Recently started a therapist, he believes I am misdiagnosed.

Trigger Warning for the entirety of the thread.

LONG READ!!!

Here's a little background before I go into the topic.

*trigger warning*
1 was sexually abused by my father according to my sister from the time I was an infant to 2 years old. My father also has paranoid schizophrenia. I saw numerous therapists, from age 6-16 but the first one I had was batshit crazy and told me only men can do evil things aswell as trying to get me to blame my mother for the sexual abuse, so I never really opened up to therapists I saw after her because I didn't trust them.

In 2nd grade (7 years old) I started seeing a psychiatrist whom diagnosed me numerous times with different psychotic disorders (Bipolar, Childhood Onset Schizophrenia and later Schizoaffective Disorder). I've been to the mental hospital numerous times, 3 times as a child (5 years old, 11 years old and 12 years old) and once in 2010 after losing disability and being unable to afford my Seroquel.

Here's where things get interesting. In 2010 after going about 3 weeks with no meds I felt helpless and lost, so I ended up taking an overdose. I left a suicide note and the hotel manager found it (my grandparents house had a burst pipe and had become flooded) and called 911. From that point on I faded in and out of consciousness and I lost all memory for about 4 days of my life. I initially thought this was due to the sedatives they had me on because I was being combative and verbally abusive even while in 4 point restraints, though as far as I am concerned I was unconscious the entire time.

For the next 2 years after I was discharged from the hospital and mental hospital my psychiatrist turned into an asshole who would ask me the same questions every visit in the same boring monotone voice. He also refused to adjust or prescribe me new medications as I started College last spring, even after my grandmother died 2 months into classes.

Last fall I started seeing a new psychiatrist which has turned out very well. I ended up having psychotic episodes about 3 weeks ago (if I am schizoaffective) due to quitting Marijuana cold turkey after heavy usage for about 8 months. I went into my psychiatrist and told her I hadn't been honest about my drug use, told her I smoked because it helped me cope and made me feel normal. I then told her I need to see a therapist.

I started seeing this therapist about 2 weeks ago and the first thing he noticed is I wasn't out of it the way I was when he introduced himself after my psychiatrist's appointment, as he asked more questions he said based on his knowledge and experience (He was a psychiatrist for many years prior to taking up therapy) he believed I wasn't schizoaffective, but that I had a type of Dissociative disorder caused by the sexual abuse.

Some of things I told him is that I zone out quite a bit, when I do this while thinking about someone who pissed me off I tend to start saying what I'm thinking out loud and snap back to reality, catching myself mid sentence at which point I shut up. He also said based on everything that happened in the hospital in 2010 (the only reason I know these things is because family had told me afterwards) that I was awake but in an alter state of consciousness that is sealed away from my "main personality".

When I get extremely stressed out my mind and body tend to separate briefly. I find myself zoning out, staring off into space with absolutely no brain function (thoughts or activity) that I am aware of.

Also, when I was younger I had terrible temper tantrums and bouts of rage that would come and go like flipping a switch, and many times after having these episodes my grandfather would tell my psychiatrist what was going on, my psychiatrist would ask me if I remembered any of the things my grandfather had just said which I said no.

Based on talking for 2 hours total so far with my therapist he believes I have been misdiagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, which I have been thinking myself for years now. I don't hear command voices, see vivid visual hallucinations, and I don't carry on conversations with myself. I do tend to have delusions of persecution (I never get feelings as if people want to hurt me or are plotting to do so) and many of the negative symptoms associated with schizophrenia. These include disorganized thought and speech (tends to happen when I get stressed out and zone off with no brain function, and continues until I return to my normal state), blank looks, loss of motivation and no outward expressions of emotions.

He believes I have become so good at disassociating as a defense mechanism I have no idea that I'm actually doing it, he thinks it's an automated defense mechanism that kicks in to prevent me from sustaining severe mental and emotional distress.

I believe this is very plausible, and I'm hoping he is right. I could get off of the, I'd be able to go off of disability without fear of not being able to afford my meds, and I wouldn't need to see psychologist anymore.

My main concerns are that going off the meds could cause serious harm, I have come to believe that I didn't overdose on aspirin due to not having seroquel to control the schizophrenia, but because due to the dose (600mg nightly) I went through severe SSRI withdrawal. My second concern is because he wants me to go undergo hypnosis to try and retrieve the memories of sexual abuse. I've done so well balancing work and school as well as maturing quickly over the past few years I don't want to risk losing all of the progress I've made. My third concern is that he would need to speak with me when I'm in my other self. I don't know how to activate this other self (the one I was in while in the hospital) so I feel as if I will be stuck with a schizophrenia diagnosis for rest of my life.

