold, something around that. But I was just like "That's the point". He said "What do you mean?". I was staring off and said "That way I don't have to feel anything" or "That way I can't feel anything". He didn't say anything for a minute and I glanced over at him. He's like "I understand". I looked away and even though "I" wasn't there I knew that he meant it. that he can/does understand that. He then said something about coming inside and watching him do some work for a while. Another part took over, being submissive. I just shrugged and went in with them.
When we got in the school I just stopped in the hall by the stairs. D asked "Will you stay there for a minute." I didn't say anything just stared at the ground. Mr.K said something to me but I don't know what. They went down the hall to talk for a minute, though I could still hear them. Not that I was there to pay attention. But I did hear D tell him something about me being a former student. I just stared, When they came back Mr.K went down the hall towards the main office and D told me to come up stairs with him. I followed, slowly. We went down the hall to the teachers lounge, which was really weird, but I went in anyways. He sat down at one of the computers and said "You can sit down" I didn't, just stared at nothing. He's like "Or not" in a sort of joking tone. I ended up sitting on the floor like I was outside. He just looked over at me but didn't say anything. I wasn't there but I wasn't gone either. He was doing some work and suddenly got up and was like "Do you have a pencil?" I didn't say anything. "Or a pen?" I still didn't say anything. I could tell he was looking at me, he went around to look for one.He asked again "So do you have a pencil... Or maybe a pen?" I just plainly said "I have a pocket-knife, wallet, keys, keychains, and a phone." a bit disconnected from it. He stopped looked over and was like "Well, Then What Good Are You?!" completely joking, no doubt trying to get me to smile (That's what he does) and I did smile slightly. Right about when he found one they called him down to the main office. He was staring at me then went over to the door, which I was sitting close to. He's like "Come on, that's probably about you." I really had no feeling what so ever. I went out into the hall with him but stopped and said "No. I'm just going to go home." That part took control again. Having nothing to do with saying it. He came alittle closer and was like "Okay, but just come down with me for a minute." The submissive part came back, Didn't say anything just followed. When I got out of the stairway into the hall I looked over and there was a police officer standing there.
I just stared at the ground. Not really feeling anything, Not really there. I part that made me stop from walking off and talk to D, came back out to be the one to talk. The cop asked if he could talk with me privately. I didn't say anything, just shrugged. D was like "She's probably not going to say much" to 'Inform' the cop. (Because he knows me better than anyone else there. And since I wasn't really even talking to him, he knew that I wasn't going to say much to anyone else.) I just went in the stairway with the cop. He asked how old I was. "19" He asked if I had a ID, I just gave him my wallet. He called my name and whatever into where ever. I don't really remember much of what he was asking me. I don't know what he asked but I said "I just needed to go for a walk." He's like "Yeah but they said you were sitting on the side walk crying." I just said the same thing over "I just needed to take a walk."... I don't know it's all kind of foggy... He asked if there was someone he could call for me. "No". He asked if I had somewhere to go. I said "Yeah, home." He asked if I wanted him to give me a ride home. I said "No, I can walk." He kept asking me questions. I was confused and spacey. And wasn't the one talking. He said that he was going to stay until I wanted to leave (Since I obviously couldn't stay there all day) Ididn't say anything just went out in the hall and was just going to leave. D was like "Wait. Talk to you later?" I didn't stop, Just looked at him and said "No." (Part of me was slightly pissed at him. Not sure why. He didn't do anything.) I didn't look back just left, with the cop following me out.
Then I was just home. Don't remember walking (But I do remember it hurt like hell), I was just there.


I don't know. I feel like it was all just a dream. That's how it felt during the whole thing, Like I was just floating through a dream. I got home around 7:30am. I took my meds (Anxiety and sleeping pill) I went on the computer and sent D an email that only said " I'm really Sorry." At the time I didn't quite know why but I felt I needed to tell him that. After I just completely passed out.

