Anyone else get this?

I was sitting in my car the other night. I had finished work (I, the host work as a Chef) got in my car, drove to a secluded place and sat there in complete silence and darkness consumed in my thoughts. I had every intention of going to a secluded place after work to gather my thoughts and try to get most of the horrible flashbacks of childhood abuse out of my head. It didn't work much as, half and hour to an hour later (I'm honestly not sure as I can't recollect time), I was crying profusely and eating a cheeseburger.

I felt slightly aghast as I couldn't remember what had happened and where I'd gotten a cheeseburger or why I was crying. This happens to me quite a lot. Sometimes I've even gone out and people come up to me and chat to me like they know me, but I don't know them and they get quite hurt and angry at me. It's really hard trying to fill in what I did in that time. I'm really starting to question everything that I do. It's becomming quite hard to concentrate or believe myself. I get quite paranoid. When I think people 'look at me funny', I assume I've switched and have done something weird, or nasty or something out of the ordinary. It's really messing with me!

I've even had cases where I've switched into Ned (the angry, sociopathic, nasty and horrible male alter) and fought with my partner and laughed at her crying (she informs me after I switch back and am in shock as to why she's upset and crying). I feel so horrible and guilty.

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning as the day drags on I am really tired for no apparent reason and I often think that perhaps I switch and go off and do things in the night whilst i don't even know. Has anyone else gone through this and then gotten proof of you actually doing something? Was it good or bad?

I have recently got my diagnosis of DID and for the first time after MANY misdiagnosis' it felt like the missing puzzle piece was fitted into it's place. I do see a psychiatrist and psychologist regularly. I honestly thought everyone had voices like I did. I thought that was people's thoughts! I knew automatically I could finally get the help for this life time struggle. I'm only just discovering how many alters I do have. Also, does anyone have any advice or any methods or things that would help in anyway? I'd truly appreciate it.

chanola wrote:It didn't work much as, half and hour to an hour later (I'm honestly not sure as I can't recollect time), I was crying profusely and eating a cheeseburger.

Actually, in a way it did work, albeit in a weird bassackward kind of way, as you lost time. That is what passes for a solution. It is not the solution you intended, in fact it is no solution at all, but this is how DID works. Losing time was the best solution the very young you was able to come up with, and it worked then.

You are a chef. So, was this cheeseburger from a drive through fast food joint? "Food" that you would not eat?

chanola wrote:I felt slightly aghast as I couldn't remember what had happened and where I'd gotten a cheeseburger or why I was crying.

I know the feeling. Only in my case usually the circumstances involve some horny guy who has approached me and while I lost time there were, shall we say, unfortunate developments. On "coming to" I have to deal with that.

You could carry around a voice activated recorder, and monitor yourself. Find out what goes on whenever you are gone. If your cell phone supports it, turn on GPS tracking. See where you go. This is scary though, isn't it? How at risk are you? Do you ever return to find yourself in physical danger?

chanola wrote:I often think that perhaps I switch and go off and do things in the night whilst i don't even know. Has anyone else gone through this and then gotten proof of you actually doing something?

Oh yes. Many of us have alters who are active at night. Some even go out partying. I personally do not, although there have been a few occasions when I have woken up to find myself walking in the dark somewhere in my house.

You are just recently diagnosed. My best advice for you would be to slow down, take it easy. You have a long and wonderful journey ahead of you.