Does anyone with DID have similar symptoms or experience?

Well, first... welcome to the forums!

It seems quite obvious there was misdiagnosis in your past.

Technically there is no 'main' personality, I am sure he meant the 'host', the most active alter (what your T may call a personality)
All the alters together are a personality.

You could leave notes to 'the other you' for him/her to read, and ask for a reply.
Also work on communication with this alter and ANY other you find in therapy.

I personally wouldn't use hypnotherapy as things can go not as planned.

Good luck with your healing!

Welcome to the DID Forum, Hemispheres. I hope you feel right at home here, because it does sound like this is where you belong. I know how that feels: comforting and at the same time horrifying. Been there, done that.

Hemispheres wrote:I believe this is very plausible, and I'm hoping he is right. I could get off of the, I'd be able to go off of disability without fear of not being able to afford my meds, and I wouldn't need to see psychologist anymore.

Yes, if all you have going on is simply undiagnosed DID, then you probably could get off all the medications including the self-medications (cough, cough). It certainly is plausible that you have DID, nothing more. Many details of your story are consistent with that diagnosis, although your drug use does obscure and complicate the situation. A so-called dual diagnosis may fit: DID and substance addiction.

Hemispheres wrote:My main concerns are that going off the meds could cause serious harm

Coming off an SSRI does require care; please do it under supervision of a psychiatrist. You mentioned marijuana. How about alcohol?

Hemispheres wrote:My second concern is because he wants me to go undergo hypnosis to try and retrieve the memories of sexual abuse.

Hm. Hypnosis with someone who has DID requires extraordinary caution and skill. Also, if you have DID then it isn't even necessary or appropriate to retrieve any memories. Hypnosis for DID is about accessing the alters; they remember all too well what happened to them. Finally, and more importantly, at this point you are probably at least a year away from being ready to process any trauma memories. That work comes in Phase 2 of a 3-phase trauma therapy. Phase 1 is about establishing safety and stability and coping skills. It is in Phase 1 that you get clean and sober, deal with urgent problems in your life (such as finding a safe place to live, distancing yourself from toxic people, etc), learn what DID is all about, learn skills for containment and management of currently intolerable thoughts and feelings and sensations, reduce phobias, learn to communicate among your parts, map your system, and make a treatment plan for Phase 2 and 3.

Hemispheres wrote:My third concern is that he would need to speak with me when I'm in my other self.

Why? I understand why a therapist might say this, but what I am asking here is: what is your understanding? I'd like more detail. I think you may be misunderstanding him. This is all very new to you, and you have not yet spent much time talking about it with him or anyone. In any event, there are techniques a trained therapist will know how to use, to access your system. And working with such a therapist will teach you these techniques. You don't need to be an expert; all you need to be is a newbie, which is exactly what you are. So there you are succeeding already!

If your therapist does not already have a lot of training and experience working with DID, you might insist that he join ISSTD. ISSTD offers many resources for therapists who treat trauma and dissociation: a peer-reviewed technical journal, on-line training materials, assessment tools, and training conferences and workshops.

I've been clean of Marijuana for close to 4 weeks now, I drink alcohol but not very much. When I was having episodes I poured the rest of my beer down the sink. I haven't drank for about 2-3 weeks but when I do I only get a six pack about every 1-3 months depending on how I'm feeling. When I turned 21 I got black out drunk every month for about 1 year before I decided I needed to cut back, mainly due to becoming agitated once by buzz went away and depression if I didn't have a drink the same time every night. I stay completely away from liquor because once I get a sip I want the rest of the bottle.

Need some advice, My therapist has his own way of treating DID.

He will not use hypnosis because he doesn't believe in forcing the alter out, and claims he is able to retrieve the life experience from my conscience and take away the feelings that caused it to become an alter, which he says will join me and the alter together as one. I was cool with it for a while but now he is taking a break from seeing me because he wasn't able to speak to an alter voluntarily. He told me to come back and see him when I had another "psychotic episode".

I just started going back to class and I have horrible social anxiety, I don't say a word the entire class unless someone engages conversation with me first, and I feel feelings of dread and anxiety while zoning out and I believe some alters may be trying to get out.

