How do I stop from switching?

I have recently been diagnosed with did after years of being unsuccessfully treated for schizophrenia. I am seriously at war with one of the dominate alters, I feel like we are fighting over my body, my life, my husband, my unborn baby. My husband sleeps with her and it drives me crazy with jealousy. I don't know what to do. Please help me. How do I stay anchored in my own body.

(Possible Trigger Warning? Talking with alters about boundaries)

Oof, this is a big one, but let me see if I can try and help a little.

First of all, I want to ask if your husband knows that you have DID, and if so, is he accepting of it? How is his relationship with your alters? How is his relationship with you? Have you tried expressing to him that you feel uncomfortable with him being with one of your alters?

Stopping yourself from switching isn't like (pardon the pun) flipping a switch. It's something that has to be agreed on and respected between alters. I know you're frustrated (and possibly downright angry) with your dominant alter, but have you tried talking with her?

I was at war with quite a few of my alters until my T spoke to me and guided me on how to respond to them, and what they were really asking. It's a two way street with a lot of give and take.

I would suggest trying to find some quiet time alone, and turning to her and asking gently why it's so important to her to be Out and with your husband. Really try to understand where she's coming from if you can, and then try to present your point. Ask her what she needs from you to change her behaviour/meet you halfway in setting Outside ground rules.

I was surprised to see how much things calmed down when I was willing to listen to them and try to work out compromises. Respect. I know they drive us nuts, but respect is key. I hope this helps, and if it doesn't, well, let me know! I know sometimes advice doesn't work for everyone.

Mandymmj wrote:I have recently been diagnosed with did after years of being unsuccessfully treated for schizophrenia.

Hi. Welcome to the DID Forum! Does the new diagnosis make sense to you? It sure sounds like it. So typical. I am so sorry you had to suffer years of inappropriate and ineffective treatment. Colin Ross says in one of his books that the differential diagnosis between schizophrenia and DID is easy for a therapist familiar with dissociative disorders: in schizophrenia the voices cannot be engaged in conversation by the therapist; in DID they can be. It is that simple.

Mandymmj wrote:My husband sleeps with her and it drives me crazy with jealousy.

First, I want to assure you that many readers here absolutely understand. Many, many of us live with this exact situation. We even thrive with it. Some of our own alters can understand your jealousy, because they too are jealous about a significant other's activities with another alter.

By "sleeps with" I assume you mean sexual intercourse. What do you need to happen? What do you want to happen? Do you want him to have sex only with you? Does she want him to have sex only with her? I know this is a very disturbing idea for you but your body is her body too, and your husband is her husband too if she chooses to accept him as her husband. And that is her choice. It could be worse. For example, she could reject him and go out and find another man for herself. Or she could be experiencing sexual intercourse as a traumatic reenactment. Why does she have sex with him? Does she actually want to have sex? Who is she? How old is she? Would she like to tell us herself?

All parts are welcome here.

Mandymmj wrote:How do I stay anchored in my own body.

Gently now... How do you seize executive control from any and all other alters, and keep it for yourself? I am sorry but even if there were a sure way of doing that, I would not tell you how. You are one alter among others, and all of you together are one person. The body is not yours alone. Internal warfare is never constructive.

Here are two books that my own system has found helpful in working through our conflicts over love relationships:

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (2009)

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino (2008)

