being consistent about healing & avoiding decompensation

Hi all - I could use your help. I can't count how many times I visit my abuse memories and really dig into it, then I guess I get overwhelmed or it's too intense so I end up setting it aside. And I forget about it until I get triggered again. Or I guess other pieces of me take over until I'm ready to face it again.

Is that normal if you're doing this kind of healing work? I even did it here by posting once or twice and then I disappeared until now. Can anyone relate to this cycle? I find it frustrating, I mean it seems like if I can be more consistent in looking at the past (by which I really mean feeling these vague body memories, grief, etc.) then I can understand it all faster and feel better overall. But my therapist and my SO both tell me there's no need to rush and my mind might be protecting itself by being so back and forth.

Which leads me to my other question. I really want to work through the understanding of DID as it applies to me but the last time I was here I tried to do that and my symptoms got horrible. Like I don't usually hear the voices but I started to and just, I dunno. It was bad. I've got to remain functional enough to go to work and be around family members that aren't always easy to be around. Is there a way to process info about dissociation and abuse memories without decompensating? Do you have advice for making it less strong?

I don't know what to do. I really want to heal and grow and understand, and when all this crapola comes to my mind I try to face it, but my mind won't let me stay here. I'll have a few days and then, I dunno what happens but I leave this set of experiences until something reminds me of it again. Maybe these folks are right and this is a protection so I should just accept it. Actually I don't know if I could handle feeling these old emotions/memories all the time. Meh.

doglover888 wrote:Actually I don't know if I could handle feeling these old emotions/memories all the time. Meh.

I think this is exactly what you need to hold onto. If you had to face it all 24/7 without the "protection" of repression/dissociation you would probably end up in a much much worse place than you are now.

I am forever playing touch and go with my past issues. I'll talk about it for an hour, a minute, a day, and then have to leave it aside until the next time I can unconsciously decide I can handle it and it comes around again. This cyclic nature has been my way for years and years. It has always frustrated me - 'why can't I just deal with it, why does it keep coming back, why can't I just let it go' - but the best thing is to just buckle in for the ride. Most the time DID systems go at the speed they can and that speed is best for them. It's hard having trust in your own system though but it is worth it if you can let go of those judgmental thoughts of 'I need to go faster' etc.

I wish you the best,

-B

bourbon wrote: It's hard having trust in your own system though but it is worth it if you can let go of those judgmental thoughts of 'I need to go faster' etc.

Thank you - it is definitely like rushing myself. You're right that this is what I need. After starting this thread it hit me that my mind is showing me what I can handle, as I can handle it, and I should be grateful instead of trying to force things. There's a perfection to it all that I'll probably never understand or fully appreciate. There's a lot happening in there that's meant to help me and keep me safe.

I just hate that the times I forget about how much I switch, etc., I also don't think to realize how much help I get, show appreciation, try to get to know the system, etc.

After starting this thread it hit me that my mind is showing me what I can handle, as I can handle it, and I should be grateful instead of trying to force things. There's a perfection to it all that I'll probably never understand or fully appreciate. There's a lot happening in there that's meant to help me and keep me safe.

I'm happy to hear this. There really is something to this. We experience the same thing. We can deal with a lot of memories and then it's just not there or we even forget them all over again. It's a great function because it is what keeps us from decompensation at all; it keeps us able to work through things at all because it leaves some things behind so that we are not so completely overwhelmed. I'm glad you're able to see this and in time hopefully feel safer knowing it is indeed there to keep you safe.

Sometimes I wish I could just deal with it all right. this. minute. But if I'm honest with myself I know that even a 1/100th part of what I went through is usually too much. And so we go on as best we can with the knowledge of what we can currently deal with.

Wishing you the best in healing