alone

*trigger warning*

The feeling of being alone has really started to creep under my skin over the past weeks.
This totaly crap of not sleeping at night is the instigator.

It is so cliche depression but it rocks in so meny different ways than depression for the singles.
Or maybe is is just me and my ptsd?

I have found myself being so hyper in a little river way when ever i enter a supermarket!!!! I then just brake down in tears because i see an old man fall over.... dont worry my partner and a nice young man managed to catch him before his head hit the floor.

The next moment i am crying and holding onto my partner in bed , and getting upset that they fall asleep when im wispering that i need them!!! it slike my voice is paralised...... like i cant speak up.

The same with in the supermarket.... i'm in my wheelchair and im pointing at things and clapping my hands and singing.... im 30 years old and getting excited about candy!!! My partner has to keep telling me to put my arms in because i'll hit myself!!!

It sounds funny, it feels so funny but inside i'm saying STOP STOP STOP"""" but i dont stop part of me is loving it but STOP..... you need to stop.... no? No.

Then i'm being sprung out of bed, like a 20 yr old with no physical problems (did i mention im in a wheel chair?"?") Its like s pring is under me and before i know it i am out of the room..... in the kitchen and in the living room....inside i see myself moving and doing and yet i then wake up!!

I wake up buti was already awake?!?!?! WTF is that about?

Yet i say i am alone -------- i'm alone in a stupid place full of me, lots of me in different stages of growing up. Even a bit of me that is older...... a mother.......


Sorry i am ranting or writing because when i write this i am talking to you. You? Who? I have no idea.
Maybe you dont care? MAYBE YOU THINK what A FU*KI*G NUTTER NO WONDER YOUR ALONE!!!

Well at least no one has told me that truth so far.
Thanks to those who have been so kind.

if you think you are alone now, i can show you what lonelieness really is. I give it a twist and you'll tick and then you'll squirm and feel really low.

I can show you to past and not let you think

I can make you tick and twist and then you will think you are fake, not real and not in this place

ill make you fade away into that place that you never want to face

I'll tell you how much you hate and that you are really fake

YOu are so stupid thinking that you care about all this, you are so small and you cant reach that handle, you cant close that door, the past has sealed your fate, you want me to stop writing but i want you to underrtstand here is not your safe place.



feel that lump in our throat that is you knowing i am right

I read your posts. Yes it's true that the members of this site can't fully understand everything fully because each person's experience is unique to them and not everyone will have the same symptoms but the best we can do is try to give support. From your posts, the most interesting thing I saw was you not needing your wheelchair to move around. I know that alters can have different physical and emotional feelings and properties and I wonder if that's an alter that doesn't have the physical problem that you have which allows that person to be able to run around the house energized. In response to the second post, yes the past molds every person into who they are today but facing the past can help you heal. Acceptance is a big part of the healing process. I hope this helps in some way. All we can really do is offer the best advice and support possible.

i have this sickening feeling that i just lost it....

major sorry

thank you though- thank you very much for replying

I think the second post is a total 100% representation of the yoyoing i'm doing at the moment¬¬!!!

You're welcome and there's no need to apologize. We all have our moments of uncertainty where we bounce between states of confidence and doubt but I'm sure you'll be able to pull through it and we'll be here to support you

regarding the wheelchair - its a run and hide thing who gets me out of bed or to eat sweets.
I only ended up in the wheelchair 5 years ago - its not like im running round---i think!!! lol


and thank you again for being understanding. I will get through and you have helped me just snap back into here actually.... me thinks a little slip of teenage angst hit me ....except im 30!!! lol

I'm glad I was able to help

I know the feelings, feeling alone, imaging your body can do things as easily as a child can, getting excited over something yet having no control to stop yourself. I don't think you're crazy, I think DID is a crazy thing, confusing, full of rules and things that make no sense, follow no patten, you think you understand something and bam another thing stops making sense. We say DID is a journey.

hi debetoile

thanks so much for your post -

i am sorry you know the feeling but also so glad that i am not alone. I have not read any one else put it as we have . It is a feeling for me that has become more reoccurent.... the more i start to try and intergrate.....

its like my littles know it is safe to be voer excited and hyperactive and they are making up for lost time....

im just glad my partner is understanding...it gets a bit...well loud and not good when you have a head ache!!!

I just wanted to say I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now. I hope you get some more sleep soon.

It can be really difficult sitting in a wheelchair when there are child parts who don't know or understand why. I was in a wheelchair for a good while but thankfully out of it now. It was difficult for the child parts that most of all just wanted to run around. It takes time for them to get used to too, really.

How are you doing now?
I'm thinking of you.