And I'm SO EXTREMELY CONFUSED!
I don't know what the hell happened. (I've done things like this before but nothing that felt like that did.) I was seriously asking myself if I did just dream it but, the only reason I know that it wasn't a dream and it Did happen was the email I sent D when I got home. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't believe it. I'm having a hard time believing it now. It just doesn't make sense!
I feel like there are parts inside me that were fighting each other. Just scrapping it out.
I don't know...
I Don't Know...
I DON'T KNOW!!!

Maybe I'm just going insane...
Sorry this is really long...
I'm Just extremely confused and I have no idea if what I wrote even makes sense but...

Hugs, we know the feeling and like you, when we're like that all we want to do is keep walking, keep going, nothing going round in our head. The numbness, we were talking to our T the other day about it, and she says that maybe so much is going on at the time, that you have to disconnect from it, to not feel anything, to stop you getting overwhelmed with all the thoughts and emotions. I'm glad you got home safely.

Does your friend know you have DID? If not maybe an explanation will help them know just incase you end up there again....since you say thats a safe place for you. Also, there is a DID wallet card that maybe would be worth printing out and keeping so if something like that happens again you can give to someone (like the police) to read so they know what is happening http://www.pods-online.org.uk/resources-grounding.html It's not personal but its a start for people to know you have DID when you are unable to describe it.

The thing is I don't even know if I have DID. I haven't been diagnosed with it or anything. Not that I've really had the chance to talk to my psychiatrist about any of it. I'm not good at talking about these things. I've told my counselor about it and he actually called my psychiatrist, but I wasn't going to see him for 3 months. I'm gonna need an appointment soon, I forgot about my last one and missed it.
But I don't even know what it is. I've always had Dissociation. depersonalization, derealization, forget peroids of time/ conversations I just had with someone/ things that I've done. People will tell me I did something and I have no clue what they're talking about. I don't know it's confusing. Really confusing...

And D does somewhat know. He knows that I've had a problem with this type of thing, because I had an email incident with him a while back. So, I don't know. From what "I" know he deffently knew that something wasn't right. (Haha probably everyone did.) But He always just knows. We can just read each other and we understand each other for the most part. He just keeps telling me that it is okay. (through email.)

I don't know. I really just don't know. Maybe it's all just in my head. That it's not real...

hi there

wowza' that sounds absolutly scarey to the core. I was releaved to hear that you ended up some where safe and where people wanted to look after you.

Schools are strange places - i should know i was a secondary school teacher and from the inside they are more strange. Strange in good ways where you always feel there will be some one there that remembers you. More so there will always be some one there that will take care of you, if they know you or not.

I guess i'm saying this because from a teachers perspective, if i saw a young lady sitting on the floor with tears on her face, i would stop and make sure she is ok and more than that i would start a chain rolling that would insure her safety.... SOOO MY POINT and i will get there! lol.

You have a safe place and some one inside knows this. Thats why you ended up there. You trust D that is plantant and great. He sounds very intuative but i bet he has plenty of gaps he would like you to fill in. So what debetoile said about telling him whats going on with DID.....do it.
Yeah you dont have an official dignosis but you could explain that you suffer from dissociation, depensolisation and at times you space out and find your self places and dont know how you get there. Then and the most important thing..... tell him what you want him to do about it.

Do you want them to call the police again? You care givers? A friend? Or you could ask him to make you feel safe and let you sit until you get your barings. Maybe make you a cup of tea? etc?

I say its the most important thing because even though he is your friend, schools have a system. They are real tight about rules....which im sure you know! LOL. So the more he knows the more he can keep other peoples nose's out of it!! if that matters....


You said you sneaked out of your home. Do you live with your care givers? Do you trust/ can you communicate with them?

What debetoile said about the did info in your wallet, why dont you still print it out and if your worries about saying your did when you not just write ' i am under investigation for...'

More info is better than less.


I hope that all dosent sound like bull and in some way lets you know that you did amazing getting through it (during and after) and that there are ways to help.


