Intro Thread - Hello!

I'm an alter, they call me '14' and that's fine, though I take the host's birthname (this is a really long thread!!). I kind of want to choose a name, but that will just make the host think we're faking it MORE. I don't see anything wrong with naming yourself, it represents who you are, I think everyone should get to choose their name at a certain age or keep their old one. Dogmonster doesn't want to start a thread because they think everyone hates them/they're faking it since a year ago they thought they were schizotypal and wanted to post in that subforum though we've been cleared of schizo-spectrum disorders via testing, and were once sent to a schizophrenia specialist who later thought we had DID! : o (our sessions ended abruptly though, I was in school and it conflicted with appointments... there's could be another reason, though: SABOTAGE ! <:0 )

Tonight I was watching a 'Teen Idle' music video (I really like Marina and the Diamonds!xD) and all of a sudden I could FEEL what the song meant to others, what it was like feeling those complicated adolescent things where emotions overwhelm everything. A part of me wonders if this 'not feeling things' is just an aspect of growing up? But I act so antisocial (in the traditional sense of the word) and not responsible, in short, I don't act like someone who integrated their emotions after a turbulent youth, which is what I assume people mean by 'growing up' is figuring out how to function with and handle emotions rather than destroying/separating from them. I didn't even cry when my pets died, which is something Old Me would have been sobbing about (I cry a lot, over everything!). It was a little scary how little I felt, if somebody else saw it they would've said it was 'out of character.' Pssh, like they know me!

Dogmonster just feels helpless, they try to substitute technicalities over emotions and it's their way of caring, but it's still freaky. They can't connect the feeling of hunger to the urge to stop that feeling, so they compulsively overeat because their cues of 'when to' are all messed up. When I'm hungry, I want to eat! They...can't do that? It's weird. They also try to sound nicer than they are, which is weird. I can't tell if it's alters influencing them or their attempts to appear more 'normal' and reveal less.

Sooo... I thought it was rude to just show up out of nowhere and start replying to things like we know it all, even though we're just figuring out stuff ourselves and the lines between each of us are blurred (it's more a constant state of compromise/stale-mates, and a lot of putting forward/taking back). Like, right now, I want to say all this and everyone here seems to nice and supportive! Dogmonster will look at it whenever we come back down (it's not a switch from me -> them so much as a gradual fade I have to actively fight against), and they'll get really really frustrated that I post this. I keep trying to out them in public outlets, (because I'm here and I'm me and I think people should know that!), but whenever I do they think
a) it's nobody's business but ours, no matter what this is just our ways of communicating with ourselves and trying to stay functional (and failing!)
b) we're faking it, we're elaborate actors following some enigmatic universal script to try and manufacture drama/humor we're missing due to isolation (or, as they once said, "something between jekyll & hyde and abbott & costello"). We got into a fight about watches, where 'I' like this one when I'm here in my apartment but when we went out they didn't like it anymore, they wished we'd gotten the ugly one instead...they want to appear different to different people, it's a pain v_v;
c) they see forums as a really big deal, because they see EVERYTHING as a big deal, so something that - to me - is just a convenient means of interaction they view like an outsider looking in, which I think is common with people like that: making broad assumptions about the 'grass on the other side', substituting imaginary scenarios and relationships with REAL ones because they don't want to expose themselves to hurt.

But this weekend I said really upsetting things to my stepmom that were inappropriate and I felt NOTHING. And I hate how my family will probably look at my current behavior and try to figure out what's wrong with me lately rather than look back at how I've ALWAYS been!
I recently went through old journals and uncovered ***trigger: drugs abuse*** a benadryl habit I'd wiped from my memory : ( It was really upsetting because I thought this was a new problem that started in college, not something I tango'd with before. It occurs to me as abnormal to forget a drug addiction - I only remembered it as some fiddling with advil that proved fruitless but I'd made a big deal about in my personal writing/poetry as if I had a habit because I was being melodramatic, turns out that was just another of my current attempts to invalidate my past feelings, pretending nothing was ever really wrong until now and I'm just floundering because I'm lazy. ***end trigger***

