Pondering (Aiden)

'She' = N

Why do I have to exist? She can numb out her emotions when she's stressed/overwhelmed. She can think/concentrate/research/etc. Why does she need me? Why am I here? Why do I exist?

I understand my 'role'/purpose/function, but isn't simple dissociation/depersonalization enough - her numbing out emotionally? Why does she have to 'switch' into me? Why am I a man? From the past it makes sense, but not anymore!

I am not fronting usually, which is good, because I am unable to feel anything towards J, the woman she loves, but I am always watching; I have almost always been closer than the others lately, though Jane isn't far behind. I know why. The system needs to maintain compartmentalization of their emotions.

J is dying. N loves J, needs to focus on that, so Jane takes the pain/fear/etc of J's illness. I am doing this for them. Compartmentalizing. Distancing the feelings. I am protecting N. N feels bad for Jane; she understands what is going on.

Perhaps it makes sense. N is not supposed to be numb. She is supposed to feel love and attachment and such.

Then I wonder if I am doing the right thing. They are not supposed to fear their emotions. Is N able to tolerate the pain of her love dying? I think this needs to happen the way it is. But N hurts for Jane, feels guilty that Jane is taking the pain. We cannot allow Jane to front. Or myself for that matter. Of course in such matters we are not in control. I think.

I am finding it difficult to think and hope that maybe somebody outside our system can provide insight?

In the past I have unintentionally hurt the system in trying to do what was right. For example, when the others were feeling out of control I obsessed for them to calm us all down, focused on how to fix them. Like with their weight, which niva had convinced me (and everybody else) was a problem to be fixed. So I researched on nutrition/etc/etc, but in the end we nearly destroyed the system via starvation. Or other times I was buying a handful of supplements to try to fix us/them, but in the end it was just a waste of money at best, and a burden on the organs and our minds at worst. My intention was to help, not to harm.

I exist to protect. To keep things under control. My increased presence as of late could be concerning? Or perhaps I am just needed, have learned from the past, and am doing good?

It is difficult to assess 'good' and 'bad' sometimes due to the absence of subjective emotions; I understand them intellectually, but cannot sympathize/empathize. But I exist to protect. I do not want to make a mistake.

I wonder, too, why Sonja is not around. It would make sense for her to be close, because she is triggered out when there is a fear of uncomfortable emotions, when the need to be happy is deemed necessary. Perhaps her jubilance would not be appropriate given the circumstances?

Why can't I think?

I know why. It's the Abilify (med). I know better than to decrease the dose of that though; I have made that mistake before. This is why I am posting here. I find it difficult to think, and am concerned that I may lack proper judgment; plus I am aware that the absence of emotions can affect my judgement in the sense that the presence of them would broaden my understanding of what is going on.

Hello there,

Wow- that is a whole lot going on.

When you say her love is thing to die. . . What is going on for to die?

Sorry if that is a silly question.

Also , if you were to front and help- what would be your game plan? You said before with the weight you tried to help and it went wrong. Maybe you could use your ability to not feel to look at things logically and plan how the system would work better with you. Maybe you could draw up a list of pros and cons?

Do you get on with anyone else in the system? Maybe you could work together?

Are there things that feeling to much are causing problems? Maybe you could work together and try and go Co conscious? Is that a skill you have?


I'm so sorry of all thus I am saying is total unhelpful crap. I just wanted you to know there are people here.
Safe hugs if wanted
River

J has stage IV breast cancer that has metastasized to her bones. There is a 50% chance she will live 2 years; a 15% chance of 5 years.

My game plan… I don't really have a plan. I just know that loves ones dying is very destabilizing for those who feel. So if I front I am protecting them from that pain/emotional awareness.

Pros:
They will not have to feel emotional pain. I do not understand the big deal, really; it is not a big deal to me, so I must deal with it better?

Cons:
-They will have to feel the pain as soon as I stop fronting…
-Processing emotions is healthy and normal and necessary; I have watched others within the system improve/heal/get better through doing so.
-Others outside the system will consider N/Jane's grief to be more appropriate than my absence of emotions or Sonja's joyfulness.

Despite the fact that my role is to protect the others from emotional pain, I am not attached to anybody within the system. It does concern me when they are overwhelmed though. I do not like chaos and disorder.

At this point the only person who is feeling too much is Jane, but that is usually the case. She is OK though. My concern is that it will become problematic in the future. Functioning is of upmost importance.

We are co-conscious.

