Miss my out time. Miss my person

Hi I'm a part of this system. I don't wanna say my name.

I used to be out all the time. It was basically my life.
But then somewhere we decided we couldn't live with the constant inner chaos and started going to therapy.
My boyfriend (at the time) and therapist told me that it was time for me to let the original out and to start trusting her.
Eventually I decided maybe disappearing would help her relationship.

But when I came back months later, they had broken up. I felt devastated. He was MY person, I chose him, and she blew it up. Or maybe he did.
Now she's with someone else. I'm trying to be supportive. He is actually a lot nicer in a lot of ways but I still miss my person.

I have been out a lot the past few days, hogging up her free time and making sure she can't do her homework. I just need lots of out time to process everything that's happened.
I miss my person. I've been spending some time with the new one and he says that because I'm a part of her, he loves me too. He's treated me very kindly, and doesn't treat me like a kid like my person did.

I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. She seems very, very happy with him.
I've even convinced him to take me out for food (although I did have to kind of push it a bit).

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I just miss my person. I miss that I had a life.
He might have been a little messed up. Maybe we didn't get along so well. But he was MY person and I chose him, despite his flaws. He was my choice!
I'm wondering if maybe things would have been better for me if I kept her inside and did everything for her.
On the other hand things are a lot quieter now. I guess everyone's been going to therapy. I guess things aren't so chaotic anymore either.

I'm still a little shocked so much has happened without me, in a life that used to be mine.
i guess things have changed for the better. But now I guess I know how she feels when she realizes that she hasn't lived most of her life.
Because I'm sad that it used to be mine.

I don't know how to get over being sad? I came out to talk to my ex. He held my hands and told me he loved me but it didn't work out. How I am still his special person. How he's still going to be there for me but in a different way. I know he loved me the best because I'm the one who chose him.

I miss him. I guess he's still there, and has open invitation for me to talk and be his friend, but how dare he tell me everything is gonna be ok, only for me to come out later and find out they'd broken up.

I really need a rant. I guess thanks for listening. I did get ice cream and hugs from the new guy the other day, and he let me be myself.
So... if I can grieve, maybe I can be ok with these changes. Maybe if I get time to cry and get over what happened, I'll be ok. Maybe.

We can relate lots. I hope you can get used to this guy and the way life is now.

I have it that same way! I don't like this new person at all! And I'm upset. I decided I have a right to say how I feel too. Why do I have to get along with the decisions someone else made? I'm starting to figure out that made some decisions that got undone. I'm not participating in this relationship. If it gets messed up that's fine with me. I know what I had got messed up

Thank you, grief and loss. Seems you were sheltered from the immediate loss for some time. Our grief surprises me at times. Your words are eloquent. I shared them internally to our parts that have difficulty expressing verbally. Sometimes our art practices help on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis but it is good to read the words for this great sadness.

Well, I have to add something. I am the significant other of a man with DID who left ME. One of his alters sabotaged the relationship after many years. One note: he is not in treatment, so I believe his amnesia barriers are pretty high. But, this is not what I wanted either! I got along very well with all of this alters, except apparently the one that sabotaged the relationship who told me he felt old, was bored and needed more excitement!

I don't know how long he will be gone or if he will ever come back. I will be here if he does.

Broken Mirror, how many months were you gone before you woke up and found out you had broken up?

I'm really happy to read some supportive responses.
It feels like I can't really complain because it's not my life anymore, but it's good to hear what others think too and to get it out of me.

TheCollective, I think I need time to adjust. I haven't been out much since the original started taking control of her life. So I haven't had the time to grieve. It's like waking up one morning and being told that you missed a death that happened long ago.
And it is a death... the death of my relationship.
I need that time to come to terms with what happened. I think regular people have that problem too after a breakup. It's just weird for me because it happened without my knowing, and it happened a long time ago!