Hi again. Thanks to the ppl who responded, You have no idea (actually Im sure u do) how nice it is to be open and honest with ppl who don't just try to understand, but who do. My husband is actually reacting in a way I never thought possible. No one has ever accepted me before. Because all though I was not diagnosed with did for years I've had the symptoms, most ppl just thought it was from the scitzophtenia and decided they couldn't "handle" me. My husband however is very supportive, he has read as much as he can find, he takes time off of work when Aylssa (6-8 yrs) or Emily (approximately 2yrs) is out so he can watch out for them. He calls my psychiatrist frequently and lets him know about any new alters, or for advice. He very gently tells all of them what is going on, writes things down, takes any new alter to meet my psychiatrist. Finds out about each one, as much as they are willing to share.
Has for Penelope, she is 33, I'm 32. From what I've been able to find out she used to be very promiscuous, she would sleep with anyone, she thinks she did it for two reasons, 1) to regain control over sex. 2) to make herself feel like she was liked or loved. I think I'm getting it right. As far as what my husband has told me she does not want to be manogomous, her and he have a friends with benefits type relationship. She has told me that they made a deal that she could sleep with whatever women she wanted to so long as she told him where she would be, but no men except him because he didn't know how he would feel about seeing my body go out with another man. That in itself pisses me off because I feel like he is knowingly hurting me in order to avoid hurt for himself. I know if I think on it rationally I don't want my body to sleep with tons of ppl. I have been with one person only in nearly 10 yrs and my husband and I have been together 5. For me sex is different. It took a long time to enjoy sex. I was 28 before I started to enjoy it. So I just avoided it. My husband is really good to me, he says he is really sorry he ever came between us.
I have so many different emotions right now. I feel lost. I never knew until Alyssa came out that I was hurt as a child. I knew about the abusive man in my early twenties, for that was when penelope started coming. I think. But I guess I did know I was hurt as a child, I just have always tried to think of the bits and prices I do recall as my first sexual experience. Dumb I guess.
So I need to get along with her. I guess I knew that. I just feel so frustrated. I'm terrified when I start to feel the slightest bit of anxiety of confusion as I know this could be a switch coming.
Will all this switching affect my unborn baby?
Ok I'm not even sure if I answered the questions asked of me, I just started to pour my heart out. Can the ministry take my baby away from me when it's born because I have this disorder? I have two kids 4 and 13 and I would do anything for my kids. The ministry has never been involved in my life, but I'm wondering if this could change it? My husband says all my alters treat my kids like gold, the children in me play with him. The grown ups have all decided to make it as easy for the kids as possible and don't let them see or hear anything, answer to mom. Alyssa pretends she is playing house and is the mommy. I have so many questions. I'm sorry this has become so scattered.

This is penny. The "alter" to whom mandymmj refers to as sleeping with her husband. No it doesn't have to be her husband. I like him enough, were buddies. But I do crave human contact. Her husband does not feel comfortable with me having relations with another man and since we are pregnant with their baby I feel I should respect that. For now. After the baby is born I hope we can all come to some sort of compromise. And her kids, I'm not stealing her kids. God put me here to protect her, her kids come from her. They are her legacy. They need to feel safe and secure. Great kids. I do love her kids, as well as this baby of hers in my belly. If I didn't care I'd be drinking alcohol, or I would have just terminated this pregnancy because this is the last thing I wanted when I discovered she was pregnant. Now I've grown attached to the child I can feel inside me. She needs to try to look past her clinginess and jealousy and see that a lot of what I do is for her and her family. Maybe when she reads this things will be smoother.

hi Mandy,

I just read Penny s response and it seems she s open for reasoning and compromises?

It s hard realisin you re not alone and that you re sharin your body.

It takes time to adjust to the fact that you re an alter amongst the others.

As said before, it takes compromises, respect and communication.

I ve had a huge turmoil - and things are still confusing, but I m so glad you have a husband who supports you through this.

I m sorry you lost friends. I know how hard that can be. It has to do with their own limits, but the hurt is there nonetheless.

About your unborn baby, I don t think there s any reason to take her or him away from you?

I haven t heard of such stories before anyways.

Love

Nina11

Mandy, switching by itself does no harm to the body. And the alter who is taking executive control (hello Penny!) objectively is doing no harm.

So long as you are objectively safe, other people have no grounds for taking your children away no matter what diagnostic label you may have. They might attempt it, but they won't get far. You have a safe, stable living situation including a husband who is healthy and supportive and attests to your good parenting skills. The contents of your subjective experience are not relevant in this context. Keep in mind that your condition has been apparent for many years. It is not new. You were diagnosed schizophrenic and they did not take your other children away. Now the diagnosis has changed and you are getting more appropriate treatment, so now you are even safer than you were before.

I hope that reading this increases your sense of security and relieves some of your anxiety. The reality is, you are in good shape!