I am here too… Sort of in the background… things are a bit blurry/fuzzy for me right now, so please forgive me if I'm not coherent… Thank you for replying to us, riverside. I don't know why I've lost my footing/am not fronting. J is going to be here in a few hours; I want to be fronting for her!!!! Or Sonja. I understand why Aiden is trying to protect us right now, but I don't think it's a good thing. I have cried for J before, and I was OK. And J was OK. I don't want for Jane to take on the pain I find overwhelming ! She already has too much pain! I want to be strong and to deal with my feelings. Aiden's presence is making me feel numb, and I want to be present for J!!! I want our face to light up when we see each other again, but if Aiden is fronting he will just be blank.. J has not met Aiden. Jane knows J, but J does not know Jane. J and Sonja know each other. I have described the alters as 'parts of me' (i.e. the 'self-hatred' or 'tiger' [J's words] part of me when niva was still around, or the 'school-girl' [J's words] part of me for Sonja, etc), which they technically must be, but they are not me. Aiden is not me. Sonja and Jane are not me… I want to be fronting! You don't need to protect me anymore, Aiden!

I'm really sorry to read J is dying.

I have so much mixed feelings, and I wish I had more answers for both Aiden and N.

As of now... Maybe trying to understand death as a step of life could help ease the pain for N.

When you mentioned Cancer, I thought about a video I watched:

The Beautiful Truth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlYin0U9qIQ

Don't know whether it works, and don't want to create false hope, but if it were me, I'd like to know if I had a chance.

I send you the best energy of the world, for you all, and for J.

Sea

hey there,

niva wrote:[color=#808080]J has stage IV breast cancer that has metastasized to her bones. There is a 50% chance she will live 2 years; a 15% chance of 5 years.

When i read your first post i thought you was being figerative about an alter of you dying that one of your alters loved.

I have no words that can come close to understanding what you and your partner are going through.
No wonder you feel as though you need to front and save the rest of you the pain.


[/quote]My game plan… I don't really have a plan. I just know that loves ones dying is very destabilizing for those who feel. So if I front I am protecting them from that pain/emotional awareness.[/quote]

Destablizing is an under statment. A totaly wipe out is just abit closer. Soul shattering, for sure.

[/quote]Pros:
They will not have to feel emotional pain. I do not understand the big deal, really; it is not a big deal to me, so I must deal with it better? [/quote]

Ok I totally understand this from your point of view but if you think about things in the long term, you all need to talk and care for each other. All takeing the burden. Because in the long run if you take all the weight , all the rest of you will reply more heavily on you in the end because the pain will be so overwelming no one but you will be able to cope.

[/quote]Cons:
-They will have to feel the pain as soon as I stop fronting… [/quote]
Exactly about what i just agreed with above. How ever - what a totaly and utter shock to the system, what a blow it would be.

[/quote]-Processing emotions is healthy and normal and necessary; I have watched others within the system improve/heal/get better through doing so.
-Others outside the system will consider N/Jane's grief to be more appropriate than my absence of emotions or Sonja's joyfulness.[/quote]

Processing emotions is totally how we heal, improve and better ourselves. More than this is what enables us to live as a whole in the long run. Being fragmented at a time like this, having DID at a times like this i can not imagine. Myself only experiencing diffciulties that dont compare understand how it feel to not know what part of you to take care of what thing and what part of you is apropriate for the situation.

I agree that N/Janes grief is very aproprate.

[/quote]At this point the only person who is feeling too much is Jane, but that is usually the case. She is OK though. My concern is that it will become problematic in the future. Functioning is of upmost importance.[/quote]


[/quote]You don't need to protect me anymore, Aiden![/quote]


Ok bare with me...


Your system was created at a time when things got to much for one person to deal with. You fragmented to help deal with every type of lifes situations. Now you find your self in a truamatic situation that no one part of you knows how to deal with.

If you imagine a team of footballers or care workers etc, all of them have there speciality. All of them are in ONE team because of each of them have a skill that enables them to make a better team.
If you was to allow ONE person to take on a whole football game - would they win or lose?

I guess what i am saying is a TEAM to work together has to do/ have several things


RESPECT , no one can work in a team with out RESPECTING each other or dysfunction happens

TRUST, each person in a team must, no matter what TRUST each other.

COMMUNICATION , easier said than done but if the left hand dosent know what the right hand wants how do you get anything done? Try eating spag bowl with both hands doing there own thing!!

I say all this because it is at times of crisis that I have to remember most to do the above three things. I can only look after some1 else by looking after myself/us. I do that by Respecting each part of me. I do that by listening to each part (if they want to commincate, if they dont it is there choice) I listen by using a journal...giving each part a chance to say there bit or just express what they cant say by drawing etc. I trust that what they feel is there for a reason. It is there because the WHOLE of me needs it to be there. By trusting each emotion like FEAR and Love, the positive negates the negative and we feel better (not that straight forward but do you get my point?)