coolhandluke, I believe you when you say you have a right to say how you feel too. I was really upset that I wasn't being heard, and that I wasn't getting any "out" time anymore.
I was really surprised the other day when I came out to write this, that the original took the time to ask me what was wrong.
I'm upset that it isn't my life anymore, and it's not my decision, but she said she'd make time for me no matter what. She said there are things that need to happen or none of us can have fun (responsibilities, yuck). She said that I don't necessarily have to help with the things I don't want to (Like homework) but if I need the extra time to think and process, I can help her finish those things.
And I get a small portion of time everyday, no matter what, that is just for me to do whatever I want to do.
So we're going to try that for a bit. She's not counting my time writing on here right now as part of my time, because she thinks that this is important for me and that time is just for me to have fun.
I think that we all have to give input towards these decisions.
I'm not happy that we left my person.
I'm allowed to voice that, and give suggestions, and have my opinions respected and heard.
But I'm not allowed to hijack the system and ruin things for her, because it ends up coming back to bite me in the butt in the end (somehow, it always catches up to me! Probably because we're in the same body)
You don't have to participate in the relationship, and you are allowed to be upset about it.
It can be really upsetting to find out your decisions were changed.
If you can, ask your host to let you give input before any decisions are changed, and that you know about them before they're done. That way you can at least give your opinion.
I feel better knowing that I at least was heard, even if it doesn't always go my way.
(Life never goes your way 100% of the time anyways. I managed to get some ice cream yesterday though!)
What I'm trying to do with my out time, is to get to know this new person. We can be friends, or I can spend alone time doing fun things like drawing comics.
Sometimes we can't see the full picture. (I can say this because we were integrated, but only for a short time! Now we're back to normal)
Because we can't see the full picture sometimes we can only see one side of what happens.
I know I'm upset because I miss my person. It feels like it's a personal attack on me and my choices.
"Why did you guys go blow this up?!"
But it's not one person's choice. A relationship takes two people. I have a feeling it would have blown up anyways, even if I was around.
That doesn't mean I'm not still sad about it. She's not sad about it, because she is happy in her new relationship.
Ugh I am just going on and on. I am sorry. I just want you to know that I used to try and mess things up for her I used to be so upset too. I used to feel 100% the way you feel now.
It's just that I am learning that fighting the system is not helping me in any way.
Me taking more out time actually ends up hurting me in the long run.
Because when we share a body, actions taken against others are really against ourselves.
It doesn't matter if we don't agree or we argue all the time.
The best option is to try and learn to work together... because it really does benefit if you end up making good choices together.
I know being with my person is a bad idea. I'm still sad... and I'm sad that it's not my life anymore,
but I am happy for all the good things that have suddenly popped up, too.
I just really, really need her to give me the time to be sad about all this and figure out what to do. Whether it be to help her with things she needs done and to spend my out time doing fun stuff or what. And I think I'm going to get it. I mean, I am actually getting time to write this out!!!
It would be fun to have my own life again, but I don't want to go back to the chaos we had of everyone fighting each other! Nothing got done because none of us could ever agree.
And because nothing got done, none of us were happy.
I think the only time it's "good" to take over the body is when someone is going to do something dangerous, like trying to hurt themselves. It's good to get them out of danger. We have someone that usually will kick in and help us that way.
She's happy now. I think I need some time to be sad and to figure things out before I can be happy too.

Creative, I think a lot of people don't realize that they are stuck in a form of grieving. I find that when I place the word "grief" in the place of all the crazy feelings I feel as a result of trauma, it suddenly makes sense. The jumping from all sorts of emotions is exactly like the stages of grief. It's like we are frozen in time, waiting to grieve our pain and our losses.
I find art helps me too.

Patience, I was the "alter" that chose my person, but then also ended up pushing him past his limit. We were in therapy and she ended up trying to take control of her life, but couldn't undo the damage that was done. Her patience and hard work weren't enough. I went inside for a period of time, hoping that me being gone would help heal the relationship. But when I came back out, they had broken up.
I am still scared sometimes that it is my fault.
I was always pretty loud and pressing boundaries. He always said "It's ok" and I didn't believe him.
So I kept pushing until he snapped. Saying he was old, and boring, and whatever I could to get a reaction out of him. I wanted to prove that it wasn't always OK. Telling him I'd flirt with other people, to see how he'd react.
Oh I was so terrified to find out that there ARE limits.
I always thought a good relationship there were no limits and it was always YES I love you.
But I was wrong.
I found out that people without DID can't be awake all the time, and they can't just switch to make it through things. They take time to come down and to process things. We can just switch and get through it.
All while telling him mean things, I really did love him. I was just so, so afraid that the "everything will be ok" was a lie. So I had to prove it wrong!
...but in the end, we wouldn't have worked out anyways. I can say all I want that it was my fault, but I came out to talk to him and he said that we both had our own problems that needed to be healed.
Did your person have a host switch? I used to share the front with a couple of other alters, and it was pretty chaotic. When we went into therapy, our original slowly started peeking out and then we eventually trusted her enough to take over completely. She seems to make good choices.
So I had control of the body for years and years and years. Was basically my life, except I was running it for the original, who now takes care of it.
Before treatment we had no co-consciousness. We'd wake up with huge gaps of time missing all the time- part of my job was to take pictures to fill in the memory gaps.
I was gone for... hmm. Over a year, I think.
I am sad that you feel that you will be waiting for him. It reminds me of me being sad for my person.
I want to say everything will be ok, but if he's not getting treatment I don't know if he can come back.
I know people without DID need some sort of stability.
I learned this because our constant switching upset my person.
(I am using a lot of I's!)
Stability is how people normally bond to one another. I am happy you got to know his parts.
Um, what I'm trying to say is just think of yourself right now.
If he's left there isn't much you can do, he might not even be aware it happened.
You need to fill up your own loving meter.
I don't want you to be sad like my person was.
I want you to know that maybe he had an alter like me, that rebelled. And that we can be pretty darn stubborn! I was the most stubborn of the lot. I'm actually kind of proud of that still.
I've kind of gentled a lot since I got talked with a lot in therapy, oh I have completely forgotten where I was going with this.
Just don't do anything that ends up hurting you, like never loving again if he doesn't come back. I would hate for that to happen.
I want all persons to find happiness. And not the bad sort of mean happiness! The nice kind.

