Unsure what to do.

It's hard to know where to start writing. I'm not used to using forums either, so bear with me.

For as long as I can remember, I have dissociated, predominantly derealization and depersonalization but I feel really unaware of the extent of my dissociation. When I was fifteen I spent 11 months in a psychiatric hospital, and here I was told by a psychologist that I experienced dissociation, though it was never something that was highly focused on during my treatment. I was diagnosed with 'emergent borderline personality disorder' during this time, and it is difficult to know weather that is what causes my dissociation and identity problems.

At seventeen (I am now 20), I had a realization that I was transgender (female to male), I have had gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember, though I remember being aware of trans people for a while before identifying as trans, and I always felt intense doubt that I was actually 'trans', I just knew I wasn't female and I needed to be in a male body/male role to feel comfortable, although I have started to question if my dysphoria comes from dissociative problems.

I never considered the possibility that I may have DID/DDNOS until around three months ago, although I knew that depersonalization and derealization were a really big issue. I also struggle with identity, and really feel that I lack identity completely, although I tried to suppress this feeling as I transitioned because of the complications of transitioning whilst being involved with mental health services. I was put in a position where I had to lie about my mental health as my CMHT did not understand transgender people very well, and told me I could not simultaneously have mental health problems and be transgender, therefor if they acknowledged my mental health problems I would not be allowed to see a gender clinic.

Over the last year I have just started to come to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, although this was only one event. I still speak about it quite matter of factly as it still in many ways feels unreal. I had my first relationship a few months ago, and when we had sex, it triggered some really awful feelings in regards to this.

I have at times felt almost co conscious or as if there is another entity in my head, though when this began to happen, in july, there were no clear voices or thoughts when I got this feeling.

I have always heard internal voices inside my head, and they have discussions, and sometimes I can't make out what they are saying clearly. Recently I have become more aware of them, they are like thoughts but they aren't my thoughts, they will be speaking and then I will suddenly be aware that they aren't my thoughts but voices speaking out loud, internally.

I have also felt a sense of another person, who's name has appeared to be Nicholas. I feel this happens when things get too difficult for me to cope with, such as if I have really high anxiety, or if I am experiencing a lot of derealization. They've spoken minimally, about how they were to look after me/take over from me and help me. I feel ridiculous though because I find all of this so hard to believe/think about, that every time I try to find out more about this I try to stop myself, as I can be very self critical and I'm afraid that I've fabricated it all out of nowhere.

Sorry that this is so jumbled. I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking for, I just needed to get this out of my head. I do have supportive friends, though I'm not sure that they understand and I think they perhaps think that I am over thinking this, and it's invalidating. I have more appropriate people I could discuss it with but I don't want to put any of this on them.

Hello lostboy3. Welcome to the DID Forum. Your story is similar to some others' here. For example my own. I am physically female but have a prominent male alter. I became aware of DID, and that I myself am a multiple, only in my 40's. For decades before that I had often said that sometimes I feel like I am a (gay) man in a woman's body.

The usual next step for someone in your situation would be to get a professional evaluation of your dissociative symptoms. There are several high-quality diagnostic instruments for this, starting with a screening test, the Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES). We have a thread about the DES here, where you'll find a link to an online version of the DES and you can share your score if you wish. The two best diagnostic instruments for dissociative disorders are the SCID-D-R by Marlene Steinberg and the MID by Paul Dell.

Thank you for the reply. I feel incredibly reluctant to see a professional, though I think that this is something I am going to have to work at over time. I have had a look at the dissociative scales a few times before, I will have a look at them again.

lostboy3 wrote:I feel incredibly reluctant to see a professional

Doesn't everyone? It takes real courage to start psychotherapy. The start is by far the hardest part, for most people.

Yeah, you're right.