Beago's story

Beago, you are very welcome.

beago wrote:Jack has said several times it's like I'm a Jeckyll & Hyde (insulting! and told him so), and son says that it's like I "switch" (intuitive, eh? even used the right term). So I suppose they both have some ideas, but we've not really discussed anything.

It might relieve their fear and anxiety somewhat if you could share with them that you have a diagnosis that seems likely and has an excellent prognosis. My husband was far more relieved than concerned when I told him my diagnosis. He said it made sense, which indeed it did!

Jack and your son, and you, might enjoy my favorite DID novel, by Matt Ruff: Set This House in Order. It vividly and accurately gives the subjective experience of being a multiple, and also of being with a multiple. I found it quite comforting.

It is possible that your sleeping well now has nothing to do with the medication, but with that part of you not needing to come out anymore or just laying low while other parts of your system are more active. Whenever something "big" happens in our systems, many of us hosts experience an interval of "crickets" as our insiders keep a low profile for a while. Whether the medication helps or not, it doesn't appear to be doing any harm.

beago wrote:I had confided in our company's controller about some of my stuff...mainly the sleep issues and candy hiding. He wondered if Jack was making things up.

How do you feel about the idea that Jack is gaslighting you?

beago wrote:Wish I had that kind of courage more often!

As you become more integrated (more co-present and co-conscious, even if you don't fuse) you will gain direct access to that kind of courage. And that part of you will gain access to your tact and become more skilled and effective too. When I was first told this about myself I thought it sounded too good to be true, and hokey, but it was spot on. While you wait for integration to happen, you can send a message of thanks inside. "To the part of me who did X: thank you!"

Una+, I'll check out that book, thanks for the referral. I am treading lightly at home with Jack & my son, it's not an ideal situation...son has temporarily moved back home due to divorce, and Jack & I've been together about 2 years and honeymood has sorta worn off. On the surface all seems ok, but I sense undercurrents of leeriness and mistrust. Anyway, neither one is much of a reader, sadly, but that'll give me something to read while they watch their sports! Love having a Kindle, makes reading more private.

Yes, in answer to the gaslight question. Many times I've wondered...that was the only other explanation that I could come up with. I have tried audio (Jack knows about) and video recording (Jack does not know about) the nights and early mornings, but have come up with nothing. Jack's a good, simple fellow, not a devious sort, and I don't believe he is capable of any degree of stealth or cunning. And the unusual stuff was happening before my son moved back in. So...that leaves MOI. Who seems to know when the bedroom alarm or video recorder hasn't been set, and that's when the antics show up.

Having trouble trying to get an appt. with an appropriate T. The one my counselor recommended is not taking new patients, but she referred me to psychologist in my area who deals with PTSD, dissociation, uses EMDR. Left a message Thursday, but no response yet.

Meanwhile, I appreciate your suggestion and will send a sincere "thank you" inside message. You have a very comforting way of helping me see the good in all this. Have you ever considered doing some kind of therapy work? Or maybe support groups?

beago wrote:Yes, in answer to the gaslight question. Many times I've wondered...that was the only other explanation that I could come up with. I have tried audio (Jack knows about) and video recording (Jack does not know about) the nights and early mornings, but have come up with nothing. Jack's a good, simple fellow, not a devious sort, and I don't believe he is capable of any degree of stealth or cunning. And the unusual stuff was happening before my son moved back in. So...that leaves MOI. Who seems to know when the bedroom alarm or video recorder hasn't been set, and that's when the antics show up.

Oh good! So you did some surveillance that as far as you know Jack didn't know about and you didn't catch him dropping candy wrappers. But you didn't catch anyone else either. Oh well. Sometimes this self-surveillance does work and the host captures her alters on video. Sometimes it is the SO who sets up the surveillance and catches them. But your intuition says Jack isn't messing with you and he reports experiencing an alter attacking him in the night. So you have to believe him, don't you? Even though it is hard to believe.

Many of us have massive problems with locus of control, especially before we become aware that unknown parts of us are doing things that are ego-alien to us. Very often our families of origin contributed to our problems in that area because of their own massive problems in that area. You can see in many threads by significant others here in the DID Forum that they are interacting with people who are confused about who is actually doing the behaviors they are disturbed about. Until we learn otherwise, we all operate from the thought "I know it isn't me doing this, and there isn't anyone else involved here, so it must be you." In the middle of a revolving door crisis I heard myself say "It's not me!" and in that moment ahah I knew I had a problem. But my therapists have all remarked that I am unusual; most of their clients with DID didn't catch on until their lives had become far more chaotic and distressing than mine. It seems to me that anyone who find this DID Forum is already way ahead of the class!

I would make it a priority to let Jack know what seems to be going on. He needs information and support. He must be very much on edge right now, wondering what will happen next. I hope this new prospect T calls you back, and soon!

beago wrote:You have a very comforting way of helping me see the good in all this. Have you ever considered doing some kind of therapy work? Or maybe support groups?

