I don't know what to do anymore.. possible trigger warning

by **nuggetlove** » Fri May 17, 2013 7:39 am

So I'm not even sure I have DID or what is wrong with me. But I'm afraid of whoever or whatever is inside of me. I get these thoughts, slowly stuttering through my head or screaming and going in circles.. I am a peace loving, hippie, type. I love helping people and the idea of hurting people is replusive to me. To (Tom) though, hurting people is a way to punish me... or something. The thoughts of hurting people don't happen often but immediately after the thought comes "so just kill yourself so you can't hurt anyone. " sometimes I think its Tom's way of trying to push me to kill myself because he knows hurting someone is the last thing I want to do. Do you think he could be playing with me? Or are those feelings of wanting to hurt someone really there and I'm just feeling guilty? I don't know what or how to think or feel. Right now I'm detached. I keep seeing these white cloud like things moving around my right shoulder out of the corner of my eye. I'm not sure if that is considered a hallucination or not. I question everything lately. Is this real or not? Am I real? Is what I'm experiencing real? My feelings? What is happening to me? I really need someone to talk to and I'm scared to tell people because I don't want to scare them or have them leave me. I need information and I cannot make myself go to a professional. I just can't...for some reason. I have little control over myself, I feel.

Please help.

Hi Nugget,
We may not be the best people to help but we think we should help if we can.

Tom sounds like one of our system who wants to inflict pain on others and to kill others because of what he has experienced. Azrael for us is a store of pain and all the worst emotion that a system can feel.
Tom may be trying to find a way to pass on what he is feeling on to someone else.

Tom could quite easily want to kill you. If you can try to talk to him and explain and reason with him. By what you are saying you may be in a state of co-consciousness. You may be hearing his thoughts and thinking they are yours. You are the loving person you are. He is the sadistic and hateful person he is. Try to separate out what is yours and what is his.

The clouds may be a view of the inner world. If Tom is also seeing but is in the world you may be getting some of his view and sensations. YOU ARE REAL. If you can type this message you are real. These experiences trouble us all and are very real. You keep strong and We can try to help.

by **nuggetlove** » Fri May 17, 2013 9:08 am

Isn't Tom essentially a part of me though? So technically these are my thoughts? He feels seperate but I know my mind creates him so I must be responsible for my thoughts?

by **Schimrigk** » Fri May 17, 2013 3:59 pm

We had a think and we do not think that that is how it works.

Tom was once a part of you. He is now separated for a specific reason.
The moment he became separated he was not you any longer.
He is simultaneously a part of you and not a part of you.
Together you make you but you are equal and separate in your own right.

It is possible that he was the part of you that felt Hate/Pain/Anger and that is his personality. Don't say he is evil or wrong just for what he was born as. He is who he is. Learn to speak and engage with him. Find him something to do. If he wants to play violent games then maybe let him.

by **loise** » Fri May 17, 2013 4:19 pm

nuggetlove wrote:So I'm not even sure I have DID or what is wrong with me. But I'm afraid of whoever or whatever is inside of me. I get these thoughts, slowly stuttering through my head or screaming and going in circles.. I am a peace loving, hippie, type. I love helping people and the idea of hurting people is replusive to me. To (Tom) though, hurting people is a way to punish me... or something. The thoughts of hurting people don't happen often but immediately after the thought comes "so just kill yourself so you can't hurt anyone. " sometimes I think its Tom's way of trying to push me to kill myself because he knows hurting someone is the last thing I want to do. Do you think he could be playing with me? Or are those feelings of wanting to hurt someone really there and I'm just feeling guilty? I don't know what or how to think or feel. Right now I'm detached. I keep seeing these white cloud like things moving around my right shoulder out of the corner of my eye. I'm not sure if that is considered a hallucination or not. I question everything lately. Is this real or not? Am I real? Is what I'm experiencing real? My feelings? What is happening to me? I really need someone to talk to and I'm scared to tell people because I don't want to scare them or have them leave me. I need information and I cannot make myself go to a professional. I just can't...for some reason. I have little control over myself, I feel.

Hi! I know what you are going through, because it happens to me.
Sometimes i think is dissassociation, but those unwanted thoughts can also be OCB, Obsessive compulsive behavior, where you loose control and think what you do not want to think, so your way of rationalizing is to say, if this goes to worst, we need to stop me so i do not hurt anyone.
i think that the clouds are hallucinations that are a result of a crisis of psichotic episode....
that is how i am diagnosed. ...my psych says that psycosis is like a rainbow, to have symptoms does not make you psichotic, it can be triggered by stress or other factors, and it will go away.

it helps me to see around me what factors are bringing my stress to an overwhelming situation. If i can make changes to calm down, to sleep better, to change the rhythm around me, this moments of extreme anxiety decrease.
having little control over yourself, does not mean necessarily that you have DID...why don't you try to make those test online....the only thing is that like me you might find that you have bits of many things....anyway, if you find people that are going through similiar things is a bit easier to understand ourselves. if you accept the fact that those thoughts are in you although you do not want them, then you relax and let them go...but i see because of the hallucinations, that you are probably in a crisis,
why, look beyond and behind...the symptoms are only that, but why is this happening,
what has happened last week or last months that have brought you to this moment!! analyzing helps me a lot!! i hope it gets better soon! good luck

Please help.

by **Una+** » Tue May 21, 2013 3:05 pm

Hi nuggetlove. I don't recall if I previously welcomed you to the DID Forum, so Welcome! Everything you describe sounds fairly typical of DID.

In another thread you mention being diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II and on two prescription medications for that. So you are seeing a professional of some sort already, I would assume a psychiatrist (an MD). It sounds like what you need at this point is an evaluation for a possible major dissociative disorder. That would involve one or perhaps two office visits.

You might start by printing this thread to show to your psychiatrist. Also, have you ever scored yourself on the Dissociative Experiences Scale? We have a thread for that here:

DID Forum: Dissociative Experiences Scale

I don't know what to do anymore.. possible trigger warning

I don't know what to do anymore.. possible trigger warning

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