I'm a freak

I just learned I'm a freak. I'm not even a girl. There's 13 in here, and it makes me want to cry. I want to me normal, please someone tell me I'm normal.

-Jenna

you're not a freak, Jenna. I mean it too!

There are Before and Afters. Before I knew X, Y, Z about myself, the system, the past, the present, versus today. My understandings are completely different. We're doomed to continue discovering The Reality of Things and What They Really Are, over and over. Before early 2000s, I thought my life was ordinary and normal if I thought about it, which was never. Then came the undeniable DID diagnosis, although for a while I was convinced that was Not Me and instead I had a traumatic brain injury...why that was better, I do not know. You're now at the point of re-writing your own vocabulary toward yourself and your system. It feels like chaos (been there). I can't say that it will suddenly get easier juggling life-self-others (it's touch and go). But I guess it is...a time for you to gain new understanding. You aren't a freak. You aren't crazy. The feelings will settle down in time and something will shift: for you, about you. Whatever happens, you've just stumbled on a new dimension. ~Lola

Mhm. you're normal. maybe not in Singlet terms, but you are not a singlet. so that is kinda like a pelican being really upset he's not a swan. I don't mean that in a snarky way because i sooooo know that acceptance of being in a cranial colony is a total bitch but once you get there and groove with it for a while, it stops being all sucky all the time I promise!

and not having the right biology or anatomical structure or body must be brutal too! i'm a girl and the body is a girl, but the body is really old and weak and looks all wrong, so i understand how shocking it can be when you realize your reflection isn't you, and how terrifying it is to have to live life in this strange body that doesn't feel right.

i hope it stops being so scary for you soon, Jenna! and don't worry about being normal. I'm a freak in many ways and love it, so i guess i'm biased since I cheer-on being freaky, but i think it's totally normal to be upset about these things you're going through, but i do not think this stuff you're going through makes you abnormal, if that makes sense.

That made me smile. Thanks. -Jenna

The same from me, guys. She just learned this morning what DID is, so it's a slow, but steady learning process. I showed her the inner world last night, too, where she can be herself. -Jeff

Everyone is a freak. This is normal. This is one of the most shocking things we learn about ourselves and others as we grow up. Everyone is weird inside; you just don't know it yet.

Una is right. it's like that quote "if you think someone is normal, you don't know them well."

Maybe you collect paperclips and make little costumes for them, that's kinda weird. Or you're multiple, or whatever else, it's all a spectrum and everyone has some quirks. and there are some folks out there who will totally find us cooler because of our quirks!

i'm glad you smiled, Jenna! that's a win i think, especially under all the stress of learning about this! i didn't smile much at first, i sassed people off.

It's good you found inside too. that's where it really feels like home for me. i have the right eyes, the right face, my feet are not too big, my hair is shorter, my hands are not too small, i actually have muscle instead of being a little pixie sprite human... So remember that even if the body fits like a costume, inside you're always free to be yourself. I kinda think the body is just like, this weird uniform i have to wear around. Maybe you could shop for some stuff you like so it doesn't feel *as* uncomfortable?

PS: i'm no engineer but i'm seriously trying to work out some machine that'll give us all our own bodies! lol. i know it won't happen but ohhhh how good it would be if i could!!!!

Perhaps alchemy.

seeya,
cleo

PPS: PSS? I don't know, but anyways if you ever wanna chat i'm here.