trigger warning - nightmares and night time

hi everyone -

First off I think this whole thing is going to be one big triggger in some way or form for most - sorry.

i apoligise up front for this frustrated rant but it is more than a rant. i guess by sharing my little ritual of the night time sagar that maybe others will have ideas to help that i havent heard off or maybe that by just getting it out there and heard tonight/today wont be the same.

TRIGGER WARNING # TRIGGER WARNING #TRIGGER WARNING #TRIGGER WARNING #TRIGGER

So my childhood was a typical one of a dysfuncinal family but i was very luck to have a very loving and caring mother.
My father was a drunk and abused my mum pysically and sexually and of course mentally. I think it was the mental torture that made things so bad for me....no scrap that it was all $#%^. But it is the phsycial flash backs of the bodys fight or flight function that sucks alot now.

I used to think it was my dad that touched me in my bed at night , it was only last year that i infact through a bizare and unplanned conversation found out it was a baby sitter. My parents with whom the conversation was with, had no idea the information they were telling me was of such importance.
Suddenly things fitted about the flash backs, the memories that didnt fit when i thought it was my dad.
It was such a mix of emotion, suddenyl things got alot better for me because i didnt have to face or speak to my abuser over and over again. Sudenly i was free from the bizare rollar coster.... not for long of course.

NIGHTMARES

I stopped having nightmares of my own abuse for weeks after this reverlation but then i was triggered by something, who knows what now and the nightmares. terrors flooded back.

I started EMDR and WOOOOOOOW did that fuc@ with my brain and i had a massive flare up of my symptons. For the first time ever i asked my SO to call my T on servearl occasions. It was only in my last appoint ment that i realised my T did not realise the extent to which the EMDR had triggered me from the start - she thought it was the last session that had caused so much problem.

We have been on our own for so long, its not in my nature to reach out for help unles im on rock bottom - my t obviosuly didnt know me. I wasnt just like ' o my good i have a t now, i will just call up once a week because i can' i was at rock bottom and my partner was having to go off work to look after me to stop me self harming.

ANY WAY - NIGHTMARES. The emdr sorted my nightmare of this one occasion out,,, YAYAAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYY . i CRY but of course our wonderful brain thinks of other ways to torment us.

so - THE INBREEDING BILGE WAY SPILL

I can feel this pain, a burning, i look down and i am on fire as i touch myself to put the fire out my skin slips off. I am being chased by a dozen men wilding knifes and other sharp things i am caught and stabed- i actually feel the pain as it go's in and out. I manage to escape onto a boat /platform thing but it sets alight. so not only am i set alight so is the boat. i HAVE ONE CHOICE BUT TO JUMP INTO THE WATer. As i just i drift into a mazzive oil slick and it from my first person perspective...the oil is stuck all over my body, my mouth , half my face i can see it all over my hands- i'm going to die - im going to drawn- i know it- i know it for sure - i can feel all those things that you feel when you think youa re going to die for real - i grab out to swim and i grab hold of somethiing- i am now aware of body parts, human bodies all around - i am in a oil slick of death- i start to get pulled under ----

I wake up in my bed room totally disorintated, pulpertations and jump out of my bed, still feeling as though i am in danger - i can hear the telly my SO is in but i am afriad of who i will find - thank goodness i find my SO, it takes me all day to reocover and then the saga starts again


NIGHTMARE - the evil spirt within

I am at my parents house and a stray dog is in the house, chasing the cat, i chase the dog out to find my neighbour at the door - I am so shocked to find out i also only have apair of knickers on and so dose my SO who is standing next to me. My SO sticks with me though all the nightmare - thank goodnes. My neighbour dose not register my nacked state but wants to tell me to keep away from them because they are having a kids party on there front garden?!"?!?! OK - fine......

I turn back into the living room andi am sitting down as i start to feel this buzzing, tingly pressure on my upper arms and lower legs, like someone, some people are holdingonto me but i start to be pushed to the ceilng. In my heart i know what is doing it -

it is evil spirts!!! I know i have to tell them to go, they have to go if i say, spirits are not truely ever evil just misunderstood!!! I scraem and scream and plead. As all this is happening my family is having dinner right under me!!!!! I plead for there help but no responce - they just stare.

The spirits let me down and i run up stair to find a giant mirror- i see myself and i morth into something else - my face - its me but not me- i have been pocessed / taken over by an evil spirit - I chant and scream for help and all my family say is ' what are we ment to do?'

tHEN I GET THE EVIL spirit out but it jumps to my nan as the ream repeats as i try to save my nan my whole family are meet by dozens of strangers and they start to morth into clock work toys....

Ok so all this might not sound like much but during and after when i am awake i believe it is true - i have to touch things when i wake, animals, walls, everything, drink to feel my body etc and its like being traumatised all over again.....

then it is night again and i am up....
if i fal to sleep i wake every 90minutes on the dot and throw myself out of the bed into the house and wake up somewhere doing something...... nothing i can do stops my body doing this!
If i dont sleep at night , as soon as the sun is up i fall to sleep and sleep the day away

i am so sorry for that long post.... i just needed to vent it.... get it out so that when i try to sleep tonight (again) maybe i willl....just for getting a boit of it out of my system...

Those are truly horrific nightmares. I'm so sorry for how real they feel and how hard it sounds like it is to ground yourself after you've had one.

I almost never remember dreams, and I'm not any help here with how to manage them. I'm glad you have a caring SO and I hope your T is able to dial things back with the EMDR or stop till you feel more stable. Does your T have the upper-level training in EMDR that deals with dissociation?

Goodness, I hope you start having some easier nights.

thanks for the reply Caeri

i hadnt got the courage up to go back to bed yet!

I was actually greatful for you telling me they sounded horrific - i have been told and have only recently realised i dont give my feelings the credit they deserve.

My T and I stopped EMDR when i completly lossed it and we had a one to one and lanned to do ego state thearpy because i told her i wasnt ready for emdr. We had a break of 5 sessions inbetween deciding not to do it for sure doing just basic CBT.

I had abreak with seeing my T over christmas - christmas has been full of triggers and i think thats hy it is so bad at the moment. I didnt think it through when i said i wanted a break for christmas before beggining the ego state thearpy! she is trained hypnotist and EMDR with all bells and whissels - its just me that wont do the emdr! I am to scared of completly going off the deep end.

Thank you so much for just reading this and giving me support. It has truely helped.

Ahh. It sounds like a tough time to be therapy-free. When do you start back?

It sounds like she does indeed have all the bells, whistles and credentials. Just last night I started reading a book that covers both EMDR and ego state therapy. I don't have an EMDR therapist, though. I hope once you settle in with your T again that the ego state work will be a good fit.

I can imagine what an emotional state you must wake up in after dreams like those. No kidding, those are ghastly.

Caeril, hello there.

River fast sleep on a sleeping pill, totally out of it-well almost!
What is the name of the book you are reading? We would very much like to read it
We are seeing t on Tuesday so in four days which isn't to bad.
We are freaking out because we want to tel her everything but are afraid she will think we are making it up.

There is a part of us that reads alot, alot! I'm afraid she wool think I'm making it up and just need to make sence becausE I read stuff .

But then I think that we Ruud tell and showall and let her be able to make informed diagnosis instead of holding stuff back! Arnt we ment to let her in? What's the point of showing journals if you edit them?

Got to go river is waking and then we won't sleep.

Kind wishes to all