Every way that everyone feels at that moment is all they ever want to be. I want to be like this forever...when I change, I want to be that way all the time. But right now I like this, I like feeling things >.< It's fun!!
I'm nervous about posting this, but I'm going to do it anyway . It occurs to me that whenever we write something, if someone who didn't write it is out they avoid it like the plague, they don't want to be associated with it at all . I also found out there's an alter who will straight-up lie to my friends trying to make memories that aren't there's, just 'cause it sounds more interesting in their head, and when people say 'remem ber when you...' they make a funny face because I CAN'T because it didn't really happen!! sorry, i'm talkative.
(I noticed when I'm like this I have a hard time clarifying my subjects in sentences, so if anything doesn't make sense feel free to tell me so!)
(they edit things so much but when I try to I just can't do it, it feels unnatural to censor myself in that way xD)

[edit: Ugh, even though I just posted this it doesn't look like something I did at all! Maybe because I'm not used to living outside my little bubble, this still seems like all too much, and I really feel like I'm lying to you all, and I'm sorry about that v_v; I didn't meant to get in anybody's way
If it turns out I'm just delusional or something, then I apologize for leading everyone on this way. We aren't officially diagnosed, and the switches are hard to tell, but we had our old therapist think we had it, asking us weird questions before she even disclosed her suspicions, and it scared us and made a few angry. I used to be like 'when will my alters appear??' without realizing what I experience on a day-to-day basis WAS dissociation, those fragments that are there ARE aspects of that)
[edit edit: I'm feeling a lot of regret...I'm sorry for bothering everybody. I know you don't delete threads though, so maybe this is a good learning experience for, umm...I don't know. What Not To Do.]

Okee dokee, so this is no longer an 'intro thread,' this is now a 'What do you do when someone claiming to be an alter keeps trying to publicly out you??' thread. One would assume that because they insist they're real they might be, but maybe it's just bottled up emotions bursting forward and claiming legitimacy any way they can. Maybe I'm that much of a megalomaniac that I'm willing to construct an elaborate personality based on this idea so that I can sound schooled in something, anything, in an attempt to quell my massive ego.

I don't think "fighting with yourself about which watch to wear" is exactly diagnostic criteria on the DES. I guess I'm still trapped in that 'do I/don't I' mindset, and no amount of vindication or evidence will completely remove me from that.

It's weird how I can believe and support myself until the effects start pronouncing themselves and then I wish it weren't real. I wish I didn't. I'm the first to throw myself under the bus, yet somehow I'm still surprised every time it backs up over me.

Sorry for bumping this thread, it must be kinda old by now...I keep on coming back and trying to type things out but it gets really long and unmanageable and makes me feel conflicted and nervous so for now I'll stick with saying that I'm sorry I was being rude to 14. There are valid reasons for me to be angry at her, but emerging and posting because she wanted to talk/do a good thing for us isn't one of them. I'm frustrated by how she chooses to express herself, but that's something we should probably go over next time it happens. I find my vicious rebuttals as embarrassing and offensive in hindsight as the flippancy and ambivalence in the original post.

I have the privilege of doubting myself at times because I'm not the one enduring the existential pain and frustration of being ignored and stuck in place. I don't know if she's technically an 'alter', I think she just felt most comfortable explaining herself as such because she lost a decade to us. I think, more accurately, she was a former host who became a threat to the system in some way and had to be put into coma (she feels like she keeps coming back to life).

At this point, NOT handling this is the true excuse. I've been in a stalemate for years, there has to be some kind of compromise because I'm sick and tired of half-pursuing ideas that I know I don't want out of obligation to people who I sometimes try to convince myself don't even exist. I'm tired of being passive-aggressive towards and sabotaging & threatening MYSELF. I'm tired of being pulled in all directions, going nowhere, partial memories.

As far as a map is concerned, my old therapist tried, and it went badly. We also did hypnosis once, iirc, she told me to go into a house but I couldn't because the door was locked. I wanted to brick a window then I think she assumed I wasn't taking it seriously
I wrote out several names here but got a lot of resistance which I'm actually going to heed, since ignoring trepidation is what frustrated us about 14. I feel like there's a constant chatter and rotating co-consciousness going on but when the time for serious inquiry comes around it goes SILENT. I still think they might only be preliminary influences to deeper ones, but there's far too much mutism going on (mentally and physically). It feels like everything needs committee approval and sometimes it's just not worth the effort. Until then I guess we'll keep lurking.