Thank you for talking with me everyone. I end up trying to help you all too.
I know I'm not perfect but I am trying to do well in my system.
Maybe I have been kind of annoying lately (not letting her do her homework or chores) but I am trying to figure out how to be good and help out.
On that note, I just remembered the ice cream they left me. I think I'll let her do her homework ... after I have a bit of yum. That way I get something nice for me, too!!

Thank you for replying to every one of us, that was so nice.

I don't blame you and I don't blame my boyfriend either. I know the system (his at least) is set up to protect again anything, and sometimes that includes safety and security and love I think in his case love = fear, or abuse. So I don't blame you for pushing his buttons, it's part of the territory. He used to test me all the time; maybe he still is.

My guy told me I was boring too, ha ha...but I think that was a teen telling me that. Were you a teen when you told your guy he was old and boring? Just curious, I don't mean to get too personal.

Yes, I'm trying to do healthy things and do things for me, not pacing around wondering when he'll come back. But I miss him greatly. I don't know if he had an actual host switch, or a hard switch. I tend to believe it was a hard switch because he is not co-conscious and I don't think he'd be making any agreements inside, and he was utterly exhausted when the other one stepped in. But yes, he switched so he feels very little pain (if any) of our relationship. Funny too, because the one that lived with me was so happy he had a home, and stability.

I think your system is very brave and I commend you on how well you are coping.

Patience, yes I'm a teen. The host/original isn't, I think she's old too. Lol
My age can change but I don't get older, I get younger.
So yes I was myself/my age when I called him old and boring.
Older people are too stuck up sometimes and have trouble having fun...
...of course I only said this to him to push his buttons because it was funny.

I am happy you are doing things for you. I hope that you find some relief and begin to feel a bit better eventually.

Thank you for thinking we are brave!
I'm having some fun knowing that I am getting some out time now

Thanks for letting me read this all.

I just want to throw something in really quickly, I'm (we're) really glad to see so many people talking about self-care.

In the end, ALL that matters is YOUR health (host and system), safety and well-being. Take care of yourself and your system, because if we start neglecting those things then we are doing more harm than good to the system.

I think it's wonderful that you're looking at your emotions and feelings and figuring out how they all work together. In the DID world this is so important, but many times I know it's not something we can do.

Anyways, I find a lot of hope in this thread despite the subject, I see a lot of positivity here. I like that. Be well everyone

Broken Mirror, girl,

I'm really touched by what you wrote. Specially when you said that you know people without DID need some sort of stability.

I was dating a guy who had DID. Yesterday, I told him I couldn't continue whatever it is we had. He never wanted labels, so we were going out, but I never knew what I exactly I was to him. I still love him so much, I love all his alters too.

I was dating an "alter", though I'm having difficulties stating this, 'coz I think all of the alters are part of one self. Any how, he was not the one who was born in the body.

There were many factors 'coz I couldn't continue being with him. 'Another alter was dating someone else, and an open relationship was difficult for me, though I tried it. My guy (Gatsby), who was in control of the body, now had each time less, and less time out 'coz Evo (the one with the other relationship) wouldn't let him out. And a new alter (Sahara) appeared who seems to be interested in another guy.

As I saw things, the whole system didn't want to be with me. We were (I think still are) friends with Evo and I was (am) looking forward to getting to know Sahara, and Avatar (the one who was born in the body).

I think that what is going on with his system is similar to what was happening with yours. A lot of chaos. And I hope he eventually goes to therapy.

I'm sad 'coz our relationship as lovers is over, but I'm so happy for what I lived with him/them. Getting to know them, learning, learning about my self, facing my worst fears.

It was a very difficult decision ending up the relationship, 'coz of how deeply I feel for him. However, I felt, and I saw I was contributing to breaking him apart 'coz the whole system didn't want me. And as many have stated it is important to take care of one self... And I was suffering, with the open relationship and with the low amount of time we had.

Broken mirror, girl, you are pretty mature with what you say about grieving and about wanting your person, and others to be happy. Gatsby used to say that. He wants everyone to be happy. I think you've rather learning from the situation and digesting it. And with what you wrote, you've helped me too. I see a part of Gatsby in what you wrote.

All the best!!!

Sea