Thank you. I am not a therapist but it is not unusual for other persons to assume I am one. I have been doing therapy work as a client for over two years now, roughly 150 hours and counting. That is not much, but in those two years I have made over 3000 posts here in the DID Forum and most of them reflect substantial time and effort invested above and beyond my work in my own therapy. I come to this support role naturally. In my professional and personal life I have participated for many, many years in a wide variety of support groups, both led groups and peer groups, both online and face to face, both as participant/student/learner and as leader/mentor/teacher/facilitator.

Wikipedia: Locus of control

Beago, it occurs to me that your sleep medication may be doing nothing for you. The candy wrappers found first thing in the morning tell you an alter still is getting up in the middle of the night. But the alter who gets up in the night no longer attacks Jack. Perhaps at first she (?) didn't know who he was but now she is used to finding him there.

I had a somewhat similar experience. It was many, many years before I found out about my DID that my husband and I learned how to live together. At first for months I had a lot of trouble sleeping in the same bed with him. I would wake up in a state of alarm, ready to fight, if he made any abrupt move or sound. And then not long ago when Teen Girl woke up I went through that all over again. I even had some weird experiences, coming from her, of "Who is this guy in my bed?!"

Hi Una+, well I have the headache from Hades today. I woke up with it. And I think I may have discovered a connection with these headaches and "activity."

First off, I tried, but apparently failed to send you a PM yesterday. Certain I wrote it, sent it, but then poof, not there in outbox or sent box. Anyway, now I don't really remember what I wrote. It was probably quite profound, hehe.

I want to relate an episode that happened last night/this morning...it's in response to your post regarding night time. But first a question...is it appropriate to keep posting my personal stories here? I am so new and don't know if it's ok to take up board space, or if it can be upsetting to others? Also I'm not quite sure what are considered "triggers." I found that reading about others' experiences was sometimes helpful, but sometimes troubling.

I appreciate being able to share my concerns with you, and if PM is better that is fine...but if sharing on the board has any positive benefits, I will be happy to do so.

Thanks so much.

I did not see any PM from you. Hm.

If it does not cause you too much anxiety to do so, I prefer to share in the open forum. That gives you the benefit of more experience and support from other readers, and it gives the most benefit to other readers now and in the future. Decades from now someone may read this thread and be greatly helped by it. Also, it offers the most return on investment for those of us who spend time and effort on posting replies to your material.

beago wrote:I have the headache from Hades today. I woke up with it. And I think I may have discovered a connection with these headaches and "activity."

A connection is likely. Many of us experience severe headaches in connection with dissociative experiences. I know that in my own therapy sessions talking about certain topics is sure to cause a severe piercing pain in a certain place in my head.

As for triggering, if the content is not too graphic (bloody or violent or erotic) or invalidating of others' experiences generally it won't trigger much. We all have individual triggers of some kind but that's something we all have to deal with. So bring it on.

Una+, thank you for your encouragement to post about myself. I do hope that sharing my experiences might help someone else in some way…either by relating or feeling a kindred spirit. It helps me a lot just getting it out by putting it in writing. I especially appreciate your support and compassion. I know you put a lot of thought and caring into your posts.

So here's my latest twisty episode...I had another bit of proof this morning, that my candy/cookie little is quite aware, even when I am not. Long time ago, we installed an alarm on our bedroom door...when it’s set, a loud "ding dong" if the door is opened. It can't be turned off once inside closed door, only from the outside.

Jack gets up before me during the week, so when he opens the door, the alarms dings. On the weekends though, I get up before him, open the door, "ding," then I turn the alarm off and close the door (so the dogs don't get in and jump on the bed.) With the alarm off, then I can also go in & out to get laundry, use bathroom, etc. So, on weekend nights, I just have to remember to set the alarm again, so that it's armed during the night.

Well, I guess Sunday night, I forgot it was turned off, and forgot to set it. Didn't even think about it, just went to bed as usual. Then Jack must’ve came to bed and shut the door probably assuming the alarm was set. He got up this morning, and I guess there was no "ding." I had awakened when he got up, so while he was out in kitchen, I did a quick fast forward review of my bedside "spy video camera" and did not see any night-time activity at all, just my usual toss & turn in the bed. Things have been quiet the past few weeks at night, so I figured another quiet night and erased it all.

Then I got up, washed my hair etc. and went out. Jack was in the livingroom watching TV. I went to the kitchen for coffee, and there discretely on the top of the microwave, was a piece of oreo cookie. Uh oh. Last week there had been some oreos mysteriously put in my purse. So I checked around the kitchen and found the oreo box sorta mangled in the pantry, with crumbs on the shelf. Checked my purse, and discovered two new cookies in a side pocket. I didn't say anything out loud, got my coffee, sat down with Jack. He was in his usual early-morning mode, checking the weather, etc. Totally normal, simple acting, chit-chat, just commented that he noticed the door alarm wasn’t on when he got up. He left, and I continued to get ready, checking all my drawers and spots where there’s been gift/stash left before. Nothing else was discovered.

When I got to work later this morning, I called my son, who was still at home. I told him I must’ve gotten out of the bedroom, and he said he thought he had heard someone in the hallway around 3am. We talked about this incident, as well as some of the other candy wrappers I’ve been finding again recently. Initially when all this started happening, he had thought it was Jack. But now he agrees with me that it’s just not possible…we both realize that Jack is not a devious type, and simply not capable of covering up his tracks or hiding his emotions.

