Being in a relationship with someone with DID

Hey all,

This is my first time coming around here... Just looking for some advice on how to cope with some things. I should probably mention now right off the bat that this story will definitely contain some triggers.

I am currently in a comminted relationship with my partner and have been for almost a year now. He has DID with 10 alters. Throughout the year we have been together, I have only met or interacted with 1 of these alters. My partner has a pretty good control over his alters and things aren't usually an issue, with the exception of 1 alter. This alter came into being much later then many of his other personalities. His ex used to disolve valium in his mouth and make him inhale valyrian root and do other ###$ up things to him so he wouldnt wake up while he was sleeping and he could rape him pretty much. This alter is a very sexually driven personality. He constantly uses social media outlets (Grindr, Scruff) to flirt with and send pictures of himself etc to other men. Any time my partner is alone without plans and such, this alter takes over and actively tries to meet other men to have sex with. I have an extremely hard time dealing with this and dont know what to do about it. My partner is sometimes aware of what his alter is doing but not always, I told him about a couple of instances I found out about by going through his phone. He is just as torn up about all of this as I am and does not like his alter trying to dictate his life and doesnt want to mess anything up with me etc... I guess my biggest fear and where a lot of my trust issues come from is the fact that I never know whats going on or if my partner is being honest with me and this really is all his alter (I believe him to be an honest man). I don't know what kind of advice im looking for.. Just wanting to talk I guess. I love my man dearly and couldnt bear the thought of losing him.

I can understand your issue with trust. Have you two considered family counseling with someone who has experience with dissociative disorders, PTSD, and impulse control issues? It'd probably help a lot to discuss it all openly with a knowledgeable and experienced mediator.

Hi Tylendel. Welcome to the DID Forum. It sounds like your partner has a fairly typical sex alter. This is not unusual for many of us, unfortunately.

The only alter in my own system that I lose time to is a sex alter. She does not initiate sex but she is triggered by a subset of horny men. Most horny men I can handle on my own but now and then I get caught off guard. When that happens poof I "come to" and find myself in the middle of a situation I don't want to be in. I am married. When we were courting I told my husband all that I knew about my "problem" of losing time. Neither of us knew it was DID. He is absolutely sure that I do not lie to him, but we are not a typical couple. For one thing, since long before we met I have identified as polyamorous.

Many significant others do doubt the truthfulness of the multiple, and often they have good reason to doubt. Some multiples do have alters who lie, who are unfaithful, etc.

Tylendel wrote:I guess my biggest fear and where a lot of my trust issues come from is the fact that I never know whats going on or if my partner is being honest with me and this really is all his alter (I believe him to be an honest man).

I would say trust your gut. No doubt some people in your support network are telling you he lies and to kick him to the curb, but you have far more information about your partner than they do. Decide what to do on the basis of what you know about him. He might lie a lot, sometimes, or never. In any case, the host is not in complete control (or there would be no DID) and thus cannot guarantee the good behavior of other alters. You stand a better chance by approaching this sex alter directly, finding out who he is and what (he thinks) he needs, and courting him. Of course your partner may experience your having sex with this alter as you cheating on him. Also, beware: many seemingly adult sex alters actually are deeply traumatized child alters.