Afraid they'll think I'm faking AM I?!

I just found myself posting this in the psychothreapy section

Sometimes I wake up at night panicking that the psychologists in family therapy will think I'm faking,

See I'm not sure if I'm faking or not, I read that this can be a pretty normal feeling for people finding out they have Did, I certainly lose time and switch personalities etc, am
Co conscious a lot and i sense others are there BUT even with all the proof I have and my husband encouraging me I can't shake the feeling and then I panic that they watch me on the videos and think I'm faking
The main threapist said he's seen me as a different person before and I was very different

I'm so worried about this, my husband says if I'm not sure I'm faking then I can't be because when you fake something you know its not real
What a horrible floaty new world to have to wade through and a past to have to learn to see in a different way

Why do I wake up panicking about this?! I get frightened that when I start psychotherapy the threapist will have special ways and see I'm just a big fake and wasting everyone's time but I'm not
I really don't know though

Crap

My advice is don't worry about the label. Express the reality of what is going on in your life. That is all you really need to do in therapy, and trust yourself.

This is a very normal anxiety. Regardless of condition almost everyone worries at some point in life that the doctor won't listen, won't accept that the reported symptoms are real, and therefore won't do anything to help. This is a rationalization for not seeking help. Ultimately, it is a reflection of toxic shame and the helplessness that comes with it.

What you need here is a dose of self validation. Self validation is about you trusting your gut, your perceptions, your understanding of the world. My favorite writing on self validation is a chapter in Dr. David Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage.

Paul Dell has a wonderful explanation for psychotherapists about patients who say they feel like they are faking. This "faking" is a call for help, from someone who feels not "deserving" of having a "real" problem. And he reports that most patients diagnosed with DID have periods of thinking they are faking their symptoms.

Your having this thought does not mean you are faking. This often turns out to be a symptom of DID.

Oh wow thank you una that has really helped me! It makes sense and I feel a bit tearful hearing it because it make sense!
So if I told a therapist that I wasn't sure if it was all real, I wasn't sure if I was making it all
Up and I'm terrified they'll say I am the threapist wouldn't....think I'm faking

Its so hard to believe they won't, I read that they watch every little
Movement and voice etc and at family therapy they have video equipment and I think 'god they all think I'm such a loser'
But it ties in with my dad laughing at me if I spoke about something or tried to get my point across and my family closing me down, my mum saying I made big deals about things etc etc

I've had this fear and anxiety for years in therapy! I still do.
Thank you Una for that awesome post! It all makes so much sense!

My therapist has been awesome. She's been patient with me and stuck with me where others have given up. She sees other people with dissociation disorders (lol I swear she's a magnet to us! lol) and she's listened to everything I've had to say and not once has she acted like she distrusts me, dislikes me or is disgusted by me.
And yet...I still have the fears. They're always there. I'm always afraid she'll hate me or thinking I'm faking things. She calls it something...I don't remember what the word is. It's where I hold the feeling towards my own self and subconsciously put those feelings onto other people...so that I think those feeling are coming from them, and not from inside of me (no idea if that just made any sense! haha).

What makes things worse...is I'm almost always so calm and happy when I go in and see her. I can have the absolute worse week in the world...yet when I go in and see her, I haven't a fear in the world! All is great and I'm just fine! lol I can tell her all about the week and all the stress I've been under...but I can do so with a smile on my face and as if it was really no big deal. It's so dang hard to convey to her how bad it gets when I'm always so "UP" with her!

Brainfizz wrote:So if I told a therapist that I wasn't sure if it was all real [... the therapist] wouldn't....think I'm faking[?]

Yes. The therapist would not think you are faking. No therapist is likely to accept your self doubt at face value. They all know such doubts and fears are typical forms of denial.

A therapist who has experience with clients who have been diagnosed with dissociative disorders will recognize this specific fear as yet another classic symptom of a major dissociative disorder (DID plus DDNOS-1). We all recognize it here on the DID Forum. It is that common.

ck0507 wrote:I've had this fear and anxiety for years in therapy! I still do.
She calls it something...I don't remember what the word is. It's where I hold the feeling towards my own self and subconsciously put those feelings onto other people...so that I think those feeling are coming from them, and not from inside of me

Projecting? That sounds like projecting.

Hey Brainfizz, This has happened to me as well..That self-doubt and confusion was a horrible burden to bare. I think that reading about DID actually made it worse in some ways. I would recognize time loss and dissociation, but I would think things like "Only people with DID experience that, how dare I think I am experiencing that too". It got better when I allowed myself to trust that what was happening was completely and objectively truthful...it takes practice, it's a very old and embodied thought-loop that we with DID need to overcome.

Just tell it like it is and be totally honest, and work on accepting that what you experience is very real...The truth shall set you free, right?

Una+ wrote:What you need here is a dose of self validation. Self validation is about you trusting your gut, your perceptions, your understanding of the world. My favorite writing on self validation is a chapter in Dr. David Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage.

Paul Dell has a wonderful explanation for psychotherapists about patients who say they feel like they are faking. This "faking" is a call for help, from someone who feels not "deserving" of having a "real" problem. And he reports that most patients diagnosed with DID have periods of thinking they are faking their symptoms.

Your having this thought does not mean you are faking. This often turns out to be a symptom of DID.

Great advice, I totally agree with Una+.

Also, do you feel like it is a bit intense to have your appointments recorded? I'm not sure how I'd feel about that..I wonder if this is perpetuating those feelings of self-doubt?