I spoke with my son frankly, about maybe I’ve got something going on in my head. This is the first time that I’ve actually used the term “dissociative.” I know it’s upsetting to him, but I am relieved that I can confide in him and that he’s accepting what I am telling him.

I have also been casually mentioning to Jack that I’m probably going to next pursue psychological possibilities, as there’s not been any confirmed sleep or neurological disorders, However, I’m just not giving him all the details at this time…it’s not that I still think he’s a culprit, but rather that he has a tendency to over-react, try to take charge, and misunderstand a situation. He’s a good man, and I believe he really cares about me, but I’m concerned this might be a bit much for him to take. He might more easily believe I was kidnapped and re-programmed by space aliens! You are right though, he probably is stressed wondering what’s going on, so keeping him sorta in the loop will be good.

Still can’t shake this headache, and I want to read more on that link you sent me about “Locus of Control.” When I see that term, I’m twisting it in my mind to “Loss of Focus Control”, which seems pretty appropriate at the moment. I appreciate your pointing me to more info.

Couple of questions ...?

When I looked at the video this morning and didn't see anything amiss from the night, is it possible that there were images and I just couldn't see them? You mentioned that once before, when I was looking at grocery store receipts. How does that happen? Or why? Why would a little one or another, not want me to know? I have tried to have conversations...I tell her/him/them I'll be ok with all this but it's upsetting to feel confused and to please help me understand.

Also, is it possible to have an alter who is an animal, like a cat?

beago wrote:When I looked at the video this morning and didn't see anything amiss from the night, is it possible that there were images and I just couldn't see them?

Yes, that is possible. If it were me, that would be likely. I know for a fact that in visual media (such as slide shows) I frequently am unable to see Alter 5's guy. In fact, I watched one slide show over and over again because I knew he should have been there but I could not see him. And then suddenly I could see him and all evidence points to his image being there all along. I was just "editing" him out. This is called hysterical blindness, usually considered a conversion disorder. In other words, it is just one more dissociative symptom, perhaps related to dissociative amnesia.

So, yes, there may be scenes recorded on the video that you cannot see. Ask someone else (your son?) to watch last night's recording capture for you. Also have him check to see if the recording was turned off and back on again.

beago wrote:Why would a little one or another, not want me to know?

I don't know; you'll have to ask your insider(s), once you have communication established. I don't have anyone this sneaky in my system but yours is not the first story of this kind that I have heard.

beago wrote:Also, is it possible to have an alter who is an animal, like a cat?

Absolutely! Ahem. Why do you ask? (I'm being facetious here; I am sure you are asking because you suspect you have an animal alter.) For many years my Alter 1 presented as a dog, a very fey and knowing dog! Animal alters are not at all unusual.

Hello Una+. I got off the phone with a new T, and will have my first appt. in a couple of weeks. I will let you know how that goes. Her online bio sounds very appealing to me...just reading between the lines, she seems to have a calm, gentle, nature. She sounded very kind and concerned. I sense I'm going to need a lot of patience and reassurances while I get used to this. My counselor Faith has been great with me, but her expertise has mainly been helping me deal with, get out of, and recover from, a nasty relationship. As well as help me find ways to cope with anxieties concerning my son & his divorce and my elderly parents.

I have often had times where I felt like a kitty cat. This past weekend, I was a bit ill with tummy ache, so laid on my bed. Tigger, my sweet boy cat, came in and stayed with me. I felt like his baby kitten...I wanted him to "mother" me, and he actually did. Groomed my hair, patted and massaged me, and laid on my tummy with vibrating purrs. It was so wonderful.

As you may be able to tell, I do tend to get anxious about things, as well as impatient and easily frustrated. And that is what I am dealing with now, as I try to communicate inside. I talk out loud and silently, write notes, write in a journal, give compliments, express thanks. I'm not hearing or feeling any acknowledgement. This morning I had a little outburst...I sorta feel like I'm being teased, or taunted. They know what's going on, but I don't. At first it was scary, then frustrating, but now it's hurting my feelings, like I'm deliberately being left out.

On a positive note, the strong part was very helpful this morning. I had a dentist appt, followed by a gyno appt. Ugh ugh bad. Usually I'm shaking and sweating during these unpleasant times, but breezed thru both today quite nicely. So I said thank you. Of course it also could've been that benzo sleepy med hadn't quite worn off yet, heh.

Other than headaches, are there other physical ailments that seem to be common with DID? I struggle with dizziness/lightheadedness, and also seem to have a very low pain threshold with even slight pressure touch, like on my back or arms. It's embarrassing when Jack will give me a little love squeeze, or massage my neck. Sometimes it really hurts, and I know he's not pressing hard at all.

If it weren't for the candy hiding episodes, all the rest of this could just be passed off as a super-sensitive, anxious/depressed, paranoid, edgy menopausal hypochondriac lady. I dunno! But I guess I'm going to commit to spending some more big dollars trying to find out for sure.