I'm trying to say work as a team, each of you taking the weight. If Jane asked Aiden to back away, Aiden you need to TRUST her. RESPECT her.
Make a contract with each other that you will both COMMUNICATE regulary, maybe via a written form so that it dosent just bounce between you inside your head and dissapear. Its there in concrete. No one of you can take it back. All of you can ask for Aiden's help.


I really hope that all of that dose not sound total bull. We all have strength inside us in time sof great struggle. We are born to survive, it is in our DNA.

Be there for each other and you will be there for your partner during the time she needs you ALL most.

with great respect for all of you

river

Our post has disappeared and I have to go now. We are OK, and I want to thank you all for your support! It means a lot to us! We will reply again when we get the chance..

Oh, I get really mad when that happens.

I was really looking forward to reading you.

Glad you guys are ok.

Sea

that totally sucks but thanks for the update, apreciate it lots.
glad you are all hanging in there

river

Hi N,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am here too… Sort of in the background… things are a bit blurry/fuzzy for me right now, so please forgive me if I'm not coherent… Thank you for replying to us, riverside. I don't know why I've lost my footing/am not fronting. J is going to be here in a few hours; I want to be fronting for her!!!! Or Sonja. I understand why Aiden is trying to protect us right now, but I don't think it's a good thing. I have cried for J before, and I was OK. And J was OK. I don't want for Jane to take on the pain I find overwhelming ! She already has too much pain! I want to be strong and to deal with my feelings. Aiden's presence is making me feel numb, and I want to be present for J!!! I want our face to light up when we see each other again, but if Aiden is fronting he will just be blank.. J has not met Aiden. Jane knows J, but J does not know Jane. J and Sonja know each other.

When I read what you wrote about Aiden being more at the front and feeling numb I thought of what I've read about other people who experience shock and tough situations, and I think it's normal to be a little numb.

I have described the alters as 'parts of me' (i.e. the 'self-hatred' or 'tiger' [J's words] part of me when niva was still around, or the 'school-girl' [J's words] part of me for Sonja, etc), which they technically must be, but they are not me. Aiden is not me. Sonja and Jane are not me… I want to be fronting! You don't need to protect me anymore, Aiden!

They are not you, but they're parts of you and I think they will always be with you, even when you're fully healed and they're integrated. It's just then they won't feel separate and will work seamlessly with the rest of your integrated self.

It's so hard and I completely relate to you wanting to be at the front, but perhaps right now at times you naturally need to feel a little numb to deal with the situation – and if you were whole and fully integrated you would still feel a little numb. I think that perhaps Aiden is more connected to this resource you have (as a whole) of being able to detach from emotions a little, and that you naturally need that a little at the moment – it's just that's not yet integrated.

Look after yourselves

THank you all. This is technically Aiden's thread, so I wish he were around, but he hasn't been. The first time we tried to respond he was here, doing most of the writing, and I can barely remember anything he had to say, except that he doesn't understand why I care for J/choose to be with her, that it annoys him how things aren't getting done/are taking forever to get done, haha.

I have a healthy understanding of death, thanks to Cedar/Cedar's integration. I realize it's a natural part of life, inevitable. Having almost died before, I know that dying can be very peaceful, as long as you don't fear it. I want that for J, for her to die in peace…

Respect - I do respect the others, a lot, though it is of course always scary when I am not longer in control of 'my' life, when they take over and I am watching.

So Trust is harder.

Communication is easy, because we are co-conscious, though at times like this I wonder…

Is Aiden thinking/feeling/awake/present without my awareness right now? Or just sleeping? I think the latter, but I don't know.

Sonja is here. Jane is here… Aiden was here a few days ago. Actually, I remember something else Aiden said in the failed attempt at posting here weeks ago - that he had to take over so we would eat, because J was sleeping and I didn't want to leave her.. So that is good We need to take care of ourselves if we want to be able to take care of J. I remember him taking over the body and it being strange for him to have his arm around J; I remember his confusion over why I choose to 'waste' my time with her.

I love her. And that love is stronger than the fear/pain of the cancer. She is getting sicker. More pain; more debilitating fatigue. We are all very afraid, knowing that the cancer is very aggressive, knowing she probably won't live 2 years, maybe not even 1 … Her next bone scan is in about 2 weeks…

I made eggs for her this morning , for the first time (I am 28, haha!); they were overcooked, but I am trying/learning . (we had AN for many years)

J has received a lot of money from her life insurance, enough that almost every alternative treatment is an option now . But it is difficult to choose. There are evil people out there who are willing to feed on desperate people like J, who have nothing left to lose… Plus which one will maybe help? She doesn't have enough time to try them all, or money for that matter, assuming her attempts prolong her life a bit.

We are praying for a miracle.

I am never home, so I can't promise to be online regularly, but I will be when J leaves for Europe, or wherever the next treatment takes her. I am curious as to what Aiden has to say about all this!