neck deep in denial TRIGGER

i dont know what this is anymore. its like I feel so guilty, like I ling, but I know im not. I know there real. but I feel like some big liar. I know this. its part of what I go trough during denial. but I just feel so guilty, like I made it all up, and I don't know what to do.

~jackilyn

One of the other members made a real good suggestion to me at one point: make a journal with a list of proofs. Then you can look at it later and it will help you feel better now and then. Hope you feel better.

*Trigger Warning for blunt, but typical Shadow-violence*
We get this way a lot, especially Faith. Sometimes it's only for a few seconds, but then I come and snap her out of it by getting into one of my famous rants about how I'd love to kill her parents and since she can't even physically say she hates her parents and would love to slit their throats, it usually assists her in snapping out of it.
-Shadow

its gettinhg owrse.

i keep thinking things like "im gonna look back on this and say"i used to think i had multiple personalities"

even keep thinkning i have to defend myself so people wont know its fake,, or ill have to dissociate the right way to my alters form properly, and i really do have them.

its horrible because i feel so fake, byut at the same time, jpk just took a video of him playing with the stuffed animals and i aughed anad said hes so adorable and i would hate to lose him, but i still feel like its not real.


what if it isnt though/ what if i jusst told myself i had DID and now my brains convinced i do?


so confusing is this little thing we call denial.______________________________.


~jackilyn

I know exactly how you feel!! It seems like certain parts carry a lot of denial. The BEST thing I ever heard about DID was that without Denial there isn't a need for DID. You work through mapping your system and dealing with triggers and conflicts between parts. You work on the abuse. Denial will surface over and over until integration. The lady I heard teaching on DID said that Denial parts are needed until the end. They are so important and kept us safe all these years.
I think I made it up too some days. But when I'm sitting in therapy listening to my voice change, holding my head from the headaches, hearing me ask to be called a different name, well, that's when the denial parts of me say maybe I'm not making this up. Just maybe this is what it is. Maybe I need to pay attention now. . .
Hope that hekps. It's normal to feel like you do. Maybe denial is your job. It's part of keeping everyone safe, right?

Denial is a defense mechanism that the brain creates to fool the host into thinking they are as normal and okay as possible. If the DID is obvious, then it is hard for the brain to think that. I know it is so hard to accept. It feels like faking for me as well. It's not, though. None of this is fake. You are only in denial. You would not even have this argument going on if it were fake. You would 100% know it was fake. You would not have parts telling you it is real. You would never have had any symptoms going on. This is real.

No. It never happened.

It never happened it was just a dream I made it up in my head come on!

It wasn't trauma it wasn't real because it never happened.
None of it! My god it's all In my head nothing happened to me or the alters to make them here no e of this is real! It can't be! It can't be.

I keep staring at a picture of my "abuser" and me.
It didn't happen.

No no no. It can't be real it just can't

I'm sorry I think I lies to you all of you in so so so so sorry I'm such a horrible person......
It just can't be real.

~jackilyn

Hey, lemme ask you a question.

Are you sure?

Now, you say you have lied and that nothing happened, but are you sure? Can you 100% say that you made this all up? Or are you trying to convince yourself that it didn't happen in order to keep yourself from further struggles and to push away any pain?

I don't mean to make life any harder for you by asking, but..

As everyone else has said, denial is natural. You are bound to feel that way. You say, "It can't be", but what if it can? What will you do if it did happen? Maybe you're right, maybe nothing happened, but the chances of that are slim. You just randomly deciding to fake DID? No, it doesn't work like that. At least, based on my experiences. Like Hornet339 said, if you were faking it, question wouldn't even be possible.

You aren't a horrible person. From what I can tell, you are a great person, and I wish you the best of luck on any future endeavors.
-Jae

Jackilyn, even if it were a dream... How did all this evidence get on this site of your symptoms?

Jackilyn, it wasn't a dream. I hope you get out of this denial sooner rather than later. Maybe Shadow can help you with that.

I just don't want it to be real. Those things couldn't have happened. Someone would have had to notice. I i I just don't want to believe it could have..

And I just want a family. That's it. A family. A real mom and dad who love me and care and won't hurt me like these awed il awful people have and keep doing, even if its not by a hand anymore.

i don't want to hurt anymore

Why can't no one do anything? They see I'm in pain but yet still no one can save me

No one can even try?

Why.

~jackilyn