I zoned in class today and was mostly bored with my English teachers presentation. I daydreamed a bit, all while sitting in a rather tense position until my teacher started giving us ideas for writing topics using current events. I forgot how liberal colleges can be and she went on long rants about the Trayvon Martin case, then onto Syria and how we need to attack another country, then gas prices and how oil companies are greedy and so on so fourth.

As she was talking about these things I went from feeling out of place and panicky/zoning out and finding myself staring at objects in the room to a huge boost of confidence and my ego started showing a bit. I began smirking and quietly laughing to myself in class due to the fact that both her and other classmates were just regurgitating word for word what had been said on major news channels with really having much of their own opinion mixed into what they said.

I left class in an incredibly good mood which has died back to how I felt before. However I still Identity as Adam for the entire day and don't have many lapses in memory, just details.

I also took the disassociative experience scale test and was given a score of 55.

I was mainly wondering if I need to find another therapist and if any of the symptoms and things that happened to me today fit any of the members of this forum whom are officially diagnosed.

Hi, i can't get a clear read as to yes or no to if you have DID but, from the stories its very possible does your neck, back, or portions of your brain feel heated at random times? also check your eye and hair color in the mirror for a week straight for if they change, that would be a sign of DID

Well Schizoaffective is obviously a misdiagnosis because I don't hear voices or see things I believe are real. Anti-psychotic's don't make the halucinations go away, they just help the person able to differentiate between it and reality.

As far as the DID goes, I do remember when before I was put on the Seroquel I would smell something similar to onions before having an "episode" and would lose it, and the most extreme things I ended up doing I have no specific memory of. My grandfather would document each episode and tell my shrink about it and at times I would have what I would say is similar to a memory lapse suffered by someone whom drank too much and blacked out. As the OP states I was acting crazy and combative in the hospital even under extremely heavy sedation but needed to constantly be restrained so my straps could be re tightened. I also recalled sexual abuse in first person perspective while talking to my sister on the phone while in the hospital. In my state since being released from the hospital I recall neither the phone call or the abuse itself.
I can zone out for seconds to minutes at a time in class, coming back not remembering much of anything before zoning. In extreme situations I can zone out off and on for hours, I had a 3 1/2 hour class I can only recall 30 minutes of but still managed to have key points of the lecture start coming back as I study.

I realize the Disassociative scale isn't used solely for diagnosis but both my therapists results and the one I got from the online test seem to point more away from a psychotic disorder and more towards other mental or personality disorders.

Hemispheres wrote:now he is taking a break from seeing me because he wasn't able to speak to an alter voluntarily. He told me to come back and see him when I had another "psychotic episode".

He called it that? Was he mirroring you? Did he say "psychotic episode" because that is how you introduced your experiences to him?

He sounds inexperienced, and in a hurry, wanting to have direct contact with alters right away.

Well I just don't give a $#%^ anymore. About 5 weeks ago a co-worker showed interest in me and I didn't return it. A couple of days later I had a meeting at work and two co-workers sat near me, one to my left steady rubbing his leg on mine, then another behind me jabbing his foot into my ass. I quit about 2 weeks later. A couple of days before quitting I had my last therapy session, told my shrink I wanted a therapist, not a psychiatrist because I already have one. He got butthurt over it, told me he didn't know how he could help me. I then belittled him, told him I don't have DID, that he was on a crusade to re-diagnose those with psychotic disorders with DID. That really got to his ego, told me we were done and good luck.

I'm honestly surprised he didn't have the police come knocking on my door. I told him about my handgun and how I wanted to kill those who sexually assaulted me at work. To be honest for the last week before quitting I had my handgun in the trunk of my car, loaded and ready to go. On the day I quit my friends dropped by since I was helping one move out of his house. They were aware of the assault that took place since I had told them. One had a combat knife and the other a .40 smith and Wesson MP. If I would've given the go ahead I'm pretty confident we would've columbined that #####&. The following day I dropped my classes and started smoking pot again.

I've been high almost every day since then, and when I run out I get conflicting feelings between wanting to be America's next spree killer and wanting to go through with my plan I've had since 2007, which includes nothing more that building a cabin on the side of a large mountain, cutting off all contact with the civilized world and either starving to death or living off the land.

To be honest I just don't give a ###$ anymore. I'm done with attempts at healing and happiness. I'm done with society, with humans, and quite frankly I'm done with life.

You sound like you're in a really bad place right now. It sounds like you could use some real support. Are there any other therapists you could contact? Or maybe your GP could refer you to someone?

If you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, please contact immediate help.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.