Who Can Help with this? Alters want more out time!

I'm a year into my official diagnosis. I go to therapy regularly. I am now trying to exercise more, eat better. I am engaging in meditation activities, calming activities. I have quit alcohol (I was an abuser), I am a medical marijuana patient and it is the best 'medication tool' I have discovered for DID and it's the only one I use now, getting off all pharma meds over the last year.

I won't get into the system, there is a LOT going on and I need to do a big update, but here's my issue.

Since being diagnosed I am discovering the alters, learning the system...there is co-hosting, co-consciousness etc. There is awareness, but still memory lapse almost every day and the first 15 years are still gone.

As I continue to develop myself (I am 40 btw) and get more in my 'inside world' to work, the more the alters want to become more prevalent in the outside world. Some of them are feeling cooped up and want the same freedoms that I have to come and go.

This is an issue for two reasons:
A) There has to be rules...Guilt and Anger have short fuses and cause problems.
B) (trigger warning) THIS IS CRAZY $#%^ MAN! c'mon...they want out MORE now? All day long alters come out for a peek, hang for a few minutes, then another may peek, then I get to come back, but now some are asking why they can't dress the way they want...talk the way they want...be more active.

Is this progress? A good thing? Should it be nurtured? I'm only getting a real handle on everything I am and how to react with it all...I could go deeper, but..no.

Does ANYONE know what I'm talking about and is there ANY advice out there?

Thanks everyone, hope you're all enjoying a quiet Sunday.

Alexa: I see why they may want out more. We had this problem in the past. I personally think a few minutes is a little unfair, and not nearly enough to enjoy being out. They have as much of a right to the body as you do. You have the body all day. Surely there are some days where you don't need to be out.

One thing we did was schedule a time when an alter could be out for a few hours or the rest of the day, and they could do whatever they wanted. We usually schedule these when we're going to be just in the house alone and unlikely to see other people. We have a rule though that if they want to go out, they can't draw too much attention. For example, the one usually out has a Southern accent. My sister has a completely different accent, so when she interacts with other people, she has to talk like Kat so people don't wonder what's going on.

Another thing that we do is give an alter a job if they want to be out more often. This could be as simple as "You'll cook and eat dinner for today."

The general rule in our system for alters not being able to talk or dress the way they want is only because it'd draw attention that we don't need. People would think we're nuts or that something's seriously wrong if we did that.

I hope what I said helps in some way, and I hope that you all can sort this out.

chococat159 wrote:Alexa: I see why they may want out more. We had this problem in the past. I personally think a few minutes is a little unfair, and not nearly enough to enjoy being out. They have as much of a right to the body as you do. You have the body all day. Surely there are some days where you don't need to be out.
I hope what I said helps in some way, and I hope that you all can sort this out.

Thanks Alexa, I never thought of it as unfair to not allow the alters more time, I have always felt it was my job to keep them from coming out, of course I'm learning to change my terminology and also the way I treat them.

Scheduling seems like a great idea, and it may even be a good responsibility tool for some as I (host) have a hard time self-scheduling. To be honest I've never thought too much about this topic until it became an issue internally.

I really appreciate your advice and I'll keep you posted on our progress.

M

We can relate. Totally. This is why we are determined to integrate. Fusion with the host means living full time in the real world, means no more lost time, no more getting stuffed away somewhere inside. No airy fairy fantasy castles in the mind.

We do sooooo muchhhh time juggling. trying to avoid grumpy fits where people are feeling left out of outside stuff because then person X gets angry about person Y getting to do thing 1 when X didn't get to do thing 2 and then oh no, boo hiss whine . So that is where the scheduling and all that comes in.

when Lola was working at the shop which was sorta her dream job, Rochelle was pissy because that job was "dull" and she wants to be a funeral director. If i am playing guitar but Linn wants to paint or ell wants to write or D wants to take pictures....unless there is a science miracle where we can pop out into robot avatars, doing all that at once is impossible. So life gets kindergarden style: sharing and more sharing. or else the mental sandbox will have lots of tantrums. :p

but like, proper timing is kinda important. If you're a lawyer or something, Little Susie popping out in front of a jury singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider would be suspicious so thats a wrong time - tho sometimes that sh*t happens anyways so you have to shrug it off. Anyways when time permits, share it.

galaxies wrote:We do sooooo muchhhh time juggling. trying to avoid grumpy fits where people are feeling left out of outside stuff because then person X gets angry about person Y getting to do thing 1 when X didn't get to do thing 2 and then oh no, boo hiss whine . So that is where the scheduling and all that comes in.

Can I ever relate to this. Growls, to boos, to curses then laughter in a few seconds.

Thanks for sharing some of your insight, I appreciate it.

Right now our system is trying a let anyone who wants to be out out approach. It can get a little chaotic on some of the more switchy days, but not fighting each other for control/to stay in control has left us a lot less exhausted.
Right now anyone who wants to be out can be out as long as they don't injure the body or others. It's been quite peaceful inside because there's not that scuffle every time someone wants to be out and is being prevented. We have a pretty large system, but we're starting to see that even some of the people who complained about wanting to be out more (we had the same problem as you guys a while ago) don't come out nearly as much as everyone else thought they would. -Myra

Familyof3 wrote:Right now our system is trying a let anyone who wants to be out out approach. It can get a little chaotic on some of the more switchy days, but not fighting each other for control/to stay in control has left us a lot less exhausted.
Right now anyone who wants to be out can be out as long as they don't injure the body or others. It's been quite peaceful inside because there's not that scuffle every time someone wants to be out and is being prevented. We have a pretty large system, but we're starting to see that even some of the people who complained about wanting to be out more (we had the same problem as you guys a while ago) don't come out nearly as much as everyone else thought they would. -Myra

Thanks! I've found since writing this post that there is a lot of curiosity over fronting more. AND, I've had 3 new alters surface in the past few days, granted I have had high triggers and anxiety. But so far it's not been as bad as I thought and it is in a very controlled environment.

It's a learning curve and is starting to feel like a revamped system. I'm running with it for now and taking it day by day.

I am also into a year of my diagnosis and I am experiencing the same thing with my insiders wanting to have more time out...

For me its like they want to "experience" the world in a way they never have before...they are very curious about things. It can be difficult when they pop out unexpectedly when they get exited or see something they like or want to be a partaker in....

Having internal meetings about taking turns has helped a lot because they know they will be given a chance to be out when it is safe.

I also try and create safe opportunities when they can come out....like having coloring books available at home, movies that can be watched at home, and let them wear what they like while we are at home, etc...giving them some freedom in our home helps a lot.

I also have a friend that they all feel safe with and who will keep us all safe if any insider wants to come forward while we are with her. She allows them to be "themselves" and its healing for them, especially the Littles.

I hope these things may help

VanessaG wrote:I hope these things may help

That sure does Vanessa. I've been extremely reticent to get so involved with them as to bring home supplies they may like, or entertain them with activities THEY want. But that is slowly changing...exercise and being outdoors really has helped a lot of them and myself communicate, so that's been a great help.

Only now am I starting to value what they CAN be, and really believing that they helped me through some dark times, with accepting them means I am accepting that I really was those persons all those years, and that the pain is real.

But it's healthy, even in the darkness, in the last three days I have had three new alters appear. But now, I'm allowing myself to let them be more active when out, be themselves. I'm not so scared of sounding like someone else (or a WOMAN!), I'm not so hesitant to allow the angry ones to voice that anger...

Sorry, I'm rambling. Your advice was great, and it echoes what i read a lot of, that it's okay to have outfits, colouring books, kids toys etc. It's all for the greater good, and the individual happiness and well-being.