O!!! i had an idea.... could you write to your alter that sent you there? ask why etc? get to know them, give them a voice? then maybe they wont feel they need to get you places again. They sound very anxious and worried to me.


all the best and respects

river

It's not that I ever really liked going to school, but normally I'd stay after alot and sit in the hall doing nothing. Sometimes My friend K and I would just hang in the hall after school. And we'd hang in D's room. I don't know what my point was trying to be but. I don't know. I've never truely felt save st home, and My home hasn't really been an unsafe place, but I don't know.
And I do still live in my parents house. But there is no way in h*ll I'd talk to my mom or my step-dad. And well talking to my brothers would probably be pointless.

riverside wrote:You trust D that is plantant and great. He sounds very intuative but i bet he has plenty of gaps he would like you to fill in. So what debetoile said about telling him whats going on with DID.....do it.

He's the one person I trust the most, the one person who's never hurt me in anyway. And I'm going to tell him or try to anyways. But I don't know if I want to do it right away. I kind of need to get some things together in my head first (or try to anyways) But He does know alittle about it, Like I said There was an email incident with him and "Someone else". So.

riverside wrote:Do you want them to call the police again? You care givers? A friend? Or you could ask him to make you feel safe and let you sit until you get your barings. Maybe make you a cup of tea? etc?

F*ck No! And D had nothing at all to do with calling the police. He told me That Mr.K, had called the police before he was even at the school. And He told me that he personally didn't agree with that choice, (Probably because He actually knows me and the way I am) but he said that Mr.K didn't mean any harm, that he felt that was the best way to handle the situation.
D would've just let me hang there for awhile, until school actually started. That's just the way he is. : ) He's great like that.

But I can't really write to them. They don't talk to me. Only the little girl talks to me or rather with me. The other's will sometimes say something to me or at me anyways. But They won't have a conversation. I don't know. And Honestly most of the time when "I" go out, it's the little girl. She only "comes out" at night, which is when she likes to "Play"..But I've come to an agreement with her, to some degree anyways.

I don't know.

i'm glad i was right about you having trust with D, having that person there for you is so important.

Totally agree get your head straight . The great thing with people who care about you is that you dont have to have your head straight or make sence for them to be there for you. Like i said i was ateacher but i was also a student.... I dont know your situtation so please dont think i am saying that.

I used to hate school , was bullied all the time but i found one teacher that was always there for me. He became my safe place.

It sucks that you cant confinde in your olds/ family but i also had the same thing going on when i was younger (im only 30 now so im not that old!! lol...i think!!!)

At night Sam my main alter would come out, dress like a boy and deal with night time but no one noticed. I could never get my head round the how large and nuts my internal life was but my family never notice?

I have only just started communication with the different fragments of my ego. One thing i learnt from Una+ was that even if they dont talk back they are listening.

We all have ego states, DID or not. Getting to know our selfs help to take control .... well some kind of it!

Write to them...... even if they dont talk back just trust they are listening, maybe over time you will gain trust with the different parts of your self and they will reply.

Have you heard or tried of free writing?

You have read any books about ego state thearpy? there is loads of information on the internet.... it has helped me so very much over the past couple of months.

respects

river

Yeah even if I can get my head somewhat straight, I'll still probably end up making no sense. I hardly ever do. I have a learning disability that makes explaining things hard, and following directions and alot of other stuff. But either way. Even if I make no sense what so ever he still listens, alot of people just get fed up with me and don't even try, not that I accept much anyways, but.

riverside wrote:(im only 30 now so im not that old!! lol...i think!!!)

Haha! I'm only laughing because in one of the emails he was saying "After teaching for these last six years and getting old (30!)..." Haha. 30 isn't old.

riverside wrote:Have you heard or tried of free writing?

I write all the time, and by all the time I mean ALL the time. I write stories and poems alot. But I actually also write to myself, kind of like a jounal. And I also write to other people. Sometimes I write to D. I wrote to my dog a couple times... I'll try writing to them.

riverside wrote:You have read any books about ego state thearpy?

I actually just bought a book earlier today. So.