Dissassociation? or something worse?

I need help, desperately. I am a 34 year old male. My histroy of mental illness is long so I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

Ages Birth-19-- no issues, normal and healthy.

Ages 19-22-- Diagnosed with Major Depression, Panic DIsorder, and OCD.

Ages 22-present-- I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me.

Growing up I was your average kid. Teen years I was very popular in highschool, had lots of friends, pretty girlfriend. Did not expereince anything other then normal bouts of being depressed and anxiety. Struggled a little with my identity but what teenager doesn't.

At age 19 I started having homosexual thoughts. I want to make this very clear, they were NOT enjoyable. They were ego dystonic. They started giving me panic attacks. Went to see a Psychologist and I was diagnosed with major depression and OCD.

19-22: Turned into a sort of Alpha Male so no one could ever label me as "gay". Still very heterosexual. Despite the obssesive gay thoughts, I could still look at women and find them attractive. Did not find men attractive in the least.

22-present-- something totally went haywire in my brain. My mind started seeing and making men feel to me the way women used to feel to me. On the other hand, my brain started making women feel to me the way men used to feel to me. Very disstrestful as I started wanted to go up to girls and buddy punch them razz them-- pretty much wanted to treat them as if they were men. Vice versa- I started wanting to go up to guys and treat them respectfully and romantically.

present-- My mind doesn't know whether its coming or going. I feel like I'm a woman now. I look at pictures of myself and it just doesn't register that its me. I look at women and I feel like I'm them. I watch football now and I feel like I'm watcing porn. I feel like I'm not even in my body, Like I'm outside of it. Aside from the sexual/gender issues, its also like my mind is working overtime to think and feel the exact opposite of how I should be. I've been on almost every kind of ant-psychotic and anti depressant there is. I need advice, pointers, anything...cause if I can't make this stop and live in reality, then I'm going to have to end the pain and confusion completely. Its affecting my job and my family.

I want to make it very clear that in my formative years I was never molested and never confused about my gender or my sexuality. Growing up I new I was male and I was very attracted to women. But now when I try to think of women sexually or see myself as a man, its like my mind is doing everything to prevent this from happening. What is going on?

I can't exactly diagnose you -not a therapist and it's also against the forum rules- but it does sound very confusing.. however, the question is why you think it is such a 'bad' thing. Both gender and sexuality can be very fluid. I'm a woman and I always felt like a woman, but I used to think I was straight until I started becoming very attracted to other women, romantically and sexually. I currently have a fiancée and couldn't be happier with the relationship.

Wouldn't the best thing to do be trying to line up your feelings with your actions? If you feel romantic thought for men, why fight it? If you feel like wanting to act like a woman, do it. It'll only make you feel worse when your own actions don't feel right. try less holding onto what you think you should feel, and feel what you do instead.

-- Mon Dec 23, 2013 3:07 pm --

That being said though, maybe you'll get better answers if you post this in the Gender Identity Disorder forum, which can be found under 'Sexual'.

TO my understanding, gender Identity disorder is something experience since childhood people "knew" they were born the opposite sex since they were kids"-- thats not what is going on here. I never felt like I was a girl growing up.


And it also sounds like your telling me to just go with my feelings and line my actions up with them. What if I felt like I was really Napolean Bonoparte and it was my duty to conquer to the world? Should I carry out those actions? What if I discover I was extremely attracted to trees and plant life? Should I have sex with them?

My brain is diseased, it tells me lies, I know that they are lies but the lies feel like the truth. It just so happens the lies are centered around a sexual nature.

Thanks for trying to help.

Anyone else?

I'm not commenting on whether or not you are experiencing dissociative symptoms, but I can relate my own experiences with gender problems connected to DID or otherwise. I came out as transgender years ago and have spent a lot of time in the trans communities off and online including involvement in the activist and managerial charity work for lgbt. It's a common misconception even within lgbt that transgender feelings must begin in childhood. Those who experience gender dysphoria as children are known as primary transgendered and those who emerge later on are secondary.

However, there are cases that secondary gender dysphoria is due to passive influence from alter identities who are close to the forefront, which brings about the feelings of confusion. I have come to suspect that this is what I have been experiencing, though I may be a male aspect; I had only brief phases as a child that I felt I was male therefore I am secondary, or an alter.

It is possible a female alter has been influencing you. It is slso possible that you are secondary transgendered female. Both possibilities can be very uncomfortable to come to terms with; it is up to you to do some deep thinking and work out which feels right. That is not always the one that feels better.

Borderline personality disorder can also cause gender confusion. Sometimes psychosis can do the same although this normally involves a loss of reality testing.

The thread title asks "Dissassociation? or something worse?" I would say no, neither. None of the symptoms described are dissociative. Note that I am commenting on symptoms. There is nothing diagnostic in this.

It sounds like there have been many trials of medication, all unsatisfactory. For dealing with such ego-dystonic obsessive thoughts and negative feelings as you are having, I can recommend talk therapy.

Talk therapy helped me resolve the severe obsessive compulsive symptoms I experienced in the aftermath of my DID crisis.

I could be a woman if I wanted to. When I dissociate, I can be anything I want to be, to some extent, but I have not desire to be one. I did at one time talk like a lady to this one lady who was bothering me and bitching at me, to throw her off balance.